


The wondrous adventures of young Kylo Ren

by levitheking



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alcohol, Aliens, Attempted Murder, Becoming Kylo Ren, Blood, Corellia, Coronet City, Direcat(s) - Freeform, Dismembering, Drinking, Endor, First Order, Gen, Graphic Violence, Knights of Ren - Freeform, Korriban, Kylo Ren Backstory, Mentions of Battle of Endor, Mentions of Battle of Korriban, Mentions of Child Murder, Mentions of Darth Vader - Freeform, Mild Gore, Moraband, Mos Eisley, Mos Espa, Murder, Nar Shaddaa, Point Nadir, Sith, Sith hounds - Freeform, Star Destroyer, Tatooine, Violence, Xenophobia, Young Ben Solo, Young Kylo Ren, crime organization, i think its even gore, ignores canon harder than ever, kylo is an ass, tomb of Marka Ragnos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-07-28 07:05:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 47,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7630102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/levitheking/pseuds/levitheking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A young man's path on becoming Kylo Ren.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. in which all I wanted was my bowl of soup, but I ended up lost in a jungle.

I always preferred to travel alone. I had a fleet gig which I stole on Nar Shaddaa after escaping from Yavin 4, and since I have removed its tracker, I used it for my personal missions. I had my luck, this model, a G-023, was easy to pilot and take care of, especially with my knowledge.

Formos’ spaceport was nothing new to me. Before I started my training on Yavin, we came here quite often, my father finding the place perfect to make his smuggler deals, and so I preferred to take my breaks at spaceports I knew well.

I sat by my craft, sipping the cheap soup from a plastic container. I actually paid for it in the closest cantina, with the few credits I had left on my chip. I had another credit chip that I found in the craft, but it didn’t have more than fifty on it either. But it was enough. If my luck stuck around, I could go for three more days with them.  
When I finished my thin dinner, which you could hardly call a meal, a Rodian stepped to me. I saw him when I docked in an hour ago, he was talking to a man across the hangar, and when I passed them they both sized me up.

Now, that the human was gone, the Rodian approached me, eyeing my ship. He was taller than me by half a head, and his skin was deep green with small bumps around his shiny eyes. I cringed a little when he pointed at me with those long fingers.

“Is it your gig?” He asked in Basic, and I was somewhat surprised; I thought this species couldn’t speak any language but their own.

I tossed the container aside to free my hands, ready to fight him if he took a wrong move.

“Of course, it is.” I replied.

He hummed something, his antennas twitching a little and for a second I wondered if he knew it was stolen. Not like it mattered, he could hardly hurt me.

“What model? G-021?”

“G-023.” I corrected him and he looked at me with something that could go as grin, I assumed.

“I’m Olu. I really need to get to Nar Shaddaa, but you see... I’m stranded.”

“Well, good luck.” I stood up, fixing my coat.

“I was wondering if you could take me there.” He was quick to reply, stepping closer, which earned him a warning glare.

“I’m not interested in companion.” I declared clearly, opening the craft’s door and stepping inside.

“I can pay!” He tried again, more desperately, much to my liking. I stuck my head out, looking him through, considering if he was speaking the truth. As much as I could tell, he was.

“How much?” I asked as if I was thinking about his offer, but in fact I have already accepted it. I hated this, but I needed the credits. I didn’t want to be so desperate to just steal. 

Taking a craft was one thing, and food was another.

“A hundred. Two hundreds extra if you get me there safely.” He offered.

“No.” I said firmly. “All three hundreds now. Plus half the price of fuel and you buy your own rations.”

“Deal.” He nodded quickly and I waved to him to get inside after me. I already hated this. The flight to Nar Shaddaa would take two days, at least, and Olu’s face already made me cringe. We’d have to stop for fuel halfway, and the fact, that the owner of the ship might be still looking for it on the moon, didn’t make me want to go back either.  
But I couldn’t feed on spite, I needed the credits. Badly.

“Sit there. Don’t touch anything.” I pointed at the co-pilot seat in the cockpit, and he followed my instruction.

I started the engines, waiting a few minutes until it heated up. This was an old thing. It needed tending if I didn’t want it to fall apart under me. It was pleasantly silent in the cockpit, and if I really wanted to, I could imagine I was alone, as always.

But shortly after we left the spaceport, Olu spoke up.

“Do you have a name, kid?” He sounded nonchalant. I set the fleet on the route and turned on the autopilot, using the time to think. I could easily lie to him, it didn’t matter.

But really, did I have a name? No, not really. I was called Ben before, but I didn’t feel it like my own anymore and the way it was screamed on Yavin 4 on that night... It made me not want to hear it again.  
My New Master didn’t give me a name either. He said I had to gain it and I accepted it. Whenever he spoke to me, he referred to me as the _Jedi Killer_. I liked it, it sounded like something I have already earned and somewhat glorified the nightmares.

“Jedi Killer.” I said finally. “My name is Jedi Killer.”

He made a small, snort-like sound.

“All right. Jedi Killer.” Olu nodded when I turned to him. “Can I ask why?”

“No.” I snapped at him and handed over my, now empty, credit chip. “Three hundreds, remember. Transfer.”

Olu sighed, but took the chip and fiddled with it for a while before he transferred the amount from his own. I kept an eye on him through the whole process.

“There.” He handed it back, and if he expected a thank-you, he must’ve been very disappointed. I snatched the chip, checked the credits and then hid it back in my boot before standing up.

“Don’t touch anything.” I repeated and I went to the back to check on the few stuffs I had. It just hit me that Olu didn’t have any luggage. Even I had a bag, though I left in a hurry.  
What had this Rodian gotten himself into? He had no belongings, he was just cruising on a well-known smuggler station, trying to get away as soon as possible and he paid what I asked for, seemingly without any problem. It stunk. But he was honest, so far, right?

Still, I returned to the cockpit with my bag and a bad feeling in my stomach. He was sitting in the chair as I left him, slouched a little, and his disgusting, long fingers entwined in his lap.

“What? I didn’t touch anything.” He said when I glared at him for too long.

“I will sleep in here and you take the back room.” I said, setting my bag next to my seat and taking it again.

“I’m fine.” He shrugged, and stared at me with those dark eyes. I turned away because I felt like I could throw up. 

I hoped he would go and leave me alone, but of course he stayed. I glared outside at the stars passing by, listening to Olu softly tapping on the armrest and sometimes spinning in his seat from side to side.

My lids started to grow heavier, but I couldn’t let myself fall asleep, not yet. I could still feel his glare on my back and I knew he was waiting for me to let down my guard. There was something going on about him that I haven’t figured out yet.

It must have been an hour or two since we took off when something caught my attention on the small radar screen. A couple of small dots had been following us almost from the start, which, first, wasn’t much to think about. There were common routes and I preferred them too. But it’s been too long and they started gaining on us.

“I think we are being followed.” I said, turning to Olu, just to see him tense.

“Really?” He sat up straight and glared at me, his forehead wrinkling. “Do we have any weapons?”

“ **I** have shields. I don’t know how well they work, I didn’t need to check them yet.” I shot him a meaningful look. “No armament.” It somewhat amused me that he immediately thought about shooting the suspicious ships, but somewhere I knew that my safety was at risk too.

“Kriff... What do we do now?” He slid closer, looking at the control panel.

“Sit back. You did nothing that would make them want to hurt you, right?” I said scornfully, watching him gulp and then I turned to take over the control of the ship. “I’ve got this.”  
And just in that second I said that, something shook the entire fleet forward and a red light flashed up on the panel before me.

“What was that?” Olu jumped in his seat, his voice filled with panic.

“They shoot us.” I said simply, then checked what the red light signed. “And one engine gave in.” Indeed I could feel it, the craft became increasingly slower and harder to keep on track.

“How... How many do we have left?”

“Just one. We won’t make it to Nar Shaddaa like this, especially if they shoot that one too.” I chewed on my lower lips, running through the damage display on the screen. I barely understood the half of it, which meant no good. “We’ll take an emergency stop. I will see if I can fix it.”

“We have no time for that! What if they follow us?”

“Well, if you go to the back, there is a nice blaster on the top shelf. You can use that to protect us while I repair the engine.” I huffed, starting to get fed up with Olu’s distressed screeching.

He got up and went to check out the blaster, so finally I was alone. It was much easier to focus and I could actually dodge a few blasts. The shields worked quite decently, but their battery was close to running out.

“Right. It works.” Olu returned with the blaster, sitting down again. He sounded calmer now.

“Please don’t tell me you tried it out.”

He let out a sharp laugh and shook his head, looking through the screens. It was a sudden change and it made me wonder what he’d done in the backroom.

“If I remember right, there is a planet near.” I said, checking the map for just a glance. I had to avoid another blast.

“You mean Felucia?” Olu took the map to navigate.

“It’s inhabited. Sentient species.” I had some vague memories of my mother telling me about this place, and I remember that my uncle once sent someone there for a mission to trade _something_ with the inhabitants.

“It’s a malignant place.” Olu remarked silently.

“Good. That’ll keep us safe.”

It didn’t take long until the planet appeared on the display, and about five minutes later I could see it through the viewport. Despite of the harder control, things became easier after that first shot and I thought we actually had some chance to get out of this mess in one piece.

“Buckle up.” I said, planning on going under and around, so they couldn’t see us landing. Rough manoeuvre, but it could work if I was fast enough.

Surprisingly, my hands were steady on the control stick and my stomach didn’t jump when we took a bold turn downwards. I was...calm. And something was clearly guiding me to the planet. Whether it was my own instinct, or the Force or some unknown intention of Felucia, I couldn’t tell.

But we landed on a clearance safely, and according to the radar our chasers lost track. I made it.

I sighed softly, and let go of the stick, my knuckles popping from being in a cramped grip for too long. I leaned back, closing my eyes for a second and just trying to catch my breath before going out to fix the engine.

 

And then I felt it.

 

I jolted and glared at Olu. He was glaring back.

“What was that?” I asked, my voice weaker than I expected it. He shrugged and I froze for a few seconds. “Someone is out there.”

“I can’t hear anything.” He said, but I was already on my feet.

“Stay in here.” I commanded Olu and opened the door, stepping outside. 

I... couldn’t say I expected the sight that welcomed me. It was dim, the only light coming from the small, blue mushroom-like plants glowing on the tree trunks. The air was humid and hot, worse than the forests on Yavin 4, keeping the ground in a forever muddy state. It stuck to the soles of my boots, making them heavier and increasingly harder to walk.

Something indeed moved in the darkness of the jungle-looking forest. I removed my coat, tossing it back inside the ship, and rolled up my sleeves before I headed to investigate.  
Once I reached the path, I found the ground being much more solid here, almost as if it was built out to be walked on. On both sides the trees were tall and leaning inwards, hiding the sky, and from their stumps, oversized flowers bloomed, shedding their meaty petals and white seed on the path. And they all... radiated with the Force. After just a few minutes, it made me start to feel dizzy, my senses becoming too sharp in this environment and therefore tiring me out.

But I didn’t stop until I reached the source of what I felt and saw. It was a giant snail, with his shell it was almost as tall as me. It might’ve felt my approach since it turned to me, its tentacles reaching towards me, but I was way out of reach. Thankfully.

I started to feel nauseous to the point where it was hard to stand. I didn’t want to risk of having to crawl back to the ship on the slimy soil, so I decided to return to the gig. I still had to fix the engine.

“Just a snail.” I said when I arrived back. Olu was sitting on the edge of the platform, eyeing the path from which I came, the blaster in his hand.

“Did you walk through the spore plants?” His dark eyes widened. “No, stop. Stay there.”

I stopped, a little bit confused and swaying as my head was swimming. I looked down on myself, noticing those small white spores from the flower which now covered my black attire, almost entirely. 

Olu got up from where he was and brought my coat to me.

“Wipe yourself off, quickly. All of it.”

I did as he told me, brushing off the spores. They came off of my clothes rather easily, but on my forearm, where my skin was exposed, they left tiny pink marks which itched. 

When I finished, Olu took the coat from me and threw it between the trees, and I couldn’t even protest.

“Come in. You have to drink and sleep it off.” He poked me with his finger and I felt a cold shiver run through my body. I jumped a little and dragged myself back to the cockpit.

Back in my pilot seat, I had the decency to remove my boots with a grunt. Olu came in a minute later with what seemed to be... bottled water.

“Where did you... get that?” I squinted a little, but took it anyway and drank. It tasted a little stale, but I dried out in the heat outside and I needed it.

“There is an extra compartment in the back. For cargo.” He explained. “There are some food rations too. Mostly jerky, as I saw.”

I hummed with a frown, making a mental note to check that compartment when I wake up. Then I thought about the spores and the marks they have left. I looked down on my arm and noted that their colour turned to deep red now.

“What is this?” I asked Olu who sat down in his seat, with a similar bottle.

“Spore plants. They are poisonous. You were lucky that your skin was mostly covered, otherwise you’d be dead already.”

_Oh._

“It might will scar.” He continued. “But I think you will survive.”

“Good to know.” I murmured and tugged my sleeves back, wrapping my arms around my chest and watching the Rodian with half closed eyes. “How do you know this?”

“I knew a Twi’lek who was born here. They had all these tricks on how to survive. That’s how I know Felucia. It lures you in with the Force and then tries to murder you.” He fell silent and glanced at me. “You felt it, right? You are Force-sensitive. I saw you have a lightsaber.” He pointed at my weapon on my belt.

I forced myself to sit up straighter, alarmed by his sly grin.

“It’s a trophy. I took it from the Jedi who I killed.” I lied and he shrugged, resting back in his seat.

“I was just asking. I’d feel safer around a Jedi though.” He said. 

“Too bad.” I murmured and as I put the cap back on the bottle, I suppressed a yawn. I was starting to give in to the exhaustion, and I knew the poison of the flower had to do something with it.

“Well, someone who could kill a Jedi has to be on the same level. So you’ll do too, Jedi Killer.”

I snorted softly and shook my head, but his comment made me smirk a little. I closed my eyes to rest them a little, but in the next second I was already half asleep, only faintly hearing Olu’s words.

“I trust you, Jedi Killer.”


	2. in which I was held captive and I lost my first lightsaber

I woke up to something hard pressing against the back of my head. From the size of it I assumed it was a blaster and I thought about Olu. That bastard. He must’ve drugged me with that water and now he was planning on frying my brain out. I couldn’t wait for it.

“I’m sorry, Jedi Killer.”

I groaned when I heard his screeching and I squinted in the dim light. This place looked nothing like the interior of my craft or even anywhere on Felucia. It was grey, cold, and I thought I could hear an air conditioner humming somewhere.

My body was weak, my head swimming and my mouth dry. My back was against a wall and what I thought to be a blaster, was actually some sort of a metal collar around my neck. I turned carefully to the source of the voice.

Olu was sitting a few steps away from me, with a same machine on his neck.

“I’m sorry, Jedi Killer.” He repeated when he saw that I was awake.

“That doesn’t help much.” I grunted and tried to stretch my arms just to see they were bound together. “What’s this?”

“They tracked us. The Epsis.” Olu explained. “I woke up like this too.” He nodded towards my handcuffs.

The collar seemed to be secured to the wall, probably with some magnet, but it was lose enough to let me look around. There was a door across me which had a small window on it, all the light coming from outside. Otherwise the room was surprisingly big, only a few boxes lying in the corner. They probably stored cargo in here when they didn’t have captives.

“What do they want?” I asked. Both my forearms were itching and I tried to rub them together, and when it didn’t work, I rubbed them to my thighs. They only became worse.

“They haven’t told yet, but... I think they want the money.”

Well, that was nothing new. Everyone wanted money.

“The chip I stole. I guess it had a tracker, that’s how they found us.” Olu continued and then I understood. Now everything about him made sense and it didn’t make me like him better. He was just way too much like my father.

I sighed and tried to sit up straighter, but the collar didn’t move. I made a mental note on a few things, such as checking stolen credit chips for possible trackers and purchasing a collar like this. It could come in handy at some point.

“Hey... Jedi Killer.” Olu whispered after a little pause, leaning as close as he could. “Do you have a plan?”

“No.” I shrugged. Indeed, I haven’t thought about much since I woke up. Partly because I was still feeling dizzy.

“Well, I was thinking and... I thought about what we could do when we get out.”

I frowned a little, turning to him and he continued.

“You could get us out with a Force-trick, or something, you know. We could stole a freighter and go back to Nar Shaddaa. With all the money I have there, we could buy a cargo ship. We could start a business.”

“I’m not interested in business.” I shook my head.

“Come on, Jedi Killer. Your chip was empty before I put the three hundreds on it.” He said and there was something in his voice that hurt my pride. That he thought I was depending on him.

“I said, I’m not interested.” I turned away from him.

“Okay, then... Just get us out, okay?” He tried again after a while, and I could tell he changed tactics. “My girl is on Nar Shaddaa. I have to go back. She will soon have my babies and I can’t leave her alone.”

I thought about small Rodian spawns. Do they hatch from eggs like most reptilians? I didn’t want to know.

I didn’t have time to reply because the door opened up and a tall figure stepped in. As far as I could tell, he was male, but he wore a helmet with a narrow slit and checked muzzle.

He stepped inside, his blaster pointed at me as he spoke in a slow, ragged language I couldn’t understand. He approached me and he probably deactivated the magnet in my collar because suddenly it felt lighter and I could move away from the wall. He pulled me to my feet roughly, and with the blaster jabbed in my back, he shoved me towards the door.

There were plenty of his kind outside. It took me a while until I started to recognize them, remembering these masks from one of my mother’s tales about an Ubese warrior whose armour she used as a disguise once.

The corridor was narrow, jammed with similar boxes to the ones in the cell. I went willingly, and it seemed like my guard understood it, because his blaster was soon removed from my back and he only kept it close for safety. He led me into a turbolift which took us up in a glass tunnel.

First I could only see the dark, rough stonewall outside, but it didn’t take long before the tunnel led into a cave-like interior. Its walls were from the same rocks, but there were narrow sidewalks built out of durasteel, much like on Nar Shaddaa. I assumed it was another port, used by smugglers or pirates, seeing all kind of ships docking in and taking off.  
Eventually we left the cave and there was the stonewall again before the lift stopped and the Ubese growled at me to get out. I let him shove me through another corridor which was white and empty now and at the end, he stopped and turned to me. He took a mask from the hangers by the door and but it on my face, covering my nose and my mouth. It was harder to breath in it.

The room behind the door was smaller than the cell I was in before, but it was just as simple and empty. A female Ubese sat in a chair, behind a table, two others on each of her sides. She didn’t wear the mask like the others and when she looked up I could see her way-too-pale face twist into a disgusted look. She spoke to my guard, her voice deeper and hoarser than I expected, then she turned to me, addressing me in the same language.

When she saw that I didn’t understand it, she sighed and started to speak in broken Basic.

“Are you a Jedi?” She asked and I knew it was because of the lightsaber again. They took it.

“Why do you ask?” I retorted immediately. The mask distorted my voice, making it sound deeper and raspier. I liked it.

“To see if you are a liar.” She said. “Jedi don’t exist anymore. We heard about the massacre.”

“I heard about it too.” I shrugged.

“But you had a lightsaber with yourself. So you are either a bounty hunter or a common thief who robs the dead.”

“That’s an accurate description.” I nodded.

Her oversized eyes narrowed. “Which?”

“Whichever you prefer.”

Her jaw clenched and she barked something to the guard. The male jabbed his blaster into my back again, and forced me to kneel. I couldn’t see her from here, the table blocking my sight but she stood up.

“Which?” She repeated.

“A thief.” I lied.

“And your craft? On Felucia? It was an officer’s fleet.”

“I stole it on Nar Shaddaa. I went to Formos.”

“Why?” She seemed to like my answers, because the blaster was removed again, but I was kept on my knees.

I had to think quickly. I couldn’t exactly tell them that I committed the massacre, she already implied that she wouldn’t believe me. They probably already figured out that I haven’t known Olu for too long and referring to him would only get me into more trouble.

So I dropped my most hated weapon.

“I owe Solo.”

The other Ubeses at the table stirred at the name. I grit my teeth a little and she sat back with a flat expression.

“How much?”

“Two thousands.” _And sadly, my life too_ , but I didn’t tell her.

“That’s not much.” She let out a strange noise which sounded like something between a snort and a laugh. I was growing bored with the conversation and I just wanted to leave.

“I don’t have much money.” I shrugged simply. I could still feel my credit chip pressing against my toes in my boot. They didn’t take that.

She asked something from the guard and he seemed to confirm my words. She was satisfied.

“Sadly, we can’t have Solo follow you here. So you have to go.”

_Thank the Maker, finally._

“But, “ She continued and I had to suppress a groan. “The collar will stay on you. We’ll keep you tracked.”

She waved to the guard who pulled me to my feet again and we left the room. Outside on the corridor again, he removed my mask and my cuffs too, much to my relief. I could finally scratch my arms.

I considered my chances on escaping and found them quite good. There was a windowpane on the end of the hall, behind me. I could break that, climb out and find a ship to escape.

I waited until the guard turned to put the mask away, then I aimed a kick him in the back. He fell against the shelf, hitting his forehead on the edge and I heard a crack. Hopefully his helmet.

I didn’t take the time to check it. I called for my lightsaber and when nothing happened, I gave up. The Maker knows where they stored it, but they could have it there from now on. I didn’t have time. I snatched the guard’s blaster and shoot the window open, then looked outside to find leverage.  
I was... much higher than I thought. That cave that I have seen from the turbolift was about a mile under me and most of the ships were moving. As much as I could tell, I was in a tower-like building, high above the every level of the spaceport. I knew I couldn’t just jump out of here, I’d break my neck for sure. But maybe I could climb lower where it was less risky.

I used the strap attached to put the blaster on my back and I stepped outside. There was a narrow ledge where I could turn around and find leverage. Some ships were passing by way too close, so I kept myself as flat as possible. The wall was partly durasteel where it was hard to find a good grip, but mostly I could climb on the cliff. My arms weren’t itching anymore; they were constantly burning and driving me crazy.

On the last few meters I saw no point on climbing any longer. So far I was close above the sidewalk, but there the street and the tower started to diverge. I had to jump now.  
It must’ve been quite a surprise for those who were just taking their casual afternoon walk. I landed on my back, the blaster pressing painfully against me as I rolled to dull the fall. But I was on my feet immediately, and those who stopped, moved on quickly.

I walked in a steady pace too. I couldn’t run, I was too tired, and it wasn’t really worth. I would’ve only drawn more attention than necessary. First I had to get rid of the collar, because I started to feel like a dog.

I really thought about shooting it off with the blaster, but I was scared to miss it. And frying off my face was quite the opposite of what I wanted. So I either had to find someone who had a better aim than me or had a tool to get it off.

“You, there.” I approached a Rodian mechanic at a cargo ship. This was just my luck, but I couldn’t care.

He looked me through with those eyes and for a second I thought it was Olu. It was hard to tell them apart, though this one had a more orange-ish skin.

“What do you want, man?” He talked in Rodese.

“You have tools. I need to get this off. Care to help me out?” I replied in his language, as a twisted sign of respect which I didn’t actually have for him.

“Is it illegal?” He squinted suspiciously, but he crouched to his toolbox.

“Completely.” I said, honest this time.

He murmured something, and it seemed like he was smirking and he waved something that looked like cutting-pliers.

“How much?” He asked, patting the pocket of his trousers.

“My gratitude will haunt you forever.”

He laughed at my reply and grabbed me head, tilting it a little so he could have a better access to the collar. I shivered, but stayed still and I felt a small pinch of the electric current before the now useless metal fell to the sidewalk.

“You have a sharp tongue, man.” He said. I liked how he addressed me as a man, instead of a kid, as Olu did. But it didn’t make me like him better. “We could use someone like you, on the ship.”

_Why did every Rodian want me to work with them?_

“Where are you heading?” I asked, truly considering his offer.

“To the Arkanis sector. Geonosis and then Tatooine. We’ll get a new load there.”

“Tatooine is good for me.” 

“Can you pilot this thing?” He pointed at the ship. 

I nodded.

“Then get in.”


	3. in which I made an unpleasant discovery in Mos Eisley

We arrived to Mos Eisley about a week after I stepped on the cargo ship. It was named the Narik and a female Rodian was the captain. She was delighted when she got to know I spoke Basic and many other languages and she asked me to accompany her when we docked on Geonosis to trade. Otherwise I spent most of my time in the cockpit, co-piloting the ship and in exchange they fed me and provided me a place to sleep.

I almost got used to them, though I still didn’t like their kind. There was something in their eyes that made them look like a fool who tries to mislead you, but naturally, fails in it. Only if they were cunning... But not even their business skills were outstanding.

But they were no longer my concern. Upon arriving, I sneaked from the Narik’s cockpit, slipping out to the pulverous street.  
On both sides short, round roofed houses stood, all seemingly craved from the same type of tawny stone. Sleaze-looking figures rested in the shades of the arcades, watching the natives minding their own businesses in their rag-clothes.

The sun was burning and my black attire occluded the heat to the point where it was unbearable. It didn’t help the rashes on my forearms either. I had to stop in a gateway, wiping the sweat from my forehead. If I thought Felucia was worse than Yavin 4, then Tatooine was the worst. Officially.

There were too many unpleasant people around, and I was starting to feel cornered, so when I cooled off a bit, I moved on. I came across several stalls by the road, which sold food - mostly some unidentifiable brown meat, dried out in the heat. It stunk.

Eventually I bought some kind of a purple-ish fruit to dull my thirst. It cost me five credits and it was as big as my palm, its meat soft and sweet, but it didn’t really contain as much juice as I thought. Somehow it still helped.

I knew I had to leave Mos Eisley as fast as I could. I didn’t really have any contract with the crew of the Narik, but I sort of felt like they won’t be happy once they discover I left. It was hard to find a trustworthy co-pilot who was willing to fly with a group of Rodians, especially on Tatooine.

But the planet wasn’t that bad. Despite of the weather and the fact, that my original destination was Endor, I figured out I could start investigating here as well. I remembered Luke telling me that he grew up here, just like his father. It made me believe Darth Vader might still had some ties or mementos at the slave-owners in Mos Espa.

So, first I had to find someone who would take me to the capital city. I assumed it couldn’t be too hard if I was looking at the right place. And I knew enough about spaceports to know where to look.

The bar was crowded, but otherwise lazy in the late afternoon. No drunk fights yet. Those who were already tipsy, just sat silently in the corner, staring ahead, and the rest of the guests just finished with the trades and were enjoying their first or maybe second drink.

I ordered something cheap, and chose a table across the entrance so I could keep an eye on everyone who stepped in. Soon a short male Brizzit made his way to my table. He sat down across me, his huge bug-eyes shining and his fangs clasping around the glass he held. I watched him with horrified disgust and he glared back in boredom. Then, without a word, he stood up and left, leaving his empty glass behind.

For safety reasons, I pulled the blaster from my shoulder to my lap and I loosely rested my finger on the trigger. Just in case.

A group of men entered the bar, their chatter was loud and I couldn’t really pick out what it was about. They looked like pirates or smuggler, the slier type. There were two humans, a Zabrak and another humanoid, with catlike features and light brown fur. They sat at a table nearby, blocking most of my view, so I couldn’t see the thin Twi’lek who slipped inside after them until she was standing right in front of me.

“Are you looking for someone?” She addressed me in Huttese.

I frowned a little and pulled back when she stepped closer. She wasn’t particularly pretty, just like an average Twi’lek girl with bright eyes and a small nose, but under her quite revealing outfit her skin was soft and red. It was quite rare, especially among the slaves, which I assumed she was once. Twi’leks didn’t come to Tatooine willingly.

I had to move my blaster so she could sit down. She pressed close to my side, her hand resting on my thigh, and these alone made me uncomfortable.

“Because I’ve been looking for someone like you.” She purred in my ear and I shifted away from her with a frown.

“Who are you?” I replied in Basic, hoping she couldn’t understand it and she would move on; but she changed with ease, much to my dismay.

“I’m Vida and I’m very lonely.” She pouted a little. “I think we could do something tonight...”

I saw where it was going and I pushed her away.

“I have other plans for tonight.” I said.

“Pretty please?” Her thick lashes fluttered and before I could react, she pushed onto my lap and kissed me.

For my surprise it wasn’t...bad. It was sloppy and awkward, of course, but it sent a little tingle into my stomach. Yet I still didn’t want it. I pushed her away again, this time weaker, but she clung to my neck and whispered against my skin.

“I could ride you all night...”

“I don’t think so.” I hissed, turning my blaster suddenly and pressing it against her stomach.

She froze immediately and held up her hands, pulling back.

“Stars! Calm down, I only gave an offer!”

“And I only said I’m not interested.” I kept the gun pointed at her even when she’d climbed off of me. “Go, get someone else.”

“Stars!” She muttered, but left anyway. I could see it took her a few seconds to regain her calmness, but soon she was making her way between the tables, swaying her hips.

I watched her exit the bar in someone else’s arms about fifteen minutes later, and I felt my pride crumbling. It wasn’t just the fact that it was my first kiss, but that she thought I was someone she could toy with. That she could take advantage on my needs, and only for money. She used my vanity against them, made me think I was desirable, when credits mattered. I wasn’t a fool to fall for such tricks. I was above this.

I must’ve glared, because one of the Zabrak from the other table came to me.

“Was that your girl, kid? You dealt with her like a charmer.” He grinned.

The blaster was still in my hand and suddenly I felt an urge to shoot him. I refrained.

“I need someone to take me to Mos Espa.”

The Zabrak sat down across me, pushing the Brizzit’s glass he left there.

“Look, boy, that’s not how things work here.” He clasped his hands, looking me in the eyes. I held my blaster steady under the table. “You either work, or request and pay. But you don’t demand. Now, look...” He leaned closer. “I’m here because of your gun. It’s an Ubese type, am I right? I wonder where you got it.”

“That’s not your concern.” I hissed.

“Well, it is, if you wanna get to Mos Espa!” He hit the tabletop with his fist. I didn’t flinch. “It’s very rare, the Ubese are not generous with their own technology. You could sell it for good money.”

I considered. “How much?”

“Like, a hundred.”

I laughed him in the face.

“Fine, two hundreds, then.” The Zabrak huffed.

“Thanks. I’d rather keep it then.” I shook my head.

“Two hundreds and fifty, and I take you to Mos Espa.” He said. “That’s my final offer.”

I wasn’t stupid enough to sell my weapon. If I had my lightsaber, I wouldn’t even think about it, but now...

“When do you leave?” I asked finally.

He pulled out a small device, probably a communicator, to check the time.

“In an hour. We take off from port B-60.”

“Till then the blaster stays with me. I’ll meet you there.” I nodded.

The Zabrak returned to his table, and they continued their loud chatter, probably now talking about me. I didn’t understand their language, but I wasn’t interested anyway. From the corner of my eyes, I could see the Twi’lek return. Either the other man didn’t last long or he didn’t want to pay, but she was now looking for new customers.

Seeing her again awakened something...feral in me. I wasn’t quite sure what it was and it scared me. I grabbed my glass with a slightly shaky hand and tried to dull the feeling by knocking back the whole drink. But the burning in my throat only fed my anger.

When I saw her leave, this time alone, I stood up too, almost tumbling over the table. I followed her outside, to the now cold and dark street. As the binary suns set in the rim of the sky, most of the creatures went home or gathered in the cantinas. We were alone.

I thought I should stop her. What was her name? Something with V...

“Vida!” I called after her, my voice hoarser than I expected.

She was only a few steps ahead me, and she stopped, but didn’t turn. I caught up with her and I could see her expression changing from scared to smug when she recognized me.

“Oh, did you change your mind?” She smirked. “Ask me nicely and I might pretend you didn’t threaten me.” She came closer to wrap her arms around me, but I stepped away.

“This way.” I nodded towards an alley, my heart beating faster than ever. Something was pressing in my... chest and it almost hurt.

She followed without a word, and when I looked behind to check, her eyes were bright, but otherwise she didn’t look excited. I huffed a little, scolding myself, for thinking she would be interested.

I reached the point where the pressure in me was unsustainable. I spun around, and grabbed her throat, pressing her against the still-hot stonewall.

“What--“ She choked, her eyes wide.

I didn’t know _what_. I didn’t know _why_. My anger was back, sweeping over my body like never before and I grit my teeth as I slammed her head against the wall. She squeaked and started sobbing, but didn’t pass out. I held her with one hand while my other searched her for... What was I looking for?

Yet I still found a vibroblade in her boot. She probably got this recently, maybe stole from the guy she went off with earlier. She clearly didn’t have it when she was around me, otherwise she would’ve tried to use it.

Now I held the weapon against her throat, above where I gripped her. For a second I held her unfocused gaze. Maybe she had a concussion or whatever Twi’leks can get, I wasn’t sure. Then I turned her around and cut off her headtails.

Her scream hurt my ears and I flinched, letting go of her. She dropped to the ground, clutching to the roots of her lekkus as if she tried to stop them from bleeding while she squirmed in pain. I stepped away, and shot her.

Twice. 

 

Then she stopped.

I wiped the blood from the blade and from my face too. For a few minutes I stood above her, trying to catch my breath until I could feel my eyes starting to sting with tears. I haven’t killed since the massacre. It’s been almost a month. And as much as I hated doing this, the feeling was liberating.

I was still shaking a little when I reached port B-60, with a vibroblade hidden in my boots now. The Zabrak who I talked to, was packing some boxes into a speeder truck, along with the other men. When he spotted me under the arcade, he waved to come closer.

“I thought you got lost. Get in.” He pointed at the cargo storage. I snorted a little, but did as he told me.

I found the perfect place between two ration packs, near to the door. The way to Mos Espa would take many hours, so I could sleep a little and sneak off a few miles away from the city to avoid having to trade my blaster when we arrive.

Well, I assumed wrong. This speeder truck must’ve been an ancient model, it jolted on the way in every five minutes and often I felt like it was rather dragging itself on the sand than hovering above it. I was unable to fall asleep for hours, so eventually I gave up.

I watched the horizon in the narrow slit close to the ceiling and when the sky started to lighten, I knew it was time to leave. I got up, stretching my legs and then I aimed to shoot the control panel.

The door slid open, and I stood on the edge, just watching the desert passing by under me rapidly. In the distance I could already see the outlines of Mos Espa. The suns were still hidden by the dunes, but the skyline was growing lighter. I took a deep breath in the warm wind.

 

And then I jumped.


	4. in which I got tempted by the Light

Tatoo I and II were peeking above the dunes when I finally reached the first houses of Mos Espa. The city looked just like Mos Eisley, with its tawny colours and round roofs. It was silent now, barely morning, but many slaves were out on the streets already and the traders were packing out from their trucks. 

My first thought was getting some water. I knew it would be smarter to avoid the market, given that the Zabrak and his mates could be there and I didn’t want to have that conversation about selling my blaster. So I choose a small chop-house to get a bowl of pottage. It was definitely better than the soup I had on Formos, but still not something I would’ve wanted to eat regularly.

I stood at the stall as I slurped the last spoonfuls. Slowly, the city started to stir and wake, and I turned to the old female Caridan who owned the chop-house.

“I’m looking for a Toydarian named Watto.”

“That junkdealer?” Her bushy eyebrows knitted together as she glanced at me from the food she stirred in a huge pot. “He died years ago. If you need parts, go to Unk instead. He lives down there.” She nodded towards a small street on the right.

“I’m more interested in the slave he had. A boy.” I tried again, but I didn’t have much hope. It’d been more than sixty years, in no way this Cardian was here for that long.

“Not a boy, no. But he had an older woman, some... What was her name?” She shook her head. “She always looked sad. I heard that she was sold to a moisture farmer. But this was long before you were even born.”

I handed back the bowl and paid the credits for it, then left, quite disappointed. I knew it was lazy to give up like this, but without any trace, I had no chance on finding anything. With the lasts of my hope, I decided to walk down to the slave’s district. Maybe there I could find someone who remembered a slave boy.

“Boy!”

I was halfway down the street when I heard a way too familiar voice. Rapid footsteps followed and I looked behind, spotting the huge Zabrak from last night. Before I could’ve thought about running away, he was there in front of me.

“I think we have an unfinished business.” He said. “Two hundreds and fifty, plus the blaster. As we agreed.”

“Well, technically, you didn’t take me to Mos Espa...” I started, but suddenly he grabbed my arm, pressing on the rashes way too hard. I flinched.

“Stop playing around.” He hissed and I considered whether I would hurt my fist on his horns if I punched him.

I punched him anyway, and it didn’t hurt that much. He let go of me to press on his nose, but it was enough for me to flee. I ran down to the closest side-street, turning in hope that he would lose sight of me.

But it seemed like he got himself together quite fast, because when I reached the end of the alley, he was already halfway behind me. I took a turn back to the main street, which was now filled with all sort of people and aliens. We were clearly heading towards the market, because there was more and more stalls on both sides of the road.

After a while I couldn’t see the Zabrak anymore, so I slowed down and finally stopped under the arcades of a secluded house. I was panting and my legs were shaking, making me wonder when I got so out of shape. Or maybe it was the lack of normal food and sleep.

I leaned to the wall, closing my eyes for just a second. My heart was beating too fast and my chest felt tighter than usual. Something was still screaming danger in me and I tried to calm myself. 

“You are safe.”

Something warm, but firm touched my shoulder and I jumped, pulling out my blaster at the speed of light and I aimed at the threat and then...

It was him.

His sad eyes and worry-wrinkled forehead... He carried something unmistakably broken in him. He was growing old, his hair and the small beard he’d grown through the years now greying, and that robe, just as sand-coloured as everything on the planet, because this was where he belonged to. And his prosthetic hand, which now fell to his side as jumped away from his touch.

_Luke Skywalker._

“No...” It broke out of me like a sigh. I wanted to hold the blaster firmer, aim and shoot, but instead I lowered it.

“You are safe now, Ben.” He said, holding up his hands reassuringly, but I could feel he was on the verge, he was ready to block if I attacked. 

He was the danger I felt. Not the Zabrak.

The blaster shook in my hand and I thought it was him, trying to use the Force on me, but no. It was me. Shaking. In fear.

“Calm down, Ben. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Don’t say that!” I spat the words at him, taking a step behind. I felt cornered. I wanted to run. 

_But I’m not a coward._

“I know what you want to do to me.” I shook my head.

“You are wrong, Ben.” He lowered his hands and I thought for a second I could see something in his eyes. But it was soon concealed again. “I came to tell you. I came to bring you back.”

“I don’t want to go back.” I stated, forcing my voice to sound determined. 

I didn’t want to believe him. He was lying, as he always did. All his forgiveness, his praises, all of it. But somewhere deep, I still craved it. I felt miserable now, even worse than back in the Academy. After the massacre... After I left, I calmed a little. I thought I had my life in my own hand finally and I would never have to feel... that.

But now he brought it back. The pull inside me.

My chest was tightening with each breath I took until I felt like all the air was squeezing out of me. My eyes were damp. My cheeks were burning.

“Come with me. We can sort this out, Ben. I’ll help you. I promise.”

I took another step and my back hit one of the pillars of the arcade.

“I don’t want to go back.” I choked. “I don’t need your help.”

I couldn’t see him anymore, but I could hear him sigh. “Ben, you mother is--“

“Enough!” I screamed and I fired the blaster.

He dodged easily and stepped closer, his hands up again.

“Ben, please. We can talk about this...”

I slipped out between two pillars, trying to get lost in the crowd again, but he was much harder to get rid of. My breathing levelled a little and after a few minutes I actually took the courage to turn around and check where he was. I held my blaster up, ready to fire, though I knew it was pointless. I could hardly hurt him with a mediocre weapon like this.

By the time I was getting exhausted again, I was somewhere on the outskirts. I could already see the empty desert ahead in the gaps between the houses. But it didn’t matter, I was ready to run out to the dunes. He couldn’t keep up forever and I would rather die there than to quail and go back to him.

I should’ve known it was a false hope that he gave up. He must’ve outrun me somehow, and when I was climbing over the last house’s roof, he stood in my way.

“Ben, listen to me.” He grabbed my shoulder.

This time I let him, but I turned my head, unable to look at him.

“Haven’t you seen what I have done?” I asked him silently. “I killed them. All of them. And I don’t even feel guilty...”

From the corner of my eyes, I could see that broken light in his eyes again.

And then I understood --

“You can fix this, Ben. I made a mistake when I wasn’t paying enough attention to you. Come back and we can fix it.”

\-- He was blaming himself.

I couldn’t reply, because my throat was tight again. It was almost as if, in his presence, I suddenly got hit by guilt and shame that was supposed to get to me weeks ago. When I didn’t reply for long, he sighed and pulled me to his chest. I went willingly.

“Leia is so worried. She wanted to come herself, to talk to you...”

I shook my head bitterly, still staring back at Mos Espa above his head.

“But she was scared she wouldn’t recognize you after what you’ve gone through. But now I see, our concern was unfounded. You are still good, Ben. I can feel it.”

I closed my eyes for a second and took a sharp breath. He let go of me.

“Come home, Ben.”

I made the mistake of looking into those sad eyes. And then and there I felt like I could really do this. I could leave everything now and go home with him. I could see my mother again. I could feel safe and welcomed, even if not loved. I could work hard and try my best to redeem the unforgivable.

But I shook my head and his hand fell from my shoulder as he understood I made my choice.

With all of these, it still wouldn’t be enough for me. I got something now that the past life couldn’t give me. And this was what I craved.

A chance to choose.

“I can’t. I’m sorry.” I said; and I meant it.

He nodded bitterly, and I could feel his gaze on my back as I slid off the roof, and took the few steps that led me out of Mos Espa.

And he didn’t try to stop me anymore.


	5. in which I faced death and met my Master

My knees hit the ground and I fell face first on the sand. I was too tired. My arms ached, my legs strained and my head was heavy. I told myself that I will just rest a little before continuing my way, but I soon figured out I didn’t have the strength to push myself back to my feet.

I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. I believed I was going to die, because everything went black and I couldn’t feel the suns burning my back anymore. Frankly, I didn’t mind it. I was only a bit sad, because I couldn’t do anything remarkable in these eighteen years I lived.

 

Well, apparently, I might haven’t died yet, because I was woken by a pat on my shoulder. 

“Are you the Jedi Killer?” I heard a rasped voice with a heavy accent and I finally opened my eyes and turned my head.

I saw a tall figure covered in a long black robe with a mask that reminded me of skull. This was definitely Death and he was ready to take me.

“Yeah.” I muttered weakly, and I let him pull me up to his shoulder and towards the ship nearby which I didn’t even hear when landed.

He dragged me inside and he laid me on a lair in an empty cabin. It was pleasantly cool and I closed my eyes again when he left. This was definitely a better place to end than out in the desert. I felt the ship reeling under me as we took off and soon the door slid open again and I felt him sit down on the edge of the lair.

He methodically pulled off my boots, the credit chip and the vibroblade falling out and clattering on the floor. Then came my upper robes, leaving only my undershirt on, and he had to peel off the leather attire as it stuck to my hot and sweaty skin. I heard him hiss softly, when my arms were exposed, and I could only imagine how bad the rashes looked.

He probably didn’t like the damaged goods, because soon I felt him putting something soothingly cold on my skin.

“Sit up.” He commanded me, and I obeyed, though it took me some effort to pull myself up. I peeked at him and he handed me a cup. “Drink.”

I didn’t hesitate. I was thirsty, and though the drink tasted sweet and fruity, it still eased the dryness of my mouth and throat.

“Now you have to come.” He took the cup from me and helped me to stand up, but by now I felt like I could walk on my own and he let me. We went out to a narrow corridor, the floor cold against my soles. He opened a door not too far from my cabin and he nodded to me to go inside.

“Sit there.” He pointed at a short, round estrade in the middle and I obeyed, sitting down on my knees. He closed the door back and the lights went off.

It was pitch dark and I wondered if this was really the end. Maybe this was the punishment for my sins, if this sort of things existed.

I sat there for about ten minutes, and my legs were growing numb, but I didn’t dare to move. Suddenly, on the wall across me, a light flickered and a blueish hologram appeared. It showed a tall figure standing a few steps away from me, his dark robe sweeping the floor and his scarred white face turned to me.

His glare burned holes through my chest and I lowered my head.

“Master...” I whispered weakly and that fear washed over me like when I first met him face to face. The transmission dulled nothing of the power he carried.

“There has been a great disturbance in the Force. You have been touched by the Light.” His voice rumbled through mercilessly.

I shivered, but I tried my best not to seem as dead scared as I was.

“I’m sorry, Master. It was Luke Skywalker.” I said. “But I promise I --“

“Silence!” He roared and I flinched, looking away. “Continue your quest to Endor to retrieve the remains of Darth Vader. Once you are successful, return to Moraband.”

“Yes, Master.” I nodded and the hologram flicked a few times before it disappeared, leaving the room dark again.

I wasn’t sure whether I was allowed to leave or not, but soon the door opened and the skull-masked person was there.

“Come.” He waved to me and I stood up, my legs shaking a little. I followed him back to the cabin, and then past, to the end of the corridor. He opened a door there, revealing a small refresher, then he turned to a compartment and handed me a pile of black fabric, which, I assumed, were clothes.

“I’ll be at the front, in the cockpit.” He said and I nodded, stepping inside.

The room was smaller than I first thought, only enough place that I could strip off and step inside the sonic shower. It wasn’t as good as a real, water-based shower, but I still felt better now that I was cleaned off all the sweat and dirt. I pulled on the clothes I was given, a loose pair of trousers and a tank which was quite a close fit. It was probably his personal things, and for a second I felt bad. I didn’t even know who he was and he probably only helped me on my Master’s command.

I stepped to the mirror above the small sink and looked at my face. I haven’t actually seen myself since before the massacre and I was more than surprised to note I haven’t changed much. My eyes looked a bit darker and duller, and my cheeks were hollower than ever, in overall, I looked tired to the end. But... no wrinkled skin, or red eyes. Despite of my hair growing a bit longer than I should’ve let it, nothing was out of the regular.

I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or disappointed by this, but for now I didn’t want to dwell on it. My appearance was the last thing that mattered if I really wanted to prove my worth to my Master. And that was something I knew I had to do.

Cleaned and dressed, I left the refresher and for a few seconds I hesitated whether I should return to the cabin and sleep or not. Eventually I decided I should at least thank his kindness.

I... didn’t quite expect what I saw in the cockpit. Two women sat in the pilot seat, both humanoid and dressed in black. The one on the right must have been the one who picked me up from the desert, the skull-looking helmet resting in her lap as she was making all sort of hand signs towards the other woman, who was eating from a small bowl. When I stepped in, they both stopped and looked at me.

“I... just wanted to thank you...” I started, breaking the silence and the one, who helped me, stood up. She looked like she was around her thirties and her ginger hair was in a loose bun. She went to a small stove-like thing with a pot on it in the corner, and she put some food into another bowl. 

“Come, sit down. Eat with us.” She waved towards the two passenger seats and I took the offered bowl and sat down. She didn’t turn to the other woman now, just looked outside absently.

I was rather distracted by the food for a while. It was finally some kind of a rich stew with many chopped parts to chew on, and I had to refrain from humming loudly. It was far the best food I have ever eaten in my whole life. I thought I could cry, but then again, I resisted.

The other woman finished her food and set down her bowl by the leg of her seat, then turned to me, probably to study me. I stared back, swallowing the bite I had in my mouth and then held her gaze.

She was younger, must’ve been only a few years older than me. She had dark hair which was around shoulder length, and her eyes were almond shaped and a bit too small, but otherwise she was something I would call pretty. I saw she had a helmet too, which now rested at her feet, along with a rifle.

I knew I should’ve said something, but nothing really came to my mind, so I slowly returned to my food while I could still feel her eyes on me. Being watched like this only made me a tad uncomfortable.

“What’s this?” I asked her when I was almost finished with my food. She didn’t reply just glanced at the ginger woman who turned to me.

“Runyip stew.” She informed me briefly.

I nodded. “It’s...really good.”

She smiled a little and I felt something in my chest again, but it wasn’t painful or alarming at all.

“Linza cooked it.” She nodded towards the dark haired woman and then did those hand signs again. I assumed it was some sort of a sign language they used to communicate. I thought I could learn it if I was around them for long enough, but that was quite unlikely. I had a mission.

I finished the food and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, only now noting how the rashes on my arms weren’t hurting that much. Since last time I checked, they’ve turned dark brown, but they still looked like they were swelling.

“What’s got you?” The ginger woman asked when she noticed I was looking at them. I assumed she had already done something to them when she took off my clothes.

“Some kind of spore plant on Felucia.” I shrugged.

“The worst.” She snorted then stood up. “I have remedy for that. Come.”

She led me back to my cabin and seated me on the lair, then went to retrieve something. I assumed a medpack, but when she returned she had two rolls of bandages and a small jar. It contained some light green cream and she rubbed it on my arms. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt at all, and my forearms felt pleasantly numb, even when she bandaged them.

“Thank you.” I said and she smiled again, and for some reason it made me smile too.

“You sleep now.” She stood up, putting the lid back on the jar. I chewed on my lower lip for a second.

“I have to go to Endor.” I called after her finally. She stopped in the doorway, turning back.

“I know. Supreme Leader told me.” She nodded. “We take you to Endor.”

I wanted to thank her again, but I didn’t want to go overboard. I nodded and she left, closing the door behind herself. I sat around for a little longer, wondering how much my Master – or as she called him, the Supreme Leader – told them about me and the mission, and how much I was allowed to tell. They clearly knew the name he used to refer to me and they knew exactly where to find me, but from her question on my rashes, I assumed they didn’t know about the way I ended up on Tatooine.

Eventually I decided it was time to sleep. I really needed it and despite of the lair being a bit too hard to my liking, I still felt like it was some sort of a temporary heaven where I could heal and regain my strength before I had to continue the mission.

I closed my eyes and almost instantly, I fell into a deep slumber.


	6. in which I finally completed my mission on Endor

Our flight took two days to Endor. When I wasn’t sleeping, I was sitting with the women in the cockpit. It took me a while to get used to the constant silence, but surprisingly I never felt awkward or tense. Sometimes I did catch one of them staring at me almost expectantly, but even these times, their looks held some respect for me, which I didn’t quite understand. As if they knew more about me than just a boy who had to be picked up from Tatooine, half dead.

They took turns in piloting whenever they couldn’t let the ship be on autopilot. Linza cooked twice a day and I helped her. We quickly fell into a habit when she would show me what to do and then let me do it. I still couldn’t understand many of her signs, though I picked up plenty from watching her conversation with the other woman – whose name was Zennah, as I later learned.

They were a strange pair, I had to say. I wasn’t actually sure if they slept at all, because whenever I was awake, they were always sitting in the pilot seats together. When they _talked_ , which was rare, even with their sign language, they leaned in closely and they took long pauses. Sometimes they just smiled. And certainly none of them spoke Basic properly. After my first night, when I was rested and sharp enough to recognize how Zennah struggled with talking, I offered her we could speak in another language and she chose Huttese. She still had an accent, but she was far more fluent, which left me wondering where she learnt it. But I didn’t ask and she didn’t explain.

Later I figured out Linza could lip-read Huttese to some level, so it was indeed handy. After our first actual dinner, she went to the back and came back with a datapad. It was an old model, but still worked and she typed down a small _thank you_ for helping with the cooking. Later she used the same method to teach me more of the signs and she laughed voicelessly when I messed up, but somehow it didn’t feel degrading. I laughed with her and corrected my mistakes.

I was sitting in the seat I claimed as mine, biting on my nails which were overgrowing now, when Zennah turned around.

“Endor is ahead.” She said and I nodded, getting up so I could stand between their seats. 

Indeed the moon was right in front of us, its greenness almost taking up the whole view as we grew closer. It looked just like in my dreams when I fell asleep to my mother’s tales about the Battle of Endor.

“The Rebel Alliance claims most of it.” I said, trying to bring up any useful memory about the Rebel base on the moon.

Zennah nodded and signed something to Linza, probably a warning, because I could pick out the sign _careful_.

“It’s a neutral ship. We are neutral towards the Alliance. But it’s best if they don’t know about us.” She glanced at me. “Do you know where their stand is?”

“No.” I shook my head. “But I doubt they have advanced monitoring. There are mostly Ewoks.”

She turned back to the screen and I saw her frowning at the radar screen, probably trying to find a good place to land. I decided it was time to get ready, so I went back to my cabin and changed back to my own clothes which were previously washed and freed of every grain of sand. I hid my credit chip and the vibroblade in my boots again, because I wasn’t sure whether I would come back to this ship or this was the last time I saw Zennah and Linza. This thought made me a bit upset, but I didn’t let it show on my face when I went back to the cockpit. 

Through the viewport, I saw us closing to a clearing and Zennah nodded to me.

“We’re gonna land immediately.”

I walked to the middle of the corridor where the exit was and with my hand hovering above the opening panel, I waited until we landed with a thud.  
The doors slid open and I stepped outside, taking in the forest with its tall trees and the scent of wet dirt lingering in the air.

Zennah came after me and stopped on the edge of the platform, handing me a small device.

“Map.” She explained and I thanked her. I didn’t actually have much idea where to go from here anyway.

“I don’t know how long it will take. You don’t have to wait for me.” I shifted my blaster’s strap so it would lie on one shoulder, easier to pull out and fire. Just in case.

“We’ll wait.” She insisted and I nodded, before turning to head into the forest.

I had some vague memories of my mother telling me about the celebration after the battle. Her tales mostly focused on their heroic feats and the adorable but fierce Ewok warriors who helped them. She never named the actual place, but I remembered seeing a village built on trees in her thoughts. This could be my first destination.

I walked for about five more minutes just for my own enjoyment, before I decided to pull out the map. The forest reminded me a lot of the one on Yavin 4, but the weather was much more pleasant here. I located myself on the holomap quite easily and according to the few village names on the map, I figured out which could be the one I was looking for. The name _Bright Tree Village_ was speaking for itself.

I assumed it would take quite a long walk, so I set out my direction and pocketed the map. The terrain wasn’t difficult at all, just a few hills here and there, and sometimes I felt like there were paths trodden in the fernery. I was moving fast, so I had to stop occasionally to check if I was still heading the right way and I left marks on the trees either with the vibroblade or my blaster.

It was about an hour or two when I finally spotted something ahead which wasn’t just a bunch of trees. It seemed like there was something metallic shining on a small clearance. I slowed down so I could sneak closer without being noticed.

What I thought to be a Rebel base, was actually a shipwreck, mostly hidden by moss, but some parts were still visible. It was an X-wing model and as I approached, I saw the traces of grime on the front. Whether it was shot down or caught on fire after crashing, wasn’t clear for me. But the pilot cabin’s window was broken, and after I made sure there were no human remains inside, I climbed in.

The control panel didn’t exactly looked like those I saw in my childhood. I knew they often made improvements, sometimes individually, but this seemed to be an entirely different model. Yet it didn’t matter since I wasn’t about to pilot it. Just out of curiosity, I tried to revive at least the screens but the circuit was beyond repair and I had no luck. Instead I went through the compartments for any goods and I found a glove and a dirty rag, so nothing useful.

I climbed out and rather disappointedly, continued my way. The wreck was at least a good landmark, and since there were no traces of a dead pilot around, I assumed there was either a Rebel base nearby or an old Imperial post which shot down the X-wing.

I was moving much careful now and after another uneventful hour, I stopped to rest a little. I was starting to become hungry, but I pushed it away. In the past days I had enough food to go without eating for at least today. I sat down on a fallen trunk and pulled out the map. According to my calculations, within half an hour I should find a river and from then my way would be easy, just following the flow.

I secretly hoped I would feel it when I was close to the remains of Darth Vader. I wasn’t very sure what to look for, and my Master didn’t let me consciously use the Force since the massacre, leaving me constantly deprived, so I had to rely on my intuitions. I assumed he did this so I wouldn’t be touched by the Light any longer, but restricting myself was a nuisance. 

But he knew better than me. And I obeyed, despite of the difficulties it caused. When I felt like my legs weren’t straining anymore, I got up and continued my way, now intentionally looking for the river.

Indeed it didn’t take long until I thought I could hear the ripple of a spring, which I assumed belonged to the river I was looking for. I turned off my path and headed to the source of the noise and soon enough I found myself wading in a shallow puddle. It didn’t seemed to be moving in anyway, and therefore it was dirty, but when dipped my fingers inside, the water was cold. 

I walked further inside, but even at its deepest point, it barely reached my ankles. I located the wide and pretty weak spring, and headed to the opposite direction, parallel to my original path. After a good ten minutes I got to a clearance and it seemed like the flow carved a deeper and narrower course for itself, because the riverbanks were steeper here and the water-level much higher. 

By the time the river returned to the forest with a soft turn, I noticed some sort of edifices on the lower levels of the trunks. They looked like small wooden eggs attached to the tree with oval windows and ropes hanging from the bottom of them. I couldn’t see any living creatures around who could’ve lived in it, but when I walked closer, something flew from one of the windows, past me and landed in the river a few steps behind me.

I immediately got my blaster out, aiming for the window on the left where it came from. But nothing moved and I backed to check on the thing. It looked like some sort of a spear, pretty primitive, but it was sharp enough to get stuck in the bed of the river.

I was much careful this time, attempting to approach again, but now there was nothing thrown at me, so I continued my way. I guessed this must’ve been the edge of the village I was looking for, and yet...I still felt nothing.

After those few edifices, the forest was empty again, or at least for a few meters. Soon I found myself under several similar buildings, but they were far above me and wooden bridges connected them. I stopped for a minute just to take in the sight. My mother’s memories were nowhere near as astonishing as the reality.

Somehow it reminded me of Kashyyyk, the planet of the wookiees where I’ve been to many times during my childhood. There, the houses were built on the trees too, though they were much larger and the villages were often covered in mist, thick enough that we couldn’t see the other houses around.

The village was silent and if the buildings hadn’t been in an impeccable condition, I would’ve thought they were abandoned. But probably the inhabitants saw me approaching and they hid, which I was quite thankful for. I had no interest in being stopped or delayed, I just wanted to complete my mission.

And indeed, I wasn’t disturbed. At one point, when I was somewhere which I assumed was the middle of the village, with huts even on the ground level, I thought I heard someone run across the bridge above me, but I couldn’t see them and I wasn’t really bothered. I stopped for a second, checking the map just to make sure I was at the right place and then I closed my eyes...

I did it, because I didn’t have any other idea. I knew my Master wouldn’t be happy about it, but collecting the remains was much more important in my opinion.

I could immediately feel the creatures around me, small things hidden in the backrooms of their houses, shivering in fear. But there was something else that occupied my attention, something stronger to feel. 

It was in me. 

A dark swirl of Force in my chest which felt stronger and stronger with each breath, but it didn’t hurt at all. It just scared me a little.

I tried my best at ignoring it and focusing on the remains instead. I spread out my senses as much as I could, finding it somehow harder than before, but I assumed I was just out of practice.

It took me a lot until I could locate something that felt like a grave. It was calling for me, trying to lure me in, but it was too subtle despite of not being too far. I memorized the place and I cut through the path between the huts. Slowly I left the village behind and I walked about half a mile more until I found the place I saw.

Nearly twenty years passed but the ash and the grime was still visible on the small clearing. I knew about the tradition, about how Jedi burned their dead. We had to do it way too many times back in the Academy. I didn’t burn any of those who I killed. Now this thought made me feel bad.

The call I felt came from somewhere near the pile of grime, between the trees. After a little search I even found a heap of rocks and stones, which was used to mark the grave, as I assumed. I set my blaster against a fallen trunk and rolled the most of them away. I thought they felt almost static against my palms, but it could easily be my excitement.

I used a thick stick to dig. The soil was damp and soft, and whatever was buried here, it wasn’t too deep in. Probably my uncle used the same tools as I did. When my extemporary shovel hit something hard and flat, I threw it away and continued with my hands, widening the hole to find the edges of this...box.

It was a box. Made of metal or maybe durasteel, I couldn’t tell even after I pulled it out and dusted it off; it seemed durable, but it had no marks or fancywork. It wasn’t wider than maybe twice my palms and for a second I seriously doubted it could contain all of Darth Vader’s ashes. Maybe it was just a trick. I tried to unlock it and to my surprise it opened smoothly, as if it was new.

I wasn’t ready for what I saw inside.

Neatly placed in the middle, a lightsaber laid, a battered, yet still shiny hilt with black vertical scores. I never saw it before.

But I knew what it was.

I wiped off my hands on my pants, and took it out of the box. For a second I just held it, the metal still warm, and that electric feeling was back again, but now it ran through my hand and down on my spine. I ignited it.

It flickered and I heard, no, I _felt_ , something cracking inside. Raw energy radiated from the middle and the metal heated, burning my hand and all my instincts screamed to let go. And I did so, unable the hold the saber any longer. I dropped it back into the box and slammed the lid on it, scared that it would explode immediately.  
But it didn’t. I waited a little, shaking my hand and checking my palm, and I thought I could already see blisters appearing. When it cooled off enough that I could ignore the pain, I lifted the lid again, checking on the lightsaber. It was the same as I found it, but I wasn’t stupid enough to touch it again.

I secured the lid on it and got to my feet, picking up my blaster from the tree. I found my way back to the village easily, the inhabitants still hiding, but I didn’t really care. I had what I came for.

Or at least, I thought. When my Master mentioned _remains_ , I assumed the contents of a coffin, or more likely an urn. But in a twisted sense, this was a remain too, a legacy.

I followed the river back, and I only stopped when I reached that place where the spear was thrown at me. I dipped my right hand in the water and stood like this for about five minutes, just cooling the burn.

Maybe my Master had no clue what was left here from Darth Vader. It was hard to believe, but this could be the only explanation. The lightsaber was the only thing I felt. That place was clearly where my uncle gave the final tribute to Darth Vader. He would either be buried there, along with his weapon, or his ashes were taken to somewhere else.

When my hand became numb from the cold, I continued my way until I reached the spring where I started. From here, I followed my marks on the trees. The sun was setting above the forest, making it darken rapidly, so I had no time to stop and rest if I wanted to make out of here before the night. I wasn’t scared. I just had nothing to light the way with.

I was tired and I was in pain and I had way too many questions for my Master. It was a relief when I finally reached the edge of the forest where we landed. It was almost fully dark, but I could still see the ship and its red signal lights illuminated the two figures sitting on the platform.

They must’ve seen me, because one of them – I assumed Zennah – stood up, and in a slow, but steady pace, headed to me.

“You are safe.” It was indeed Zennah. She stopped a few meters away from me and waited for me to approach. 

I didn’t quite understand what she meant with that. Was I not safe before?

“Hurry.” She said, then I squinted a little and as we walked closer to the lights, I could see she had something strapped to her back. It looked like a thin metal stick with long lightbulb-looking ends. It was probably a weapon.

“What happened?” I asked as all three of us sat down in the cockpit. I held the box in my lap, happily noting that it cooled down by now.

I didn’t get any answers and Linza started the engines to take off. I wondered why we were so fast to leave, and what made them sit outside, all armed, waiting for me.  
But I was thankful, really. I sat around until we left Endor’s atmosphere, and when still no one talked, I decided I could use a little sleep. I stood up and made my way back to my cabin without word.

I stripped off my clothes, and put on the clothes I got from Zennah. But when I was crawling onto the lair, suddenly something hit me, some poisonous suspicion, and I had to get out, because it didn’t let me rest. 

I have placed all my stuffs in the corner by the door, but now I picked the box up and looked around for a place to hide it. There were no visible compartments around, and nor were secret ones, I checked, so I chose that narrow gap between the head of the lair and the wall.

Why I felt like hiding it, I didn’t know. The lightsaber clearly couldn’t be used, it was too damaged, and none of the women shown to have any relation to the Force or even interest in the matter of my mission. And still...

It called for me and it felt to be mine. Truly mine.


	7. in which we head to the Inner Rim.

"Our destination?" Zennah looked up when I entered the cockpit and sat down in my seat. There were no chronos around, but I felt like I barely slept and hour or two. The thought of having Darth Vader's lightsaber at hand didn't let me rest.

"Moraband." I said, smoothing the box's cold lid. I felt like I had to constantly keep my eyes on it, that suspicious fear has craved its way into my core and it left me twitchy.

Zennah frowned a little but didn't say anything and from the corner of my eyes I saw her opening the map.

"Is it in the unknown region?" She asked after she spent several minutes studying the planets of the galaxy.

"I don't know. My Master only gave me the name." I shrugged and stood up, holding the box under my arm. I looked the map through as well, but I couldn't spot the planet. "Can we look it up in the Archive?"

"We don't have access to it. We'll have to stop somewhere." Zennah touched Linza's shoulder gently and then signed something to her. Now both of them were looking at me, expecting me to decide.

"Well, then, we have no choice, I guess." It was the first time I felt awkward in their presence. "We'll stop somewhere to check the Archive."

Zennah nodded and signed to her co-pilot, then they both turned back to the control panel. When none of them tried to communicate with me anymore, I decided to retreat to my cabin.

I made sure I locked the door and settled on the lair, pulling the box in my lap. I kept smoothing the lid, and I closed my eyes as if I could feel the radiating energy inside that came from the saber. When I first held it in my hands on Endor, I was in awe. Now every time I thought about it, I became uncertain to the point where I felt like I could cry.

I opened the box and took the saber out. I felt those almost electric sting in my palm, but the metal was cold and...calm. As if it had its own feelings, but it could be easily my imagination.

I set the box aside and studied the hilt closely. It was battered, scratches and burn marks on its lower part, which might've been caused by either the explosion of the Death Star or the bonfire, but I couldn't really tell.

I turned it around in my hands carefully, barely touching as if it was still burning. My palm was still hurting sometimes, but it was far not as bad as before and my arms healed nicely too, the rashes leaving only fading marks on my skin.

I wanted to try again, to see if I really couldn't use it, so I pressed the button. It didn't ignite, but it started to heat again, shaking and something cracking further inside. I was smarter this time and I didn't let it burn me before I dropped it back in the box, feeling sort of defeated.

"Jedi Killer!"

I slammed the lid on like a scared child and glared at the door. It was Zennah's muffled voice that startled me, and I hid the box back between the wall and the lair as if it was a secret.

"What is it?" I opened the door with a frown.

"The engines stopped. I have to go...under. To check them. Could you help Linza?"

"Stopped? Why?" I asked with growing suspicion, glancing back at where I hid the box. _She wasn't playing to get that, right?_

"Not sure. It’s like a blackout, the controllers are not working either. Maybe it's the generator."

I swallowed a little and nodded.

"The generator. I'll go...help Linza." I said.

Zennah nodded and we passed each other, she headed to the back and I went to the cockpit, sitting down next to Linza.

The screens were all black, not a single signal light was on. I pulled the hyperdrive's lever, but nothing happened. As if it was a simulator and the system haven't started yet. Back on Dantooine, in a Rebel base there was plenty like this, built like an X-wing's cockpit and you could practice on them.

Linza patted my shoulder to get my attention and then pulled her hand across her throat, signing that the craft was dead.

I nodded, and leaned back in the seat instead and looked outside, but there weren't much than the empty void, faraway stars blinking back at us. Without any mark I couldn't even tell where we were, but I assumed we were still on the Outer Rim.

Suddenly something dropped in my lap and when I looked down, it was the datapad we used with Linza to talk. She asked about where we were heading.

 _To Moraband, but first we have to stop to get a map which can lead there. I thought about using the Galactic Archive on Atzerri._ I typed and I handed it back.

She read through, probably several times and I was worried she didn't understand it, but finally she passed back her reply.

_Atzerri is on the Inner Rim._

I nodded with a wince. I knew it was a bit far but I didn't know any closer Archive stations which weren't under the Rebel Alliance's watch.

Linza put the datapad back between our seats which was somehow reassuring. It seemed like since I stepped on board she kept it close, open to have a conversation with me. I thought I liked her and Zennah too, despite of my newfound fear of them stealing Vader's saber. I wished it wouldn't have poisoned my trust.

The radar screen flicked awake, the rest of the control panel following after slowly, and the engine hummed.

Linza immediately took things in her hands, calling for a damage report and running a quick check-up. I gave her a little smile, but she didn't see me, so I turned to read through the statistics that were forwarded to me.

All signs showed that it was a power blackout, though there was no clear reason for it.

I assisted Linza as she turned on the hyperdrive, the stars which I admired before starting to blur around the craft.

"Strange." Zennah returned and I gave the seat back to her. She ran through the reports I have already checked too.

"I talked to Linza." I said, leaning to the back of her seat. "We could use the Archive station in Talos. It's on Atzerri in the Inner Rim."

"I know." She nodded, still frowning at the screen. "We go anywhere you say."

It made my chest tighten a little. They barely even knew me yet they followed every word I said and they took care of me, while I constantly kept up my guard as if they weren't trustworthy. I hated myself a little for this.

I sat down in my own seat, slouching a little. I tried not to think about the saber in my cabin and how it didn't work. I knew I wasn't supposed to use it, this wasn't my Master's order, but... I wished to. I wished I could replace the one I lost with Vader's, something that had a history I could relate to. But it was obviously damaged and needed for something else.

Linza patted my shoulder and when I looked up, she nodded towards the corner where we cooked. I followed her to the narrow, shiny counters and set out the chopping board while she brought the ingredients from the back.

She handed me a long and heavy, vegetable looking thing, and signed _peel_ , but I stood there stunned for a few more seconds as I watched her. She had a couple of small birds, plucking their bright yellow and orange feathers. Their heads and legs were already chopped off and it seemed they've been frozen.

I peeled the vegetable, finding out once your removed the brownish skin, the inside was bright purple and soft like raw dough.

Linza signed me another set of steps, so I put the vegetable in a bowl and mashed it with a fork before adding a bit of the spices that she picked out. I was distracted again by the way she cut the birds open on the front, pulling out the bones and insides on the narrow slit. She rinsed them out and set them in a pot of water to cook. Taking and tasting the mush I made she gave me a thumbs up and I grinned proudly, helping her to peel some potatoes to go with the meat.

She cooked the potatoes too, and I just stood at the side, not really knowing what to do as she took out the birds, filled them with the mush and on a tray she put them in the oven.

She signed me to do the dishes and cleaned up whatever was in the sink and wiped the counter too, which earned me a smile from her, making my heart swell a little.

The food, of course, turned out perfect, as always. With the craft on autopilot, all three of us ate silently, the only sound is the cutlery clattering against the bowls. The birds were on a plate, placed on a moveable stoll-like furniture between us and we tore them with hand. The skin was crispy thanks to the roasting it got in the oven, but under the meat was soft, almost melting in my mouth and it’s slightly sweet taste blended with the spicy filling.

I preferred the breast meat while the women both got the legs of the birds and when they finished I watched them break the thighbone almost simultaneously like they practiced it, and sucked the marrow.

I went to wash my hands and Linza followed soon, bringing the dishes, so I cleaned them again, and when I asked her where she got the birds she pointed at her rifle, still resting next to her seat. I assumed she shot them on Endor while I was away.

Linza disappeared in the back and Zennah leaned back in her seat, so I followed her example, feeling too full and calm with a meal this good. I might’ve been staring, because a few minutes later she sat up straight, pulling out the broken bone to speak.

“We are going at our top speed. It will still take some time.”

“I know.” I nodded with ease. She nodded too, but didn't settle back. I could see she was thinking. Probably about me.

"The Supreme Leader forbid us from asking too personal questions." She started eventually and I waited for her to continue, but she didn't.

"You haven't. So far." 

"I know... I'd like to."

I chewed on my lower lip, wondering what was so important to ask which was worth disobeying an order. But on the other hand, I knew how they might feel, having to escort someone whose name you don't even know.

"Okay." I nodded, waiting for her questions and I could see she was more cautious, than curious. Was she seeing me as a threat?

Was I a threat?

"Did you really kill Jedi?"

_Oh._

"Yes." I said, because I wasn't forbidden from telling the truth and I saw no reason not to do so.

Her frown deepened at my reply.

"How many?"

_All._

"Plenty."

"Were you...there. At the massacre?" She asked and she didn't say, but I could guess what she really meant.

_Were you the murderer?_

"Yes."

She leaned back in her seat again, but she didn’t seem relieved or calm at all.

"I'm sorry if these were too personal."

"No problem at all." I shrugged and indeed, I didn't feel affected, even if the scar was still fresh and I expected it to hurt a bit longer. Maybe without the regret, I was growing numb.

“I had to know.” She explained. “The Supreme Leader... He didn’t tell anything about you.”

“Do you talk to him often?” I tilted my head a little, studying her as she rolled the bone between her fingers and she shrugged.

“Not really.” Zennah admitted, the bone suddenly stopping between her fingers for a split second. “He gives us orders. Sometimes directly, through holo, or he send someone. He lets us deal in our own methods. He tells us the goal, but not the way.”

I nodded, knowing what she meant. My Master never laid out the path in front of me, like Luke did. I often felt like I was kept in the dark, unaware of something greater.  
"Does he, um, teach you?" Zennah spoke up again, making me jump a little. She struggled with the words again.

"Yes." I shifted a little awkwardly. "Or...I don't know." I admitted. "He showed me that I can do certain...things. But now..." I shrugged. 

There was no point in explaining, she could see that all I was doing is traveling up and down, only guessing what I had to do. Sometimes I was happy, because I was given freedom, I could experiment and see bits of the galaxy I didn't even know they existed. 

But on the other hand, I missed some kind of a reassuring, a fix point that gave my life structure. Before the massacre I had classes, I trained with the rest of the apprentices, and I had a schedule.

Here in the middle of space, flying at speed of the light, I didn't even know what time it was.

Linza returned and signed something I didn't understand. Zennah stood up to give her the main pilot seat, and sat in the other one. They both looked at me.

But it only lasted for an embarrassing second. Soon they both tended to their own things; Linza checked the screens and Zennah sucked on the end of the bone.

"How long have you been working for him?" I asked, thinking it was my turn to bomb the woman with questions.

"Years. Linza has been for, what..." She stopped for a second, counting. "Five standard years now. We met, we fought, we made up and eventually I followed her - and therefore the Supreme Leader too. It was about three years ago, I believe."

I tried to imagine that fragile girl who was barely older than me, fighting someone like Zennah. Not that the ginger woman was any bigger built, but she held some reassuring maturity and knowledge that I couldn't see on Linza. But of course, I still knew very little of them.

"And you? How long he's been teaching you?"

I thought about the question. Teaching, in the exact meaning, it's been about a year or two. But I felt him before, way before he even revealed himself. Just dark thoughts in the back of my mind, influencing every action.

"He's been leading me ever since I was born." I said finally, and I felt like I was topping all the years they spent under his command.

The corner of Zennah's lips twitched and I thought I saw a little smirk there.

"You must be very loyal."

Her tone made me shift awkwardly, but I shrugged, trying to play it off.

We sat like this for a few minutes before she hummed and stood up. She walked out and I was left wondering what to do now. I glanced at Linza just when she turned and she motioned to me to sit next to her.

She tapped at one of the screens and then she pointed outside. I read the message on display, asking about our destination and some details of the ship and its passengers. I quickly checked the sender, finding it came from Atzerri, more specifically the planet's traffic control system since we entered the system.

I quickly typed in Talos as a preferred destination, the type of the craft and the number of passengers, but when it asked for the identity, I couldn't fill more than 'three humans'.

I picked up the datapad from between the seats and asked Linza what I should write.

 _The truth._

Her reply didn't really help much, so I asked for her and Zennah's surnames.

_Ren._

_Both?_

_Yes._

I frowned a little, but typed it in anyway, while thinking about what I should write as my name. I obviously couldn't give Jedi Killer or Ben Solo either, not sure how much they knew about me and the things I have done.

Eventually I just wrote in the first name that came to my mind and added _Ren_ as a username too.

Matt Ren sounded stupid, but no one questioned it. We were granted permission to land on our destination along a lengthy handout about the fees and how to pay for them. I closed it, doubting we would pay a single credit through our staying.

Zennah returned as well and shooed me away from her seat. She must've read through the handout and the data I typed in, because she soon turned to me.

"You named yourself Ren?"

"I also named myself Matt." I pointed out with a shrug.

I could tell she was sizing me up and I started to feel a bit awkward now.

"I can change it if you wish..." I offered, but she just shook her head and turned back to the control panel.

"Don't."

I sat down again in my seat, just staring outside as we slowly reached the planet. It was mostly blueish from far and somehow felt calming. It must've been night or early morning, small dots of lights peppering the surface here and there. We were clearly closing to one of the brightest source near to a sea or maybe ocean.

Entering the atmosphere, we found ourselves a couple of miles away from the city, and our craft kicked the clean water up high on both sides.

I thought I heard Linza chuckle, but I was too busy watching our arrival, glued to the viewport. Indeed it was dark outside, but Talos' lights illuminated the beach and the skyscrapers towered above us almost intimidatingly as we were soon speeding through the wide streets.

"I don't know where the Archive station is. Not exactly." I admitted finally.

"No problem." Zennah said. "Linza knows."

I turned back to watch the buildings flash by until we reached a square and slowed down, getting ready to land.

We were deep in the city now, and there weren't any passer-byes around. The square was set out with large, shiny tiles, not like the rest of the streets we came through. On the end there was a skyscraper, covered with the same material and soft yellowish lights gleaming through its walls.

The women got up and started to get ready, so I saw it best to go to my cabin and pick up my blaster and, after a second of hesitation, I attached Vader's lightsaber on my belt too. I only realized it now how much I missed that reassuring weight on my hip.

Linza led us up to the front door which was almost three times taller than me and probably a bantha could fit through it easily. She motioned to us to step behind, then she shot the lock in the middle. The door slid open without resistance.

She gestured again, telling me I should go first and I took a deep breath.

The hallway inside was dark, only the very end lit with something yellowish and friendly-looking, but it illuminated the way enough for us to see. I pulled my blaster forward, ready to fire.

Our steps echoed on the slippery-shiny floor, and it seemed it was only distressing me. I got so used to sneaking that it was physically difficult to march with my head up and back straight.

We reached the end of the hall and we stepped into a round room with doors in every direction. The ceiling was high, and above us many other floors circled in an endless spiral.

Next to where we stepped in, an old lemuroid Lurmen sat behind a glass desk. Zennah was behind him in a second, the middle of her staff pressed against his throat, and Linza's blaster aimed at him.

"Ask you question." Zennah said, nodding towards the shaking Lurmen and I did so.

"I'm looking for a map which can lead me to a planet called Moraband."

The Lurmen's yellow eyes flicked from Linza's rifle to me and he let out a soft whimper.

"Let him go." I said, and both women pulled back.

"Do you have any information about Moraband?" I asked again and the short alien nodded now, still shaking. He got up, and for a second I thought he would collapse, but then he motioned to us to follow him.

He led us to one of the furthest door on the left and opened with a code combination of numbers and letters which I couldn't note. Another hallway was revealed, similar to the one we came through, except it was narrower and more lights were on. 

The Lurmen led us and only now I noticed that on both sides the walls hid drawers, each numbered and locked. After a while the hall widened into a room-like place with tables and chairs, and the alien motioned to us to sit down. 

None of us did so.

He went to one of the drawers which was just in chest-height for him and typed in another set of codes. It slid open and he pulled out a chip card which he brought to one of the tables and inserted into the holosystem in the middle.

The bluish map flicked on and now we gathered closer to look at it. I saw a set of planets from an unknown side of the galaxy, each labelled with a name and a code number which probably led to another drawer. The Lurmen squinted at the map too, zooming in and out rapidly until he found the orb which we were looking for. He noted the number and turned off the system so we couldn't use it, then returned with another chip.

The planet that appeared on the holo was Korriban. I knew the deserted planet, heard enough of its ruins and the battle from my uncle, even though I haven’t been there before.

"It's not Moraband." I almost snapped at the alien when he called out a description, including a brief history of the planet and its other names. Korriban was known as the Sith's home and later the dark Lord's burial place. And according to this holo in the Sith language it was often referred to as Moraband.

Everything happened too fast. The Lurmen suddenly slapped a button on the edge of the system which he was unnoticeably reaching for, and it activated the alarm.  
The yellow lights turned red and started pulsing while the signal screamed deafeningly.

Zennah took hold of the alien again while Linza ripped the chip out from the holomap, then grabbed my arm to drag me back to the hall.

“Wait, Wait!” I yelled, but she didn’t hear me and I could hardly keep up with her. We were running, and still we could barely slip through the closing doors.

“Zennah, she is in there.” I grabbed Linza and yanked her back when she wanted to drag me through the bigger corridor and out of the building.

She turned back and I saw something on her face, in her small dark eyes, that I couldn’t really put into words. She signed something, but it was too fast and difficult for me and in the end she just grabbed my arm and pulled me outside.

And I let her.


	8. in which I get stranded – again.

She wasn’t sad. She was angry. 

I’ve seen my mother being angry many times when I was a child. When she came back to Dantooine from the Senate, and she was still riled up, her blood boiling and she had to sit down and just stare out of the window for at least half an hour. It was frightening to see how hard she tried to contain her temper, and though she barely lashed out at me, I was truly scared every time.

I was scared now too.

Linza’s fury felt even more intense as if I was the target of it. She ignored me and as soon as we left the system she pulled out the chip to study the map. I sat next to her and I didn’t dare to move.

I had no clue how much time passed, but I was growing hungry and tired. I carefully reached for the datapad between the seats, but it wasn’t there. I understood the gesture and stood up. We still had some of the birds from lunch so I heated the leftovers and ate silently.

I laid on the lair, Vader’s lightsaber resting on my chest under my clasped hands. I thought about Zennah, I thought about how we should go back. I didn’t believe she would be killed, but jailed, most likely. We really should’ve gone back immediately. Korriban could wait.

At the end, I just fell asleep like that and I woke to the lightsaber clattering on the floor. It must’ve fell off when I turned to my side. I jumped quickly to pick it up, checking for any damage, then attached it back to my belt.

When I entered the cockpit, I realized we were no longer in space. Instead of blurred, small stars, there was one constantly blinding bright light outside. I shielded my eyes as I stepped closer to the viewport. There was a desert outside, similar to the one on Tatooine.

Linza was nowhere around, so I decided to go outside. To my surprise, the sun wasn’t as burning and the sand under my feet was much rougher and strangely solid. Near our ship, there was something huge and round lying half buried and as I went closer to inspect, I found out it must’ve been a pillar once. Its width was probably twice my height, yet it was carved with fine, detailed motifs I haven’t seen before.

I climbed on top of it to get to a higher post from where I could look around.

I was in some sort of a valley. It was relatively narrow, but long on both ends and curving, so I couldn’t see far. The mountains (or were they dunes?) around were high, and flat on the top, and there were temple-looking building carved from them. Even from the distance I could tell they were massive. My guts clenched, I felt small and intimidated.

There were many fallen pillars along with other ruins. From where I stood it seemed like there used to be a similar building to those on the mountain side. I slid off of my pillar on the other side and climbed the next one.

I was on Korriban. I had Darth Vader's remains from Endor. But I didn't know where to go from here.

My body was still shaking as I climbed up a few collapsed stairs and got around a wall with every brick carved with those motifs. I wondered who had that much time.

On the other side of the wall I spotted two sets of stairs leading up from the valley to the temples on each side. I wasn't sure I could climb that many, but I still headed for the one on the right with a horned man's statue on top of it.

But when I reached the base of the stairs and saw the two hound-like creature made from the same yellowish stone like everything here, I felt like I didn't choose well. I turned around and sized up the other temple, just across. It looked just the same, except the statue on it didn't have horns and its face was hollower.

It looked more like my Master.

I could swear there was about two thousand steps, but I lost counting after sixty. As I got higher, the sun started to burn while the wind got stronger and I was caught in a constant discomfort. On top, something anxious started to rise in my chest.

I was out of breath and sweating heavily upon reaching the entrance. I turned back, looking down at our craft, just a metallic dot between the ruins and sand.  
From the other side, the horned statue stared into my soul. I couldn't help but feel it was alive - or it has been, not long ago.

The gates were open, but the corridor inside was narrow and dark. And as I stepped in, I noted it was cold too, making me shiver again.

I was scared. Clearly these buildings must've been temples or other sacred places and while I wasn't religious and didn't really believe in anything, it was still something I didn't want to disrespect.

The corridor led me into a room which size I couldn't tell. I vaguely felt the other end, made from the carved bricks, but otherwise I was navigating with a hand stretched forward. It just occurred to me that I left my blaster on the ship, so I had no weapon except a malfunctioning lightsaber.

If I bumped into something - or someone -, they could end me easily.

My hand brushed against something in the middle. I pulled back immediately, starting to panic, and I needed a second to calm down and reach out again.  
It was cold and solid, but smooth on the surface. It reached up to mid-thigh and as I walked around it I figured out it was more like a table.

After a little hesitation I left it and continued my way to the back until I reached the wall. Surely this small room couldn't be the only one in the temple, from the outside it looked far bigger and I could've bet it continued into the depths of the mountain too, but I just couldn't find the way further in.

So I turned around, feeling a bit guilty. I should've waited for Linza to return or my Master to tell me where to go.

I turned back and briefly I wondered what if I found the gates closed, but it was just as open as before. Except when I looked down from the peak of stairs, I couldn't see the ship.

Linza left.

Of course, she left, this was her mission, to take me here. Now she was probably heading back to Atzerri to find Zennah.

And I was sitting on the stairs of an ancient temple of Korriban and I had no clue where to go from here.

I needed something to make light with. Sooner or later the sun would set and I don't feel like spending hours in the dark. Sleeping wasn't an option.

The horned statue from across was still staring so I thought I could check that temple too. I cut across the valley to find its stairs were in an even worse condition and much steeper, almost vertical. There were parts where I had to crawl on all fours.

Humiliating as it was, I reached the top only to find the entrance barricaded with huge rocks. The transom must've collapsed years ago and I couldn't move them aside enough to peek in. They were permanently stuck.

I had to sit down, my legs shaking with the effort of climbing all those stairs. I'd go back down to the ruins, find a piece of wood or something that can be lit, search for food and water, and possibly for weapons too.

Eventually I gained back some of my strength so I backed down on the stairs like it was a ladder.

The sun was still on peak and I almost forgot how much hotter it was down here. I made my way through the ruins to where the ship was previously, bitterly acknowledging that it was indeed gone, them explored the other side.

There was a wall with a few missing bricks as windows in the middle and whatever held it together was truly effective since the whole thing looked like it fell a long way down - I could only assume from the top of the mountains.

I could jump high enough to brace myself on the edge of the window and crawl through it, though my shoulders were a close fit.

I wasn't quite prepared to what I saw.

A couple of meters away from me, there was a creature devouring something that looked like human remains. My first thoughts went for Linza, but then I waved them off. Someone had to fly our ship away.

I pressed my back against the wall, that rush of fear suddenly becoming stronger in my chest. The hound-like animal didn't recognize me yet, but I couldn't climb back because the sand was uneven here and I was much lower than the other side.

So I had to wait to see what was going to happen. I inched to the side to get some coverage from another piece of wall and some open space to escape if needed, but I could hardly outrun something like that.

My hand trailed to the lightsaber on my side, knowing it wouldn't work, but maybe I could use the hilt to hit stronger. And then I waited.

Long minutes passed and I was sure it saw me, its current meal was probably more worthy of attention. I inched some more until I lost the coverage then looked around to see how I could get back to the other side of the wall.

The hound looked up, its glowing red eyes scanning me. I froze, unable to move even though my whole mind screamed run.

It abandoned the prey and headed to me with long, slow steps, nothing like a predator in hunt. Not like I would’ve been much of an opponent, with the saber hilt as my only mean to fight.

It was...large. Its three-horned head was lowered, obviously hunching and dragging one leg, yet it was still taller than me by half of my height. I could easily tell this because he came close enough that I could even smell the dried blood on its black, chapped skin.

It smelled me with its lips pulled back, showing off three sets of sharp teeth, each the size of my fingers, and drooling in a pool in front of me. It looked a lot like the statues at the bottom of the horned man’s temple.

It truly scared me, the closeness, the unalarmed way it examined me, but with muscles flexed, ready to jump at me. I closed my eyes and I held my breath, but somehow I knew it wouldn’t kill me.

Then the hound grunted and poked me with its nose with such force that I tipped back, my back slamming against the wall. It gave me one long look before something caught its attention and it raised its head, studying the sky briefly, then turned to jog back to its meal and past, down on the valley.

Right before it could disappear, it turned back towards me and sat down, its injured leg stretched by its side. I figured out it was far enough now and I turned quickly, trying to climb the wall where it was a bit shorter.

It wasn’t quite a howl, more like a mix of a scream and a yelp. I stiffened in fear, not stopping this time, but starting panicking and trying to climb even faster. I slipped and I hanged halfway until my arms could hold my weight and I dropped back, landing on my butt.

I heard those padding steps on the sand again, and I jumped to my feet, backing against the wall again as the hound came back. I raised the hilt, showing the creature that I was ready to fight if I needed to, that I was a threat to its life.

Instead, it sniffed the lightsaber too, grunting softly. It pulled back its lips again, and opened its mouth, letting out an almost unarticulated sound, but in my head, it made sense.  
 _Come_

The hound jogged away again, and this time I followed him, if not completely willingly though. It never stopped and never waited for me, but sometimes slowed down so I could catch up.

The valley was longer than I thought and the sun was starting to set behind the mountains by the time we reached the end of it. It was more of a basin, high passes around and a building in the middle with a couple of stairs leading up to the entrance.

Another hound tagged along, and first I thought they were mates, but later I got the idea that they were more like a mother and cub. Even the smaller one was taller than me, and it gave me no attention.

But there was a constant pressing feeling on the front of my head, almost like a developing headache. I thought I got a sunstroke and I was getting tired, but suddenly grow harder when the second creature joined. They had to have some sort of power on me, wordlessly communicating with their surroundings.

We reached the base of the building when it was almost completely dark. The hounds waited for me to reach the first step and I knew I had to go in. I just didn’t know why, and didn’t know if I could.

I sat down and rubbed my temples, stretching my legs. The bigger creature came to me and shoved me with her nose again, my back hitting the edge of the stairs painfully, but I hardly had the strength to cry out.

But I understood and I got up, pulling myself up, every step is an achievement.

I could feel their glares on my back as I finally stepped in, and I could feel them even after the gates closed, leaving me in the darkness for a long second.

 

But I wasn’t alone.


	9. in which I sink to a near-feral state in order to build my lightsaber

My Master.

Three meters tall menace in flowing black robes. His pale skin almost glowed in the dark as he sat in front of me on a throne.

I thought I started crying, my cheeks were damp and I shook in the fear that overwhelmed me. I tried to keep it together, biting my lip to stop from whimpering like a pathetic child.

This is how I presented, lying in front of him on the ground, being a complete mess.

He didn't say anything for long. He gave no blame, nor comfort, but I could feel him watching me.

And judging.

I have no clue how much time had passed when my tears started to dry out and though I was still tired beyond possibility, I was slowly pulling myself together.

_Fear is only temporary. It's easier to get used to it than one would think._

"I'm sorry, Master." I said hoarsely, sitting up and wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. 

He didn't move and didn't speak up for another few minutes and I thought he might haven't seen me.

"You tamed two Sith hounds." He said finally, ignoring my apology. 

"I didn't do anything." I shook my head. "They just led me..."

"They are still outside." He cut in, as if I haven't spoken. "Even if it's not beneficial for them to wait around."

This time I didn't reply, not knowing what to say. I didn't know what these creatures were, and why they did what they did. I told them nothing.

My Master's glare finally slipped to me and I felt like my whole body started to itch.

“What you’ve got?”

I was on my knees by now, and I quickly took the lightsaber from my belt and offered it to him.

“His saber, Master.”

He hummed softly, closing his eyes for a second. I did too, finding it easier to fight the numbness that set, after the dread was over. I was still shivering with cold and tiredness.

“Rise.”

I needed all my strength to make my legs work, to make them hold me up. But when my Master ordered, there were no things I couldn’t do. Almost as if his words were pulling me on a string.

“Have you felt the Force of the orb?”

“Yes, Master.” I nodded, and I wasn’t lying. 

I just didn’t expect the Force could be this frightening. I knew I didn’t know much, always being restricted from either way, but it has been natural since I was born. Like an extension of my body. Maybe I held back my senses for too long and I lost the ability to feel at ease.

“I want you to embrace it. Feel it more. Know the planet. Meditate.” His words echoed deeply in the dark room. “And when you are ready...” He pointed at the saber in my hand. “I want you to use Darth Vader’s lightsaber to build your own.”

 

-

 

There was a lake, with crystal clear water, small fish flickering golden in the forever-setting sun. The sky was pink and orange, the grass soft and cold against my soles. The mountains around were high, the peaks snow covered and seemingly without any pass through them. At times, when the early sunset wasn’t cloudy, I could see the blizzards on them, but I never felt cold.

I never actually felt anything.

 

-

 

I lost counting. Time truly became untraceable spending hours, days, weeks in that dark room. I thought I was asleep most of the time, lost in a place far from here, a lake that probably didn’t exist. 

I only went out when I couldn’t go any longer without food or water. The hounds waited outside, more of them joining every time, and by my third break there was a whole pack.

Somehow they stopped being intimidating. Either I learned they won’t hurt me, or something truly changed in me. I stood in front of them. I let my suppressed powers flow through me, breathing in what I could drain from the planet around me.

It was the fifth or sixth time I left the temple when I finally had a lightsaber. I went back to the temples where I first set to Korriban and dug through the ruins. With the Force it was way easier to find the right materials.

The crystal was cracked, that’s why it didn’t work for me. It took a lot of planning how to put it together in the right way, and not once I woke from my meditation with the pieces of the weapon clattering around me.

But now. Now it was in my hand, the first prototype, makeshift as it was, but it had to work.

The hounds must’ve felt it too. I dropped my scarf at the base of the stairs – I used a long stripe of black fabric, most likely a piece of a flag in its golden years, to protect me from the sunlight whenever I decided to go outside.

“I need something to kill.” I announced loudly, clearly. Though they were a Force-sensitive species, and we could mostly communicate with basic words, I knew they understood more than that.

Some of them sat down. Some jogged away and some shifted to the side until only on stood across me. I thought it was the young male, who led me here with his mother, but it was hard to tell them apart by now.

I took a few steps towards him and he stood his ground, baring his teeth. I bared mines too.

I ignited my lightsaber, the red blade flicking on and immediately spitting sparks around, burning my hand.

I dropped it on the sand, screaming more in frustration than the pain. The hound that took my challenge, stepped back, and I took only a second to glare at him. I grabbed the hilt that was still hot and threw it back inside the room, heading back too.

I didn’t come out again until I’ve got a new saber. Its hilt was much thicker and longer to make it more stable. I didn’t know much about the physics part of the building, but I knew the crack was the problem. It made the whole weapon unreliable.

I was out again, challenging the same male. My lightsaber worked this time, even if the blade flickered off every other second, and when the hound jumped at me, I killed him with a slash along his stomach.

I only realized what happened a second later, when the hilt exploded in my hand.

The hounds didn’t return anymore and I haven’t left the room. First I couldn't even move or feel my hand, but when the sensation started to return, it burned as if I held a billion suns in my palm. I had to get away from the pain and I found out that chilling the burned skin in the lake of my meditation helped more than any real remedy.

I didn’t want to work on the saber, but need was a great motive. And I didn’t dare to peep out unarmed, not knowing what waited for me.

The magnetic stabilizer I took out of the original hilt didn’t work perfectly, I would sooner or later have to replace it with a new one. But I figured out if I built two vents on the sides, the pent up energy could escape instead of building up inside.

I kept my right arm wrapped under the scarf to protect it from the sunlight. I was weak and injured – even with the Force and the saber, I was an easy prey. I felt them watching, I saw the red eyes gleaming in the corner of my vision, but they didn’t approach.

Not even when a spaceship appeared on the narrow strip of sky, above the mountains. I was sitting on the last stair, tearing a preserved ration pack open with my teeth as I watched it cut through above the valley, and I already thought about how I’d go through its cargo if it landed close. At this point I felt like I could kill anyone, I could claim anything - not out of power, but desperation.

For two days, nothing happened. I stayed outside, not afraid that any creature would attack me even in my sleep. In my dreams, my hand kept healing in the lake and when I was awake, it indeed felt better. I could curl my fingers slowly and not completely, but it was improving. From then I practiced constantly, trying to hold the hilt even if the skin was still sensitive.

My skin was wrinkled from the lack of water and proper rest, and as much as I could feel, I grew a patchy stubble. It was still short but to my measures, it was the most I've ever had. A lot of time must've passed, many months or even a year, I wasn't sure.

One day, when I arrived back to the sanctum, where I meditate, I found the pack of hounds surrounding a lean figure. They weren't clearly fighting, the stranger made no attempt to attack or defend themselves and nor did the hounds.

When I approached and they noticed, the creatures fled and I was left alone with the stranger. They was about as tall as me, covered in black and a helmet hiding their features. I thought about Zennah and Linza.

They must've been the one who came with that ship. I would've lied if I said I wasn't a bit excited about it.

I ignited my lightsaber and it didn't flicker and it didn't explode. It had a steady blade with two smaller ones coming out sheer from the vents.

"I'm not here to fight you." The stranger said, their voice low and distorted, but I could barely here from the rush. I rolled the saber in my hand, and I didn't watch out for the vents.

I immediately dropped the weapon with a yelp, quickly peeling away the fabric, but it wasn't burnt. It was only too close.

"Oh boy." The stranger looked up and I could see them adjusting their clothes. It took me a second to realize they were about to reach for their weapon before they changed their mind.

"That looks nasty." They continued, nodding towards my arm I cradled. I snarled at them. "I know a witch who could heal that, but she is in captivity right now."

_Zennah._

"Are you working for the Supreme Leader?" I asked and oddly, I found it hard. My voice was hoarse and my face felt stiff, but I didn't quite forgot how the words tasted in my mouth.

"Obviously." They replied.

I pulled the cover back on my arm and picked up my lightsaber, dusting it off and attaching it on my belt.

"What is my mission?" I asked. I haven't talked to my Master since the holo transmission when I arrived here. It felt real enough.

"I can't know. It's your mission." They shrugged. "I was only sent here to take you from here."

"To where?"

"Anywhere." They shrugged again.

I hesitated. After all, I did what my task was here. I built a lightsaber and it worked, I just needed some time to practice with it.

"Show me to the ship." I nodded finally, and they led me back in the valley to the temples.

I could vaguely feel the hounds following us, but they always stayed out of sight. I wanted to believe I've earned their respect and fear and this was their way of saying goodbye.

This craft was much bigger than Zennah and Linza's, so I expected to find another stranger aboard, but when we entered, I realized it was only us. I watched as they sat down in the cockpit, not removing their helmet like the women did.

When I took the co-pilot seat, they shook their head disapprovingly.

"You should be sleeping." They said, the ship coming to life under their hand.

"Don't tell me what to do." I growled back, just studying the control panel for a good five minutes until I was sure I knew I could pilot it. I've never seen such a complicated panel before, the new ones were all simplified, even for the large ships like this.

"To where?" It was their turn to ask and I thought for a while. I should go back to Atzerri to rescue Zennah, if Linza hasn't done it yet. But I needed to get a new magnetic stabilizer for my saber and maybe a few other things could've come handy to replace the battered parts before I used it in real combat.

"Sir?" They called out again, when I didn't reply for too long. The title took me by surprise.

"To Raxus Prime."

"The junkyard?"

I didn't reply, just got up and went to the back. I told myself that I would scavenge a stabilizer from any junkyards in the galaxy and then I'd get rid of this annoying fellow to go on my own. But first, I needed sleep, and most importantly - time alone.

This ship had a long corridor with many doors on each side, some of them open, some closed. It wasn't a big problem for me, I could mostly sense what was behind them. I felt eight bedrooms, two refreshers, and in the back a spacious place with a few boxes. Probably the cargo.

I went in there to find a ration pack, preferably with something fresher than the mushy ones which I lived off on Korriban.

I dug through the boxes, ripping open a pack that felt firm enough and I found some sort of dried meat in it. It smelled good so I retreated to one of the bedrooms which felt empty - the rest had things which felt like personal belongings. I had no interest in sleeping someone else's bed.

I sat on the regular grey sheets, eating right out of the pack. I thought I would need a good shower and then shave too, but not yet. Food and sleep first.

I threw the empty pack against the wall across out of spite, just to watch it fall and crumble on the floor. It was oddly satisfying, and my skin pulled painfully when my lips stretched into a grin.

I laid across the bed, letting the mattress pull me in until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, and I thought I heard some music before the darkness consumed me.


	10. in which I meet an old friend on the junkyard

It was definitely music, more accurately some sort of a stringed instrument and a bit nasal voice.

In the pilot seat a man sat, his feet bared and propped up on the panel. The ship was on autopilot.

He didn't even stop when I entered. His long fingers played on the chords of an oval instrument propped against his chest. He was around his early-thirties probably, his eyes dark and small, similar to Linza's features.

I sat down across him when he finally spared me a glance, watching him in a mix of curiosity and climb-down.

He finished the melody he played and cleared his throat to start a new song.

"When I arrived to Korriban, I met a boy in the valley of Sith, oh, he was an outcast." He stopped for a second, his charming smile dropping into a frown. "Were you an outcast?" He asked.

"I guess I am." I shrugged.

"Okay." He nodded and after a little thinking he started again. "When I arrived to Korriban, I met a boy in the Sith valley..."

"Valley of Sith." I corrected and he stopped.

"There isn't really many words that rhyme with Sith that I can think of, except one." He explained. "I don't want to be disrespectful. So..." He started the melody again. "When I arrived to Korriban, I met a boy in the Sith valley, oh he was an outcast, and I fell hopelessly."

He winked at me and I sighed.

"Do you like it?" He asked with a smile, still playing the strings.

"I can't decide yet." I said because I didn't want to tell him how embarrassed I felt, but I hoped he could see it.

He probably didn't, because he thought a little, then continued.

"Off Korriban, we set, behind us the sunset, he tells me to go to Raxus Prime, what a boy...oh my."

He stopped again, waiting for my opinion, and I tried to laugh it off awkwardly.

"Good enough."

"Right?" He grinned back. "My name is Ereb, he is..." He looked at me expectantly.

"Jedi Killer."

"...He is the Jedi Killer, he kills Jedi, and I admire him."

I couldn't miss how he pronounced _Jedi_ wrong for the rhyme and oddly it worked.

"You don't even know me." I insisted.

He tapped the chords, stopped playing and laid the instrument in his lap.

"I heard about you." He basically... purred. I was growing more and more uncomfortable with the situation. "You are quite famous among my friends."

I thought about the women again, fiddling with the end of my scarf. The silence set in, and I was a bit happy about it, even though it didn't last long.

He must've felt itchy when he didn't make any sounds because he grabbed the instrument again and started playing absently.

I looked outside, trying to identify the stars from the big blur, wondering how much time I've spent on Korriban when my hand got caught in my stubble as I scratched my chin.

"I need to shave." I announced, expecting him to tell me where I can find the tools for it.

"Why, I like it." He looked up grinning.

"I don't." I rolled my eyes. "Where can I find a razor?"

"There should be a pack in the refresher on the right. It's the second door."

"I know." I got up to follow his instructions. 

I was a bit curious about how I looked with facial hair. I never grew it out and I doubted I'd ever do again. But it couldn't be that bad, could it?

Well, it was that bad. What I felt as a patchy stubble was in fact a nicely developing beard with a perky moustache on top. My hair grew longer too, almost reaching under my chin.  
I refrained from giving out a horrified noise, but it still struck me. I wasn't exactly vain, but I looked about ten years older than I actually was. That much time surely couldn't pass while I was absent.

I dig through the cabinet under the sink, finding a plastic pack that contained a razor and a small can of shaving cream. I briefly wondered if that would be enough.

I vaguely remembered watching my father do it when I was a child. First he washed his face, then applied the cream and shaved with small moves, rinsing the blade every now and then.

I followed through, the razor pulling painfully on the hairs which were too long, but after a few minutes and a couple of cuts on my chin and cheeks, I looked almost like what I remembered.

I thought about cutting my hair too, but that was a far more difficult process and I couldn't find a scissors anyway. I wasn't sure what to do with the pack so I brought it back to the room I chose and threw it in one of the drawers of the built-in closet.

I returned to the cockpit with a ration pack, chewing on the dry meat. Ereb didn't look up, and if his fingers haven't played the strings, I would've thought he was asleep.

"Would you bring me one too?" He asked, meaning the food.

"No." I said simply, looking out of the window. It felt like we were going much slower than before, but when I checked the screen, it showed the same numbers.

"You are rude, you know?" He said after a little silence and I rolled my eyes.

"Just shut up."

He snorted and the melody stopped. "How would you feel if I said that?"

I knew the feeling, I heard it enough times.

"Boy, you can't be like that. You are so lovely, yet you... Stars! You cut yourself!"

I touched the side of my cheek and it indeed felt wet, apparently with blood. I shrugged.

"I had worse." I mumbled.

"You should've told me. I could've helped you." Ereb shook his head, leaning just a bit too close to me in his seat. "What I was telling you that you don't have to be rude to seem tough. I know you are tough."

His words hit something me and I almost felt touched. I couldn't really reply to that, so I just ate my food.

"I mean, stars, those things!" He continued. "When they surrounded me, I was craping, though I saw rough things... And they just ran off when they saw you."

"I tamed them." I shrugged again.

"Tamed? I don't know, boy, they didn't look like something that can be tamed."

"I did." I insisted, though I started doubting too. But that's what my Master told me so it had to be true.

We fell silent, no music this time, just the hum of the engine and the rattle of the ration pack.

Ereb was so much more different than Zennah or Linza. They were caring, yet still distant, while this man was friendly, maybe too friendly. Of course I didn't believe all the things he sang, but I was never actually told these before, and it made me feel special, if not entirely happy. I thought spending some time with him first could help me get used to being around people again.

"You should really bring me one of those though." He spoke up and I tossed the pack at him, almost angry.

I changed my mind. I didn't want to be around him. What more, I'd end him right now.

I grabbed my lightsaber and nothing happened. I couldn't bring myself to do it, to kill him like this. I suddenly remembered that Twi'lek girl from the bar in Mos Eisley, but why, I had no clue.

I shook it off and headed to the cargo area, deciding to practice a little with my lightsaber. I still had to get used to the vents going too close to my arm and the occasional sparks burning me. I reminded myself to get heat-protective clothes as soon as I can.

I ignited my lightsaber, trying to recall some of the techniques I learned in the Academy. It's been a while since I last consciously watched my steps, doing everything slowly, not out of muscle memory. 

I only sped up when my grip was steady on the hilt and I figured out how far I should hold the saber from myself not to burn my arm. I did one set of techniques to one side, then turned around and did them again. When I got bored and sweaty, so I decided to stop.

I returned to the refresher, taking a quick shower, gladly noting it was a water-based type. I washed my clothes too and threw them in the dried, sitting on the floor naked until I waited for them.

When I returned to the cockpit, Ereb was sitting just as a left him hours ago. The remains of the ration pack was set aside on the control panel and his eyes were closed.

Oddly, this time I could tell he wasn't sleeping, only thinking deeply. I shook my head and sat down, checking the state reports and noting that in a little time we'd reach Raxus Prime.

"Don't you want to sleep a little?" I asked softly and Ereb looked up in surprise.

"You can take care of this? Wake me up before landing."

I rolled my eyes, but agreed anyway, leaning back in the seat as he left.

 

-

The further we got from Korriban, the weaker the sun shone. I thought winter was on the way, but the temperature hadn't changed the slightest.  
I finally dared to go deeper in the lake. I rolled up my pants and dived in knee-deep, suddenly feeling as if I was pulled further by something.  
But I resisted and only watched as the golden fish gathered around my shins, trying to nibble on the skin and hairs. It wasn't painful, nor ticklish. I was numb, more than ever in my life.

-

 

"Boy, you shouldn't've sent me to sleep to fall asleep then."

Ereb voice startled and dragged me out of the vision. I rubbed my eyes once, twice, glaring out of the viewport.

We were in a dumpster, quite literally. Pile of rusted durasteel parts were towering around the craft, threatening to fall down in any second and crush us. The sky was grey with smoke, the air cold and tasting coppery if you breathed through your mouth.

"I wasn't sleeping. I meditated." I insisted, but the man didn't really pay attention to me. He was getting ready, putting on his helmet and so I returned to my cabin for my other belongings.

"Cover your face." He told me before we could've stepped out and I wrapped my scarf around my mouth and nose.

I almost slipped when I stepped out, the parts starting to crumble down under me. Whether I had luck or it was the Force, I could brace myself in time not to fall as well.

"Careful." Ereb said, his voice distorted by the helmet and I nodded, looking around how we could get off. The pile was too steep on this side, but the other side seemed more walkable.

"What are we looking for, by the way?" He asked as I led the way down to the yellowish brook that cut through the hills.

"A magnetic stabilizer. For my lightsaber."

We jumped over the acidic fluid and climbed the next hill, finding a quite solid step on top of it.

Just when were about to slide down from here too, a scavenger ship appeared about two hills ahead of us. There were four Rodians on the levitating platform, immediately starting to fire when they spotted us.

"Get down!" Ereb yelled when I ignited my lightsaber to block the blaster bolts. At least my reflexes were still flawless.

"Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" One of the Rodians yelled in their own language and indeed, they soon stopped and the ship got closer until the male who commanded, got off on the step where I was.

"It's the Jedi Killer!" His odd features arranged into something that probably meant happiness. "Do you remember me?"

It wasn't that hard to figure it out, there weren't that much Rodians in the galaxy who knew me by that name.

I wasn't even half as happy to see Olu again.

"Of course. From Formos." I nodded.

"You are not injured?" He asked and grabbed my shoulder, making me cringe. "Or your friend?"

"We are fine." I assured him, shrugging off his hand. Then I remembered something. "How is your kid... kids?"

"Nah, my girl skipped Nar Shaddaa with another fellow before I was let go." He shrugged, then reached into a small pack on his belt. "But they gave it to me."  
It was my old lightsaber.

I took it, but the once familiar touch felt almost unfriendly now. I briefly wondered why they gave it to Olu and not me, or why did they even give it away. Lightsabers were highly valued even among non-Force users.

"What about my ship?" I asked, just out of curiosity.

"Uh, well, it stayed there..." Olu said and I knew he was lying, but there was no point in arguing about it.

"Never mind. I got what I needed." I turned to Ereb who was standing close, and even with the helmet on, I could tell he was studying the Rodian suspiciously. "We can go."

He nodded and turned to head back.

"We are fine, right?" Olu asked, offering a hand to shake, which I accepted, because I didn't know whether rejection would anger him, but I still wished I had gloves on.

"Take care, Jedi Killer." He said, going back to his own ship, but he turned back halfway. "And don't come to Raxus Prime again, if possible."

"I won't." I promised sincerely, not even planning on ever setting my foot on this floating junkyard again.

I followed Ereb back to our ship, my old lightsaber clipped on my left side. We were both careful this time and got back safely to the ship.

"You really like aliens, huh?" He asked once we were shooting through the galaxy again.

He sat in the pilot seat and I sat in the last row of the passenger benches, trying to focus on combining the two sabers together, but something kept colliding and throwing off the whole thing. As if the parts of the old weapon resisted the power of a Sith-origined crystal.

"I'm not." I snapped, starting to become very frustrated. I let the parts clatter on the floor and stood up to walk around for a little.

When I regained my calm I collected the parts and sat down again. The majority of the old saber was left in my cabin, I thought I could sell the crystal and the hilt on the market, and I only took out the necessary ones.

I breathed deeply, closing my eyes to focus on the task ahead. I felt the parts levitating around me, slowly being arranged in a line and attached to each other until the complete saber laid in front of me.

I picked it up, examining closely if there were any more mistakes to be adjusted, but it all seemed fine. If it works too, I'll never bother to build a saber ever again. It took way too much out of me.

I ignited it and the blade was much steadier now, apart from a few sparks which was caused by the crack on the crystal, or at least, I assumed. I took a few practice swings and when I was satisfied with it, I put it out again.

"It looks dangerous." Ereb spoke up and I just noticed he's been watching me for a few minutes now. Somehow it made me feel uncomfortable.

"It is." I said, attaching it to my belt and going to sit down in the co-pilot seat. "But it works. We can go to Atzerri now."


	11. in which more than I would have expected is revealed about my companions

It was almost dawn when we reached Atzerri. I was waken by Ereb shaking me before I could've completely slide off the seat and I was a bit embarrassed for letting down my guard like that.

We landed on the shore, and Ereb said he was able to track down Linza and Zennah in the slums nearby.

So we were climbing narrow stairs, peeking in through broken windows and changing route every now and then when we were about to bump into a gang. Even though Ereb claimed to know this part of Talos, I was the one navigating, using the Force as my guide.

By the time the sky started to lighten, we found the building where the women hid.

"You go in." Ereb stopped in the door, refusing to move any further, causing me to become slightly anxious about the upcoming meeting.

But I stepped in anyway, waiting until my eyes got used to the dark.

I was in a long hall, the end of it cut off by a collided wall. It smelled like mold and something else I couldn't identify, and I had to stop myself from gagging.

I checked each door, feeling through them with the Force. There were people lying in the rooms, some are alive and some are... not so alive.

The whole place felt like a nest of diseases, and I was on the verge of starting to panic when I finally felt two familiar presences behind the fourth door.  
I was expecting everything, but not what I saw.

Linza sat on the floor, her back against the wall, and she cradled Zennah in her lap. Her eyes were literally gleaming through the darkness and she held her rifle with one hand, ready to shoot the intruder - me.

I wasn't sure whether she recognized me, so I quickly signed her whatever I still remembered, but she set the weapon aside immediately and shook Zennah to wake her up.

When the ginger woman sat up and turned to me, I could hardly recognize her. She must've been beaten badly, her lips were split and she had a swelling black eye on the right.

"You!" She whispered weakly, but I had no problem hearing it. "You are back."

I couldn't keep away any longer and I ran up to them, crawling on my knees for the last few steps just to let her wrap me in her weak arms sooner.

"Why you not on Korriban?" I heard the question, muffled against my shoulder, and first I didn't know what to reply.

"I came back for you." I said finally, feeling a sting of guilt for the lie, but it made her hold me even tighter.

"You should not have." She said after a while, letting go of me. "Linza took care."

I wasn't so sure about it, though I nodded towards the other woman, but she wasn't paying attention to our conversation. Clearly something happened to her too which had no clear physical signs.

"We can go...now." I wanted to say _home_ , but I stopped just in time. "Ereb is here too."

Something changed in Zennah's eyes too, she went from tired and injured to vary and almost ready to fight.

"Ereb?" She asked back, then turned to Linza, signing something. 

The younger woman reacted the same, her eyes going wide before narrowing into a cold frown and she stood up, almost storming out of the room. I couldn't help but notice she was limping.

"What..." I started, but Zennah already put an arm on my shoulder, adjusting her position.

"Help me up." 

I stood up, pulling her easily and helping her go after Linza outside.

The sun was almost out above the mountains surrounding the city, the darkness changing into a lingering grey mist on the streets.

Ereb was pressed against the wall of the house, his hands held up and Linza pressing her rifle against his chest.

"Tell him to stop!" He yelled at me, and I looked at Zennah in confusion. She got off me, leaning to the wall, so I could stand between the two of them, pushing Linza away.

" _What is it?_ " I signed and she signed something back that I didn't understand, but Ereb did, gasping loudly.

"Oh, you didn't...!" He started signing furiously and I saw it better to step away.

"What did she say?" I inched over to Zennah, who was frowning at the pair, but there was a little smile in the corner of her lips.

"She called him _fucker_." She explained smugly. "Siblings..."

_Oh._

I looked at them again, jumping in when Linza was about to press her weapon against Ereb again.

"They are siblings?" I asked. It was hard to believe.

Zennah nodded.

"Shouldn't I stop them maybe?" 

"They always do this when they meet." She shrugged. "Give them a little time. Till then we can go to the ship."

I took her reaching arm, letting her put her weight on me and I helped her taking the stairs down the street. We were going slowly, so Ereb and Linza caught up soon, and though I couldn't see them, I knew they were still arguing.

On altered routes we reached the shore just in time to see the sun completely part from the endless water and rise with its red glory. There were some breathtaking experiences in my past life, but this was definitely one of the best, those rare moments when I felt at ease again.

"We can take a dip." Ereb offered and I didn't even hear when he stepped next to me and Zennah, the soft sand muffling every steps.

"Sure. Just let's take care of them first."

I helped Zennah in the ship, and at her instructions I went to search for bacta. Back in the Academy we learned the basics of healing with the Force, but I've always been unsure about, especially now with my newfound links to the Dark. I didn't want to do any harm.

But Zennah didn't really need my help, she clearly knew what she had to do. She took care of Linza first and I couldn't help but notice the gentle touches as she wrapped the younger woman's ankle. A sprain from when they escaped the prison, she explained and I wondered how many days she spent like this. It must've felt like hell.

After that Zennah announced that she would help on herself in her private chambers since her injuries involved some of her more vulnerable parts. Linza helped her to one of the rooms on the corridor and I was left alone with Ereb again who just shot a meaningful look towards the closed door.

"So, what do you think about swimming?" He finally turned to me.

"Sure." I said and I already knew I would regret it, but I had no clue if I could travel to the ocean ever again.

Ereb wasn't a shy type, he stripped naked right away. As much as I could tell, he had a decent body with defined muscles, especially his back, and a prosthetic leg from his left knee down, but I couldn't see more of him before he dived in the waves.

I was much slower, cherishing every moment. The morning was chilly without clothes, so I peeled back layer by layer, always waiting a little to adjust to the temperature until I had nothing on but my underwear. In no way I'd show myself around, especially to Ereb.

I took two steps back, just enjoying my toes digging into the sand before I darted out. I ran as fast as I could on such a short distance, the cold wind stinging my eyes and burning my lungs. I felt free.

The water was freezing, but I didn't back out. I screamed in the shock though, and squeezed my eyes shut when the waves clashed above my head. It tasted salty and a bit bitter, but not entirely unpleasant.

I came to the surface, smoothing the hairs out that stick to my face and rubbed my numbing cheeks. I couldn't see Ereb, only the splashes he left behind as he swam.   
I walked further in until the waves were hitting my chest, then I pushed myself from the bedding and dived under again. I haven't swam in a while, but I practiced a lot on Yavin IV, so it wasn't something I could forget easily.

I was much faster than Ereb, so soon I caught up with him and even without saying another word to each other we started competing, pushing each other's limits.

After a while, he started to slow down. First I enjoyed my advantage, but soon I realized he stopped on purpose

"Hey!" I stopped and turned around, waving for him. "I've beaten you!"

"Let's go back!" He yelled back, and I nodded, starting to swim back. I was getting too cold and we didn’t have that much time to fool around.

Every time I dipped under I thought I saw something black move about two or three meters under me, turning and twisting, but when I came up for air, I couldn't see it.

"Something was down there." I said, a bit out of breath when I finally reached Ereb. Our feet almost touched the bedding.

"I know, I saw it too." He nodded. "Let's go outside."

It was ridiculous, that odd tightening in my throat at his words. We weren’t too much in a rush to get to the shore, but my heart was pounding, and it wasn’t because of the exercising. It couldn’t be.

We didn’t leave immediately. Ereb sat down where the water could still lap his legs and I stood in a polite distance from him, trying not to look at him while I was squeezing the water about of my hair as much as I could.

I sat down with my knees pulled up. The air didn’t feel as cold anymore and the sun was drying us quickly, even through the few grey clouds. 

“It’s nice though.” Ereb spoke up finally and I made the mistake of glancing up at him, forgetting he was still naked.

“What?” I asked, pressing my forehead to my knees and trying to erase the image from my mind. 

He laughed and I heard the wet sand jarring under him and he moved.

“Being like this. Don’t you think, huh?”

When I looked up again, he wasn’t sitting next to me, but he was at his pile, putting on his clothes. I didn’t feel dry enough yet, so I didn’t follow him.

“I don’t know.” I shrugged, but I did know; I liked being unattached, but not lost. And without clear destination, I felt a bit lost now.

Ereb snorted, and came back to me as he buttoned his outer robe up on his chest. He must’ve been still wet too, the fabric clinging to his chest damp.

“I want to introduce you to someone.” He said ceremoniously, but somehow it didn’t make me feel any more excited or happy. 

“Who?” I frowned.

“You’ll see. Just come.” He went back to pull on his boots, and I dressed quickly to follow him back in the ship.

He didn’t tell me more than that. He piloted silently, and I helped him until we left the system, and after that I retreated to the refresher to wash my underwear, because the salty water made the fabric harden, and if I was there anyway, I thought a shower couldn’t hurt either.

Clean and warm again, I lay down on my bed, trying to fall asleep to the muffled sound of Ereb’s instrument. He didn’t sing this time, but I recognized the tune of the song he wrote about me and oddly, it was calming.

 

-

 

My lake had no dark monsters lurking in the depth. My lake was clear, the vision was free of any living creatures apart from the fish and me, but there was something in the air. Not quite a scent or a presence, but more like when humidity rises before the storm.

There were no clouds and nothing moved.

 

-

 

Even half asleep, I could sense something was off. I forced myself awake, willed my whole body to jerk and sit up, stand up, move. I put on a few clothes and walked out to the cockpit.

They were sitting around, signing too fast to pick up anything from them. The air was tense, making my skin itchy and I wanted to go back, but Zennah saw me, and as if to a signal, they stopped talking.

"I don't want to bother..." I started and Zennah shook her head.

"You don't. Come." She patted the seat next to her, and I sat down. "We were discussing the plan." She explained softly, and for a second, I heard my mother in her. Maybe if I closed my eyes, I could pretend I was on the Falcon.

"Ereb wants to show you to someone, but I don't agree, nor does Linza."

"I know, he told me." I glanced at Ereb, but he avoided my eyes, looking down on the instrument in his lap. "I'm ready."

"Heard that? He's ready." Ereb murmured. "You haven't seen him _there_."

Zennah sighed, raising a hand, and for a second I couldn't decide whether she will hug me or hit me.

But in fact she just rubbed her forehead.

"Fine." She said and turned to Linza, probably to explain what we said, and I was a little bit envious, wishing someone told me too what it was all about.

"This is why I don't travel with you." She murmured and now Ereb looked up with a grin, watching the women leave. None of them limped anymore.

"You're gonna like him." Ereb spoke up finally.

"Who?" I asked, my suspicion starting to rise. Maybe it wasn't clever to agree to Ereb's plan.

"A friend of mine." He said briefly. "He's on the Outer Rim now, but I couldn't track him yet."

I nodded and I moved to the seat by him, looking over the screens. Most of them were black as they were out of use without the hyperdrive on, only our radar and the map working. We were idling.

"How are you tracking people?" I asked, simply curious about the method.

"Well, not with the Force." His fingers stopped flying on the keys just to shoot me a cheeky grin. "We use trackers. I guess it comes from the Empire's customs, we wore them back then too."

"You served under the Empire?" I frowned, quickly counting. Ereb couldn't have been older than ten or eleven maybe.

"Not exactly serving." He explained. "But I was a cadet on Arkanis. I was on my first fieldwork when the Rebels... you know." He shrugged. "After that no one really bothered to come and pick up a few lieutenant wannabes."

"I see." I swallowed because my throat suddenly felt dry. I wondered if Ereb knew where I was from. "But you survived." I was quick to point out.

"I survived!" He laughed and now he seemed proud. "Though my left leg is not quite the same since then." He patted his knee where the prosthetic started.

"And after that?" I asked, and it wasn't only politeness speaking from me.

"I was a skilled shooter, so I went rogue, staying mostly on the Outer Rim. I didn't know how rough the sanctions were or whether Linza was alive and where. Then..." Suddenly he stilled, frowning at the screen. "Gotcha, baby." He murmured and reached to start the engine. "Fasten your seatbelt."

I didn't do so, but instead I helped him, almost feeling the engines warm even though they were at the back of the ship. I was having odd feelings lately.

"Then what happened?" I asked, when he put the ship on autopilot and stood up to stretch.

"Huh? Oh, you mean my life? Then the Supreme Leader recruited me with the promise that he knew where Linza was. And he didn't lie."

I hummed, fiddling with the hem of my shirt. I was slowly putting it together, who these people were and why my Master sent them to help me. Or I thought so.

"And what about Linza?" I asked when I finally worked up the courage and I hoped Ereb was still in a sharing mood. "What happened to her, uh, hearing?"

"I don't know." He shook his head. "She wasn't born like this and when I met her again, she barely recognized me." 

He stared out for a while and I thought he finished, when he spoke up again. I remembered that empty gaze she gave me back in the house.

"We invented a language, based on other sign languages. It was like our little code." He smiled fondly, but I saw something shining sadly in his eyes. "But...it wasn’t quite the same. You know what the worst is?" His voice broke. "She used to sing a lot, and now..."

He fell silent and I swallowed, nodding.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, but he shook his head.

"Don't be. It can't be helped." He smiled at me reassuringly, but I knew, I _felt_ he was blaming himself. He wished he could've saved Linza from whatever happened to her.

We both fell silent, dwelling on what was just said, and I stared ahead at the screen while Ereb picked up his instrument again, playing softly.

I stirred only when I spotted a quite big dot, not too far from us, closing rapidly. I was just about to show it to Ereb, when the whole ship shook and suddenly stopped as if it was frozen in place.

"What is it?" I frowned, watching as Ereb's eyes narrowed and he set his instrument against the leg of his seat, picking up his helmet instead.

"It's better if you go to your cabin now."

I didn't want to blindly oblige, but before I could ask why, the women entered the cockpit and Linza nudged me out of the seat.

“Go!” He said again, letting Zennah take over his place too, and I had no other choice, but leaving.


	12. in which I found myself alone in a crowd

I locked the door and started dressing as fast as I could. I heard voices from outside, from above, even through the soundproof walls, but I couldn't make out who they were or what they said.

The ship shook again and I almost dropped my lightsaber as I was trying to clip it on my belt. My throat went dry as I heard the voices from closer.

Men, they were definitely a group of men and they spoke in Basic. As much as I could understand, they gave orders and discussed tactics.

I braced myself and the door opened, two troopers pressing inside, revealing a couple more waiting outside.

"Surrender." They pressed their blasters against me from both sides and I saw it better to let them. I could kill only a few of them before getting shot, and it wasn't really worth it. I handed my lightsaber over and clasped my fingers at the nape of my neck.

The voices didn't stop. By the time I was led out of our ship to a hangar, I was sure it couldn't be the troopers.

This place was some sort of a military base, maybe a mother ship, and based on its size I assumed it was a star destroyer. In front of me Zennah was led by another group of soldiers, but she had no blaster barrels digging into her flesh.

As we turned to a corridor, the voices became louder. If I had any hope to understand what they were talking about, it was gone now; it felt like thousands of people talking at the same time, men, women... even children.

An elevator took us up, or at least it felt we were going upwards. In a ship this big, it was hard to tell, especially since when we stepped out, we were in an identical corridor.

By the time we reached our destination, my head was spinning and starting to throb with pain. The trooper on my right had to shove me inside the room, and push me on a chair next to an oval table.

I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead to the cool surface, hoping to find some relief.

"I kindly ask you to pay attention to me now." A woman snapped over the noise in my head, not too kindly.

I jumped in surprise but looked up, blinking twice before my view focused on the woman at one end of the table.

She was standing with her back straight, her arms clasped behind her back as if she was bound. She wasn't particularly pretty, with her dark hair pulled back into a neat bun and a few lines starting to appear between her overly thin eyebrows from frowning too much. She reminded me of that rare breed of hairless cats.

"I am General Viveca Ruth of the First Order. You have invaded the Order's territory on the Outer Rim, so we placed your ship under lockdown. However..." She looked over us as if she was trying to recall something and I followed her glare, noting that there were two more masked figures, apart from the three I already knew.

Her eyes settled on Ereb. "I believe we've met before, Lord Ren." She nodded and the man raised from his seat, probably to speak but she held up her hand. "I'm not finished." She said. "We weren't informed about your early arrival, but of course we refrained from serious harassment."

I thought about the blasters pointed at me and I would've snorted if it weren't already too hard enough to focus.

"Naturally, I informed the Supreme Leader and he gave me details about a...mission, which I will delineate in a second." Her eyes suddenly shifted to me and I felt like she burned holes into my chest. Honey-brown never felt colder before.

"I believe he is not the member of your company, am I right?" She asked, turning back to Ereb quickly. 

It was just a tad bit infuriating how she didn't talk to me directly as if I couldn't reply.

"No, indeed. He's the Supreme Leader's apprentice."

General Ruth's frown finally softened, only to raise her eyebrows.

"He didn't tell me he had an apprentice. Unfortunately it doesn't change our rules. I don't have the permission to let him know the details." She pressed a button on a panel on her side of the table. "I request the guards." She said and two troopers stepped in. I thought they were the same who brought me, but it was hard to tell with their armors the same.

"Take him to questioning to Lieutenant Hux. I'll be right there." She said and one of the troops literally scooped me up from the chair. I looked at Zennah, then Linza and finally Ereb, silently pleading them not to let them take me, but they didn't even make a sound.

"Stand on your feet." They snapped at me when we were outside of the room.

My knees were weak, my whole body achingly tired from the constant noise in my head, even though it started to fade a little. With a barrel pressed against the small of my back I was motivated to move forward.

I was taken down with a different elevator, but it didn't matter much to me, this ship looked the same everywhere. I was barely seeing anymore, my feet carrying me and the troopers guiding me with harsh jabs.

The noises faded to almost silence and I found myself in a chair, my hands cuffed together. I must've passed out because I didn't remember the young man entering the room.  
He carried the same posture as the woman, except his uniform was more of a grey tone rather than black. His ginger hair was almost too flashy against his fair skin and hollow cheeks, making him look constant tired and if General Ruth was a hairless cat, then this lieutenant was her slightly-better looking kitten. I wondered if they were related.

"You don't look like you need any more convincing to speak."

He looked me through with the same cold and ever-seeing glare and I dropped my head back on the table. It was silent now as if everything got cut, but the pain lingered.

The man sat down across me with a datapad, tapping on it for a while before he looked up with an almost ceremonious expression.

"I'm Lieutenant Hux and I was assigned by General Ruth to question you."

I nodded weakly and he continued.

"I'm going to read the data we have about you in our archive and you have to confirm. Understood?"

I nodded again, he cleared his throat and started.

"Named Ben Solo, former Jedi apprentice. Yes or no?"

I hesitated a little but I didn't know better so I confirmed.

"Born on Yavin IV, on the Outer Rim, in 1 ABY. Yes or no?"

"I wasn't..." I started, but my voice was weak so I had to clear my throat. "I wasn't born on Yavin."

He glanced up and tapped something on the datapad.

"Then where?" His voice was expectant, but I couldn't give more reply than a shrug.

He wrinkled his nose in pity and disgust, but didn't comment.

He probably edited the data, because he typed fast and a lot. I sit silently, only keeping my eyes open enough to see him.

"Traveled with the Knights of Ren, an order founded by Supreme Leader Snoke. Yes or no?"

I nodded again, though all these details were new for me.

"Are you a member of this order? Do you have any relation to them? Yes or no?"

"I don't know..." I murmured. "I wasn't told... I don't think... No."

"No?" He asked and my sight blurred for a second. "Are you sure?"

"I... Sure. Yes. My answer is no." I was quick to nod and he typed again, but didn't miss to give me a suspicious glance.

"I'd like to remind you we will check every information you give us." He shifted in his seat. "So answer accordingly."

I nodded, my neck slowly starting to cramp, but I still tried to keep my head up.

"So you claim you have no ties to this group and you were only travelling with them?"

"Yes." I sighed. "Why are you treating me as a criminal?"

"Because you could easily be one. A spy." He said, setting the datapad down for a second, but I couldn't read anything he typed so far.

"From the Resistance? That's ridiculous." I snorted.

"It's not me or you who will decide it." He said in an almost reassuring tone. "Now, back to my questions... Lord Ereb claimed that you are Supreme Leader Snoke's apprentice. Is it true? Yes or no."

"I am. Yes." 

"Are you training to be a Sith?" His pale eyes narrowed and I had the feeling this wasn't an official question.

"Sort of?" I shrugged, not knowing which would be worse, if I admitted or not.

"Fascinating." He murmured and typed some more. 

I rested my head back on the table, starting to hate how vulnerable it made me feel.

"So you are Force-sensitive?" The lieutenant stated but there was a hint of question in his voice which made me snort.

"No, I just pretend."

My sarcasm earned me another one of that stabbing glare and I couldn't keep eye contact for long.

But he didn't ask any more questions and I could rest a little. I had no clue how, but in this room, I heard no voices in my head. By now I figured out it must've been something coming through the Force, but how and what, I had no clue.

The door opened and the lieutenant stood up. I could only force myself to look up and I saw that woman walk in with long determined steps.

"General Ruth, I questioned the captive according to the archive." The man reported and all I could think about a kitten rubbing up to his owner's leg in hope of a snack.

"Very good, lieutenant. Wait outside now." She said in a flat tone, taking the datapad and I thought I saw a little pout on the man's lips. It almost made me smile.

The man left and Ruth took the seat across, setting the datapad aside immediately.

"Focus on me now, because I won't repeat myself." She leaned forward, almost whispering. I lifted my head, nodding to her that she can continue.

"The Supreme Leader just contacted us and sent me this." She slid over a tiny chip card. "We'll proved you an unmarked craft with enough rations for a month. In exchange your task is to keep it secret and accomplish the mission on the chip. Am I clear?"

I frowned a little as I watched the woman, a glint of distress in her eyes, but it passed as soon as it came. It made me feel as if she had made a grave mistake and this was her last attempt to fix it.

"Of course." I nodded and pulled the chip into my palm. It was barely bigger than my thumbnail and as thin as a strand of hair. Whatever it contained, the chip itself was made to be destroyed after use.

"Good. Come now." She stood up and walked over to me. I tried to stand up as fast as I could, but my head was still spinning and feeling a bit too heavy.

Ruth lined up my handcuffs and held the sleeve of her uniform over it. There must've been a magnet card sewn into it, because the cuffs fell off and I could shake my hands free.

"Lieutenant, escort the captive to hangar A-01 as fast as possible." She opened the door and I was hit in the chest by the voices again, louder than before. 

The ginger man saluted and waited until I stumbled out of the room.

"Keep up, we have no time to waste." He said and strode down the corridor with his long steps. I pressed both my hands on my ears, finding walking easier this way and I could almost catch up with him.

A-01 was the main hangar, giving space to the commanders' ships and welcoming the most important visitors. I couldn't help but feel a little bit smug when we were striding down between the parked and prepared ships. I came here restricted and arrested and I was about to leave as the biggest hotshot.

The craft I was led to was indeed unmarked and small enough to maneuver with a single pilot. I could only hope it was untracked as well. The lieutenant and I stood side by side as the mechanics made the finishing moves in the preparation.

"My lightsaber..." I started, turning to the man, trying to talk over the riot in my head. "I'm not leaving without my lightsaber."

Reluctantly, but the man nodded and grabbed the first mechanic who passed him, sending her to General Ruth. I watched her jog out of the hangar, wondering if she would be capable to deliver my weapon safely.

She didn't, but Ruth did. Whatever lurch I saw on her in the cell wasn't shown this time, but when she handed over my saber she looked like as if she just gave me her last token of her authority.

I took it and clipped it on my belt, where it belonged, before climbing into the ship, sitting down in the pilot seat.

I had no clue how I would take off in this condition, with my head filled with uproar and my whole body aching. I turned the engines on, feeling the screens flickering awake even with my eyes squeezed shut. Something pinged, probably the permission to leave, but I didn't bother to check it. Piloting was in my blood and it didn't make much difference if I saw what I was doing or just felt it.

The voices faded slowly, some lingering longer, for minutes after I left the star destroyer, but eventually it was silence again.

I knew I had to check the chip as soon as I was alone. I knew I had to start to act according to the orders. But I didn't. I wanted to enjoy every last minute of being on my own again.

Leaving the First Order's territory at the speed of light, my radar gave no sign of anyone around. It was only me.

 

-

 

The sun was higher now. First I thought It was dawn, but later I realized it always shone from that side, only sliding upper or lower above the mountains, but never reaching its peak or disappearing completely.

There was no wind. The lake's surface was smooth like a mirror, only the fish leaving soft circular waves whenever they came up. I didn't dip this time, only watched them as I sat by, trying to count them, but they were all identical. I guess a new generation hatched while I was away, because there seemed to be more of them.

The peace was alarming. I grew restless, had to stand up, had to walk around and pick up pebbles to toss them into the water while I scanned the mountains.

The fact that I couldn't possibly leave this valley nor shape it with my will wasn't what bothered me. In fact, I was so used to the real problem, that I needed the drastic change of environment to realize it.

Someone was watching me.


	13. in which I stressed too much over the mission

Constant beeping woke me. I rubbed my face and stretched, looking outside to see the asteroid belt of a planet I didn't know.

But the alert sounds came from the ship's communicator. Opening the inbox, I found several messages with unregistered identifiers, but as I ran through some of them, it became clear they were from the Knights of Ren, as the ginger lieutenant referred to them. They were mostly asking where I was heading and wishing me good luck.

I was touched, really. From their point of view I couldn't be more than a clumsy youngster who travelled with them for a few weeks, no matter how much Zennah and Linza cared or how impressed Ereb was when he found me on Korriban.

I had no clue how to reply to them or if I was allowed. Instead I pulled out the chip and spent a good five minutes trying to find the input slit.

A holomap flicked on in front of me, and I immediately recognized Corellia, having been there for a few times in my childhood. I supposed there were more on the chip, so I skipped the map.

My feelings didn't lie, I found a lengthy description of the mission.

According to it, there was a good reason why I haven't found Darth Vader's remains on Endor. Not long after he was buried someone reopened the tomb, taking whatever they found. Later the remains were taken to the Coronet City market where a retired Imperial officer bought it. Now he was tracked down and my task was to find his village and get the remains.

Given that this information was highly sensitive and the mission was a secret, my final task was clear. Destroy the chip, leave no traces and kill every witnesses.

I only noticed how heavy my breathing was when I finished reading. As if the mission ahead was already pressing down on my chest and my collar felt tighter than before.

I didn't destroy the chip. I typed in the coordinates, letting the auto-pilot take the lead, but I left the description on display to read it over and over again, a constant reminder.

I told myself I wasn't opposed to killing anyone. I've killed before, innocents, children and adults alike, my schoolmates. Every day I spent away I murdered my family a little. I was once afraid of death and now I delivered it to those who crossed my path.

Yet it was frightening, and I know, this was the stake of the mission. What happened in the Academy wasn't really me. My hand was guided, the task planned and laid out for me, second to second. I prepared my mind and steeled my soul, so when the time came I didn't have to be there.

I was underwater, deep in cold, clear water, seeing golden blurs and feeling that the surface was boiling. Whenever I wanted to come up, something pushed me back down. It was as if I was running out of breath, I was at my very limit, but I didn't die.

This mission was different. I couldn't know who I would meet, what they would say and how I would kill them. Uncertainty killed my confidence and shattered that little safety I gained around the Knights.

It was only me again, no strange presence around me, no feeling of being stalked. I decided I needed a break from my thoughts, so I stood up, stretching and moving my joints around to warm up a little.

I moved to the small cargo room, the only separated place in the ship apart from the refresher. In some ways, I was prisoned at the end, even if only till I reached Corellia.

The supply was more than enough for the way and back; and I hoped I didn't have to spend so much time there too, the memories already hurting. Two weeks at most.  
I spent more time going through the boxes than I would've needed since all of them were labelled, but I had to do something to busy my hands with, if my mind couldn't be distracted.

For some reason I thought back to my first day in the Academy. I was barely eight, already too old and still crying that I didn't want to be trained. My parents, but mostly just my mother sometimes visited me. Every time I had to wait a little bit longer, and when I first told Luke about the voice in my head, she never came again for many years. I soon learned to pretend in hope I'd be free of constant monitoring. Luke was always discreet about it, but I was never fooled.

Now I felt the same desperation, the need to earn my Master's belief in me. I returned to the cockpit, running through all of the screens, hoping there was a small malfunction, anything that would give me something to do.

The screens were empty and there was nothing that could've delay me. I tried sleeping, but my breathing was too ragged and every time I started slipping into a slumber, I had a strange feeling of suffocating until I didn't even dare to close my eyes.

I read the Knights' messages over and over again, wondering why they bothered to text me, why they cared about more than that was necessary. If I had been in their place, I wouldn't have been so helpful.

When I could recall the messages without even looking at them, I started reading the holo instead, learning the description word by word, and when I was done with that too, I studied the map, wondering where I should start.

It would be best if I tried at Coronet City first. It's been years, but maybe someone knew where the officer lived, or at least give me the generic directions. I didn't think there were many imperial officers hiding on Corellia.

I felt like I was slightly calmer now, so I leaned back trying to sleep again.

 

The waves of my lake clashed above me, an invisible vortex pulling me down until my back hit the bedding, as if I fell a long way down.

I was underwater. It didn't take long until I realized it wasn't a vision, more like a dream, a memory of something that had happened before. The feeling was too familiar.

I tried to kick myself upwards, and this time there was nothing to stop me. As I got closer to the surface, flickering lights and muffled screams hit me, and I didn't dare to come out.

Outside, there wasn't my valley anymore. It was a desert-looking flat with very few, bare trees. In the distance something, probably houses, burned, smelling like melting plastic and ashes.

The sun was just rising, illuminating the scene just enough to recognize the panicked crowd, trying to flee from a dark figure.  
And in his hand I recognized my lightsaber.

He towered over a boy, raising the weapon to strike down, immediately cutting off the child's scream. I dived deeper to hide my mouth underwater to keep from yelling, not knowing whether he could hear me or not.

He turned from the boy's body, looking for his next victim. He moved slow, but unstoppable, his long robes swirling around his leg and even though I was scared, I was still in awe. The raw power that radiated from the figure was paralyzing.

I did something that caught his attention. He turned from the woman who he held in his grip, her head already falling to the side and when he dropped her, she didn't even make a noise. But she wasn't dead yet, I could feel it.

He saw me even though I was deep in the water. He swinged the saber and started walking towards me, not even reacting when the water was slowly reaching his knees.

I wanted to dive under, run, swim, escape, but again, I found my body cold and immovable, only able to trash around like a dying fish.

He was taller than me, much taller. He closed to me and gripped the collar of my shirt, lifting me with ease until we were face to face.

I saw my own scared reflection.

It was me, he was me. Older though, dark shadows under his eyes and hollower cheeks, but it was me, beyond doubt.

"Please." I chocked holding onto his arm that held me, and his lips mimicked my words voicelessly before speaking up on his own.

"I'm... you're not ready to see this." He said, and I saw the tears in his eyes which were forming in my owns from the lack of air.

"Please..." I tried again, weaker and he dropped me back. I tried to catch my breath, but a rough hand fisted my hair and pushed me under forcefully.

Then I passed out.

 

My chest felt tight to the point where I felt like I can't breathe. I stumbled to the refresher, bracing myself against the sink, but my knees weren't holding me up.

It was just a dream, I told myself. It wasn't a vision of the future through the Force, because I was there as I am now, not only a spectator.

No, it was a dream. I thought too much of the past that it merged with the present and the pressure of the mission turned it into something awful.

I sat on the floor for minutes. I didn't sob this time, and I was proud of it. My cheeks were dry and cold, like my hands and my whole body, making my teeth clatter.

Another alert sound screamed through the craft and I knew it was time to get up. I avoided looking at myself in the mirror as I washed my face, scared that I'd see the older me.  
The cockpit felt warmer now. I did a quick check-up on my position and checked the message I was notified about.

A call for help.

I frowned at the coordinates given in the message. It wasn't too far from me, but my radar showed nothing nearby and when I typed in the exact numbers, I got a blank screen.

Another distress signal came in from the same place, but this time I turned it off. I couldn't help a ship that was most likely very well concealed (if it even existed) from my radars. My guilt wasn't stronger than my sense of duty and the suspicion that it was a trap.

I didn't even reply, not wanting to reveal my state, instead altered my route a little to get far enough not to catch any signals. 

Corellia was only half a day away.


	14. in which I explore Corellia’s capital for more information, and eventually set on a journey to the wild

Coronet City grew at least twice its size since my last visit. Though I recognized some of the streets, the main square had changed completely. The statue which was only on the plotting table when I was five years old, now stood tall, reaching for the greying sky. _For the heroes who died for freedom, and for those who lived to see it_ said the carving on the plinth, and as I looked over the bronze-coloured hands reaching towards the sky like a drowning crowd, I shivered.

I forced myself to look away and move on, pulling my hood lower. I let the passer-bys lead me, hoping to find the market, since it wasn't where I remembered.

I wasn't hungry, but when I came across the first few stalls and saw the fresh, colourful fruits on display, and a tall Togruta chopping the red meat of some mammal I couldn't identify, I thought I could try cooking something on my own. Linza was a good teacher in her own way, and for once I actually felt confident about my skills.

But I didn't have any credits and my ship was full of supplies anyway. So I moved on, standing on tiptoes to see what was ahead.

I knew I had to find someone who was old enough to tell me about the Imperial officer, but I was constantly distracted by the crowd around me, the food, the scents and colours, much like as a child. The noises weren't as disturbing as they were on the star destroyer; they were out of my head, having a physical source and fading when I walked past them.

Eventually I decided to stop, leaning against a building which bordered the market square. For a few seconds I just watched the crowd pulsing and flowing, swirling around the stalls. I thought I heard music from the distance, but just faintly and only for a few minutes.

When I decided to continue my way, pushing my way back into the crowd, it parted easily, letting me in and then closed around me. It was like a protective blanket.

Again, I went with the flow, glad that I was a bit taller than average, so I could look around above their heads if I tiptoed a little. The market was such a pleasant shock to all my dulled senses and even when I got overwhelmed, I didn't want to stop.

I found myself at the other end of the market. I stood in the way, but the people had no difficulty dodging me, although some of them bumped or brushed against me. I let them shove me a little to the side, before I took back control and dived into the market again, from the other side this time, pushing against the flow.

Somewhere in the middle, where the square was the widest, I spotted a stall that didn't sell food like the rest. Instead it had various objects on display, some of them covered by duraglass caps to protect them.

I went closer to inspect, and the seller, an elderly female turned to me from the datapad she read. She had feline features, with greying fur around her temples and the tip of her ears. I thought I've seen this species somewhere before, but I couldn't recall their name.

"There isn't much here you could afford." She said after she looked me up and down. I must have been a miserable sight.

"I'm not interested in these." I said a bit too sharp, because her statement hurt my already wounded pride, especially since it was true. "I'm looking for something specific. An old Imperial relic."

Her bushy brows furrowed, and she looked away somewhere above my shoulder.

"We are not allowed to put anything from the Empire's era on display since last year. But I can give you an address..." She reached her hand to take mine, writing something on my wrist upside down so I could read it too. It hurt a little as if she was scratching my skin and when I rubbed it, the ink didn't smudge.

It was only a couple numbers, probably coordinates. I thanked her and decided to go back to my ship.

Except I didn't find it where I left it. Later I realized it was a foolish move to leave my only way out of here unguarded on the planet of smugglers and thieves, but what else I could've done? I had to go and explore.

I decided not to think about it for now. My mission was going to take a few days anyway and I could steal ships too.

Pushing away the stress, I made my way back to the main square, but I turned my back towards the statue. I studied the numbers I was given and soon I figured out it might not be coordinates. It was almost impossible to give such a small number and this wasn't even leading anywhere on Corellia if I remembered right.

It was an address. The streets were named, but the avenues had numbers to identify them easier. The ones running from the main square where I stood started with twelve, then got another number based on the order they were built and to which other square they led to.

I chose the avenue with twelve-eight-forty written on it. The crowd was less this way, either because no one really had any business in the industrial districts, or because the working day started and everyone went on with their lives. 

The avenue was quite a walk, and by the time I reached the end of it, my calves were aching with the forced tempo. Forty wasn't really a square but a rectangular platform, tall buildings on three sides and four narrow streets running from the corners.

I chose the street on the right which led diagonally back to where I came from, but its number was forty-one-thirty-two.

Now I only had to find the right building. The wide industrial buildings slowly disappeared, first skyscrapers then short blocks taking their place. On the ground floor of one of these blocks I found what I was looking for.

It seemed to be a shop full of antiquities, but as I stepped in I slowly realized, they were more like a collection of Imperial and even Sith relics. I never thought that a place like this could exist on a planet like Corellia.

Behind the table across the door, an old cat-like male sat. I assumed he was the woman's husband and they kept the shop together.   
He was very short, barely seeing above the piles of books on his desk, even when he stood up.

"Good day, son." He greeted me in Basic, but with a strange accent I couldn't place anywhere. "Are you feeling nostalgic?" He came closer before I could reply. "Probably not. You don't look old enough."

"I was on the market this morning." I said, holding up my hand with the address. "A lady gave me this address."

The male hummed, taking my hand like the female did, inspecting the numbers.

"I'm looking for an Imperial relic from Endor." I spoke up again when the silence stretched too far.

"I have a plenty like that. Are you looking for something specific?"

"Yes. Darth Vader's remains, specifically."

The male hummed again and walked around a little as if he was looking for something.

"We don't have that, son, I'm afraid." He returned to me, shaking his head.

"But you did once. You sold it to a retired colonel." I stepped a bit closer, not threatening, only agitated.

He frowned a little and for a second I thought I should just use the Force to make him talk, but then he spoke up anyway.

"Something... Yes I remember something." He mumbled. "Darth Vader? The remains from Endor, right?"

"Yes." I nodded eagerly.

"We had a... It was a..." He turned around as if he was looking for it on the crowded shelves. "A helmet, only his helmet and some ash."

"That's enough." I assured him. "Do you remember who brought it? Where they live?"

Instead of replying, he went back behind his desk, and for a second I thought I lost him. He took out a datapad and typed something on it.

I inched closer, suddenly realizing how stupid I was. I must be wanted for what happened on Yavin IV, and if he was really into the Jedi's things, he could've easily recognize me. He could call for the police or anything like that on his datapad.

"Colonel Clark Veers.” His words cut through my thoughts. “He lived in Cragdale, in the Easter Valley.”

“He died?” I frowned a little, but he shrugged, putting the datapad back in the drawer.

“It’s been years. I don’t keep track of all my customers’ life.”

That was understandable. I thanked his help and headed to find my way to the exit through the piles of antics, but I turned back in the door.

“Cragdale, right? Eastern Valley. How do I get there?”

The male stood up from his chair and looked at me as if he was looking for the source of the question.

“Take thirty-two-one-forty, then forty-three-sixteen until you reach the boulevard. You can follow the signs from there to the eastern gates.” He said finally, but I could see his eyes weren’t focused on me. Maybe he was near-sighted and I was already too far from him.

I didn’t bother for too long, afraid that I’d forget the directions he told me. I went back on the same avenue until I was on the rectangular square again, and now I took the street starting from the opposite corner. A strange, four-armed creature walked out of the guard-house of the factory and they watched from behind the fence as I passed. 

It wasn’t a long walk until the boulevard cut the avenue in half. I was getting hungry and I thought about the rations that were stolen along with my ship. Whoever took them was surely satisfied.

Just as the feline male said in the shop, there were several signs floating around to give direction both to pedestrians and to crafts. The eastern gates, or as they called it, was about two miles away. In no way I was going to walk, so when a hover craft passed close enough to me, I jumped on the narrow platform on its end.

Bracing myself on the smooth durasteel exterior was more difficult than I expected. The surface was a slippery, but at least the craft wasn’t going too fast and the passengers inside didn’t notice me. And when the boulevard parted, one way continuing to go around the city, and the other leading to the gates, I hopped off.

I ran across the street, dodging the other hovercars and crafts that were threatening to hit me. Without even looking back, I was out of the gates, the last signs informing me about that I was leaving Coronet City, and that the single road I was walking by led to the Eastern Valley.

Passing the last few building of the suburbs, I found myself in an endless-looking wilderness, and I realized, it might’ve been a crazy idea to go out unprepared. But when I turned back to return to the city to gather some equipment, it just... didn’t feel right. As if my feet refused to carry me back there.

With no other way, I started what I thought to be a long journey to the valley. Walking was strangely easier than ever since I left Yavin IV.


	15. in which I learn the cruel ways of natural selection

Lighting a small fire in the desolation wasn't hard at all. Being further and further from the city should've meant a healthier wildlife in my opinion. But instead everything got drier and weaker until there weren't any trees anymore, only yellowish grass that didn't grow higher than a couple of inches. Nature was exploited to the point where it couldn't provide more, not even for just one human.

I collected a couple of dry branches and lit them with my saber, to save my energy. With a hovercraft, the valley wasn't further than two hours, but on foot it could take me days. I didn't mind the walking, but going without food bothered me.

I didn't dare to leave the side of the road, even though no one came this way all day. The signs stood lonely and provided just enough shade for me to rest whenever the sun decided to burn through the clouds.

I risked attracting other creatures, but I couldn't honestly care about it, I just couldn't lie down and sleep. Somehow I felt the urge to mark my camp. Whatever or whoever would come to attack me, I'd fight them.

Never in my life I could sleep well on Corellia. Even as a child if we stayed for the night, I rather watched the sky in hope of seeing the stars or at least the signal lights of the ships which I thought to be falling stars slowly descending.

Now I lay awake in the wild, my eyes open in hope I'd see a craft coming for me and my ears open to hear if anyone was closing.

But it was dark and way too silent. After spending hours like this, I thought I've gone deaf and blind, or I even left my body as I felt nothing. So I sat up, watching my hands clench and unclench for a good few minutes. I wanted to shout too, but my throat felt dry.

Eventually I fell asleep somehow, because I woke up at dawn, the clouds a bit less dark than they were when I settled down. The fire died out and I kicked the ashes around since the soil was too hard to bury the evidence.

I continued my way by the road, my legs feeling heavy, but at least I felt them. I never turned or looked back, but I thought I was slower than before. By the time the sun was around its peak, I was cursing whoever stole my ship and I had to stop, but I didn't dare to sit down, knowing I wouldn't stand up again.

As I stood, leaned against a lonely pole which once held a sign, probably, I spotted a swaying figure on the horizon. I was pretty sure it saw me too as it was clearly coming my way, but it was slow, its moving reminding me of that injured Sith hound.

I didn't make any move, just waited, but my hand searched for my saber on my belt. Whatever it was, sentient or not, I'd kill it. I knew.

After a few minutes it stopped, and it felt like we were just sizing each other up from the distance. As much as I could tell, it was a four legged creature, probably a carnivore based on its built and to my relief it was far not as huge as the hounds on Korriban.

I had a very bad feeling about it, my guts suddenly jumping into a knot, and I could tell it wasn't because of the hunger. My instincts told me to turn back and look for shelter, but there was nothing near or far, except the empty plain.

I looked back at the creature just in time as it skipped a little and started running towards me, to hunt down its prey.

And my damned instincts were so right. I turned immediately and started running as fast as I could, my lungs burning and shins straining after the first few steps. In no way I, a weakened human, could outrun a predator, even a limping one as it was.

It caught me from behind, trying to claw on my back, but it could only rip at my leather attire. Regardless, I fell, but I was quick to roll the side, dodging its paw again.

The animal, an oversized cat, wasn't playing around. It was intelligent enough to go for my saber and knock it out of my hand when I wanted to ignite it, and it mauled my shoulder, this time successfully.

Later I couldn't remember much of our fight, but I knew I screamed and somehow I got a grab of my saber again. The cat was at my left arm when I stabbed it in the side.

The noise it let out was somewhere between a howl and a roar, but it was definitely painful. It turned, trying to catch my wrist with its sharp teeth, but I had just enough presence to raise a leg and kick its head away.

The cat fell off of me, and it tried to get on its feet again, but the wound must've hurt it a lot. I didn't give it much time until I pulled myself up and crawled forward just enough to stab it again.

And again.

I stabbed it until I heard nothing but the flickering of the plasma blade of my saber and the gurgling cough of the animal. Only then I let go.

The cat didn't move anymore. I sat back, dropping my weapon as the pain shot into my right shoulder first, then my left hand too.

 

I was bleeding.

Strangely, I didn't panic, even if I could proceed how severe my injuries were. My right arm slowly became numb, losing sensation, even after I put pressure on the wound. At least I didn't feel the pain that much either.

My blood mixed with the cat's, which was still leaking from its mouth. Lightsaber wounds almost never bled, but internal injuries did. Now I was soaked and it was hard to tell where my injuries were.

I sat next to the carcass, trying to regain my energy to just stand up, but it only grew worse. By the time the sky started darkening, I was dizzy and even weaker and I had to lie down.

I knew sleeping was risky in this state, so I fought the tiredness, and this was my luck. Only a few hours passed since nightfall when I heard the first howl from the distance, and then they were closer and closer. 

The smell of blood attracted more of the cats.

I sat up, watching as it closed. I expected more, but it was only one, a very loud and young one apparently. I snarled at it and tried to look as menacing as I could. It only came closer, eyeing the body, then me, but when I ignited my saber and swung it toward cat, it fled.

It was probably the end of my strength, because I passed into a half-awake state. When I woke up again, I could from the lights that it was dawning.

I forced myself to sit up, to move a little. My head was heavy, and I couldn't move my right arm at all, but I felt the dull throbbing of the wound on my shoulder.

I looked at the dead cat by me. It wasn't inviting at all, not even the bugs wanted to devour it, but I was hungry and weak. I knew if I didn't get any help, I won't make it too far.

Moving my saber with my left hand, I cut into the thigh of its hind leg. I sliced out a small part, as thick as my finger and tried to fry it with my lightsaber without completely burning it. I felt so miserable, I thought I could cry. I wanted to try cooking something on my own and here I was.

The meat was half raw and tough, the taste not really reminding me of anything. It was so salty, I started heaving after a few bites and I needed a minute to swallow it. I felt my stinging hunger slowly ease, but at this point I could've eaten anything, it wouldn't have made a huge difference.

Slowly and with great effort, I eventually finished the piece, but I knew I couldn’t get over another one. I wasn't feeling any better, and after about an hour, it only became worse. My stomach started cramping, forcing me until I threw up and curled on the ground again.

By the time the sun set again, I was shivering and twitching with an awful fever.

At around the same time as yesterday, I heard the howls again, or I thought I heard them. I kept passing out and waking up, having dreadful dreams and seeing blood on the clouds when I woke up. I heard a lot of things, stars colliding, ships' engines screaming and my mother's voice - I heard them all at the same time.

Something bit into my ankle and started dragging me. I wanted to yell and kick, but I didn't know if I really did, or my body completely refused to obey. I was pulled on the dried grass for what it felt like forever, then it changed into smaller rocks which cut into my exposed back.

I gave up fighting a long ago when the dragging stopped. Whatever held me now eased its grip and I felt something thick and hot flow into my boot.

It was dark here and much colder which eased my fever a bit, but I was still delirious. I briefly wondered if this was how I was going to end. It wasn't really what I planned out.

I heard a howl again, now muffled and echoing for a good two minutes after it was gone. There was a scream, and footsteps, my mother's voice again, calling out for me constantly, telling me I was going to be fine, I was going to survive, because I was strong...

Something grabbed my leg again, firmly, but it felt warm and soft, yet I still groaned. Hands took me and lifted me, yelling and moving me, but they couldn't get over _her_ whispers.

Nothing could dull _her_ , my mother, and as I was dragged, I felt like a beautiful woman accepted me in her arms, covering me with her flowery blue veil.

And when I looked up, I saw a pair of brown eyes before I was blinded by a sudden white light.


	16. in which I’m saved.

I drifted in and out of the delusional dreams. In one second I was lying in a bed, shivering in cold sweat, and in the next, I was burning in a pool of lava, my vision melting as my senses were slowly fried out one by one.

The woman and her sweet scented veil was gone before I could've settled against her chest, but I thought I could still sense her somewhere around.

The noises were muffled and distant, unfamiliar. My mother didn't talk to me anymore and now I felt left alone with my pain, my cold and my burn.

Now I was in a grey room, a droid hovering above me and I wanted to scream in the pain that was shooting through me, but I was too weak. There was something very wrong with my stomach. It was only a second, as if a holomovie was cut badly and an extra scene was left in accidentally.

I felt my skin stretch uncomfortably, I grew three times, ten times bigger on the inside and my body tried to follow the change, unsuccessful. At the end only the tension stayed, I was on the edge of bursting open.

At the same time, I saw the blinding light again, it didn't matter whether I closed my eyes or not. I was immersed in a burning liquid, lava again, I assumed, but I could breathe shallowly.

_That's nonsense. No one can breathe in lava._

I only realized I didn't have memories of anything earlier than my fourth birthday when I was there again. I knew it was me because I saw myself from outside, I even reached for the awkward baby who just took his first steps towards me. Laughing filled my ears until it merged into a painful cry again, the image of the baby tilting and when I tried to grab him - myself -, my hands dug into sand and I smelled burnt bodies.

 

I opened my eyes.

A pair of round, brown eyes gazed back at me. They weren't the ones I saw before, they were far more childish, young.

They blinked and pulled away, and I heard tiny feet drumming on wood as the owner of the eyes ran away.

"Mom! Mom!" A little boy shouted, and I thought it was me.

But probably it wasn't me, because the woman who stepped in wasn't my mother, even if she was just as pretty. Her skin and hair was much darker and she didn't quite carry that burning passion that could've made her a leader of a successful revolution.

She sat by me regardless and put something wet on my forehead.

"Can you hear me? How are you feeling?"

She had a strange, but soft accent, not screaming, not hurting my ears and I wished I could've replied, but my voice didn't wake up yet, or my vocal chords really burned away in the lava. I could only groan.

"You must be in pain. Sleep a little more."

 _I don't want to sleep_ , I wanted to say, _I had enough of sleeping, of dreams _, but she just stood up and left me.__

__I turned my gaze, seemingly my senses were the only thing which already returned. I couldn't feel my body yet, but I somehow assumed it was better this way._ _

__She returned with a bucket, and another person, a young girl. The woman, the mother as I figured out, peeled off the blankets of me, four in total. I had no clothes underneath and now I was cold again and exposed. The girl sat down by my head and watched me with suspicion through the whole process, not looking away._ _

__It took me a while to realize it was her eyes which I saw before. I was stunned I could even remember it after what I've been through in the past few hours, but I recognized her._ _

__There was something about her that made me feel we were connected._ _

__As the woman washed me, the sensation returned to my body on the trail of the sponge._ _

__And I felt the pain, in my shoulder, in my arm and my ankle. But mostly just my shoulder as it was so strong, it dulled everything else._ _

__"What's your name?" The accent was similar, but it wasn't the woman's voice that asked me. It must've been the girl, though I didn't see her lips move._ _

__"Ben." I forced out a groan, before I could think, hoarse and barely audible. It took me a second to remember why I shouldn't have used that name, but it was too late. "Just Ben." I added quickly, hoping she wouldn't have more questions about my identity._ _

__"I'm Carmen." She nodded very seriously, but I didn't understand what was so important about it. I could only focus on the pain now._ _

__"I'm going to make you feel better." She continued and her tiny freckles seemed to be dancing on the edge of my vision, even when I closed my eyes. She slid a hand under the blankets which were back on me, and touched my shoulder._ _

__I hissed and wanted to move away, but my body felt too heavy. She kept me under her hold firmly, but not pressing on the wound. It only turned numb, but she was right, it made me feel better._ _

__I think she knew it, because she pulled her hand back. I wanted to look up and smile and thank her, but my eyelids were too heavy and they remained closed._ _

__

__The second time I woke up, I felt much better. I don't know how much time passed, but it was dark in the room. I moved my head slowly, looking to my left, but I only saw a plain whitish wall. So I turned to the other side, trying to see something, and something, maybe a bed or a long table, outlined. I watched it for a little while, hoping that by time I could tell what it was, but I didn't become any smarter._ _

__So I looked up at the ceiling again, only now noticing its round shape. In fact, the whole room looked like a ball, cut at its top and bottom to have a flat ceiling and floor like any normal place would have._ _

__I sensed something moving, and I turned again, just to see first a head, then a whole tiny body raise from the ambiguous object. I watched almost frightened as the person walked to my bed, but when they saw I was awake, they stilled._ _

__"You are alive." He whispered and I recognized the little boy from earlier. I assumed he meant _awake_ , but then he continued. "Carmen said you could still die at any minute."_ _

__"I won't." I reassured him hoarsely and he shuddered as if he didn't expect me to speak. "I'm not that easy to kill."_ _

__He pouted a little._ _

__“It would’ve been funny... Sleeping with someone dead.”_ _

__His words made me shiver a little. He was a kid, maybe six or seven years old, he probably didn’t even understood what he was talking about._ _

__We were both silent for a while, just sizing each other up, waiting for the other to speak up. Eventually I gave in, and cleared my throat, but it only made it feel even rawer.  
“Aren’t you tired?” I asked. His stare made me uneasy, but he just ignored my question._ _

__“Carmen said you have the Force.” He continued. “She also said you have a lightsaber, but she didn’t let me try it out.”_ _

__“She is very wise. Is she your sister?” I sighed and closed my eyes, but it was a mistake, because he immediately grabbed my injured shoulder. I bet he knew it would hurt._ _

__“Don’t fall asleep!” The boy shook me and I hissed, opening my eyes. “Are you a Jedi?”_ _

__“Sort of.” I shrugged, resulting in more pain, but his hand fell off of me at least._ _

__“I told my friends about you. They want to meet you, but mom said, you can’t leave the house, because you are sick.”_ _

__“I’m not, I’m just injured. Got caught by a big cat.” I explained weakly. I felt like falling asleep again, but I didn’t want the boy to hurt me again._ _

__“No, you caught some kind of a flu. But it’s not contagious. Just very deadly.” He leaned closer. “Are you sure you are not dying? You look very pale.”_ _

__“It’s just my... complexion.” I turned away from him, but he couldn’t be stopped; he climbed on my bed and on me until he was sitting on my chest. He wasn’t heavy, but my body was extremely sensitive, so it still hurt._ _

__“What’s your name?” He asked and when I squeezed my eyes shut again, he forced my eyelids open with his fingers. I hoped it was still just a nightmare._ _

__“If I tell you, will you leave me alone?” I grit my teeth and after a second of consideration, he nodded. “I’m Ben. And you?”_ _

__He was at least true to his word, and climbed off, but he didn’t miss to press at all the wrong spots._ _

__“I’m Pollux, after my star sign.” He explained, and suddenly his face was just as serious, and slightly solemn, as the girl’s. “But Mr Veers hated it, so now everyone calls me just Pol."_ _

__I closed my eyes, before I could process his words, and now I almost jumped up, resulting in more pain._ _

__“Veers? You said Veers? Like Colonel Clark Veers?” I gasped when I finally settled back and the pain was gone enough that I could talk again._ _

__“We just called him Mr Veers. I don’t know if he was a colonel or not.” The kid shrugged, back to his nonchalant, and slightly scary way of talking. He always looked at me with those big dark eyes like a monster playing innocent._ _

__A question was there on the tip of my tongue, when the door slid open, and Pol’s mother stepped in, the woman, who washed me. Her hair was pulled back into a neat, but not too tight bun and she was dressed up as if she was ready to go, though I was sure it was still dark outside._ _

__“Pol?” She glanced at the empty bed and it took her a second to look at the two of us and see what was going on. “Pol, I told you not to bother him. He has to rest.” She scolded the boy softly and came to take him by the hand and drag him from me._ _

__“I thought he was dead. But he woke up.” Pollux explained with that innocent look and I rather chose not to say anything._ _

__“Of course he is not dead.” The woman shook her head and walked to one of the empty walls, pulling out a drawer from it. Built-in closet, I realized._ _

__She helped the boy dress quietly, then when she noticed I was still awake, she sent the boy out, downstairs, and stepped to me._ _

__“I’m sorry he bothered you. I’ll wake Carmen up to take care of you.”_ _

__“Please, don’t, I’m fine.” I said but she was already almost out of the door, when it opened again, and the girl stepped in._ _

__“I know.” She nodded to her mother and closed the door after her, before she sat by me._ _

__It was still dark, but my eyes grew used to it, so I could see her quite well. She was all dressed up, her hair braided, but somehow she still looked tired._ _

__“Stop staring.” She rolled her eyes as she slipped her hand under the blankets again, touching my shoulder._ _

__“You are staring too.” I reminded her, which earned me a squeeze on the painful spot._ _

__“That’s because you are a stranger.” She said, and there was no sharpness in her voice._ _

__From my point of view they were the strangers, but I understood what she meant. I must’ve been an intruder in their world, not a malicious, but someone who didn’t bring much luck and joy to the inhabitants. Yet they still took care of me, for stars know how long now. As much as I knew, it could’ve been months._ _

__The numbness set in again, and finally I was allowed to rest, now that the boy was gone. I closed my eyes and when I felt her other hand touching my forehead, I fell asleep again._ _


	17. in which everything was alarmingly casual.

When I woke up for the third time, I was finally allowed to sit up, even if just for half an hour until I was fed. Thankfully my voice was completely back, so I could tell the woman I could eat on my own but she insisted. That I shouldn't move my arm yet was a reason I couldn't argue with.

Pollux saw it as his greatest mission to tell me about what he learnt in school - but only at night, instead of sleeping, and constantly ignoring my questions. I slowly grew used to it and I found myself daydreaming with open eyes while he talked.

Carmen only came to see me in the evening, even though I preferred her company the most. We didn't talk a lot, it was enough that we kept studying each other while she eased my pain. For these few minutes we were always left alone, but I barely noticed it until she let go of me. I was always feeling awkward afterwards and forgot to thank her.

About a week later I started sitting up, it wasn't Hismé, the mother, who woke me, but Carmen. It was still a bit early, but I didn't mind it.

"Mother said you can have breakfast with us." She announced softly, but solemnly, and it made me feel like I received the greatest honour in the world.

I only realized I was still naked under the covers when she started to peel them off. So far I didn't have the consciousness to worry about it but now I was.

"I have no clothes on..." I took the courage to speak up and she stopped, looking at me as if I was stupid.

"I know." She replied simply after a little delay, then added: "I stripped you."

It didn't make me feel any better, but she left the last cover on me and went to grab something from the closet for me. I managed to convince her to let me dress on my own and she left the room.

I thought the clothes would fit, from the look I could tell they were roughly my size. But when I uncovered myself, and put them on, I realized I lost way more weight than I expected. I've always been on the lean side, but now I was only skin and bone.

Thankfully the pants had an adjustable waist, so I wouldn't have to be afraid it would slip off if I took a step.

Carmen didn't leave me too much time, I barely put on the clothes and she was already by my side, helping me up on my feet. I wanted to argue that I could've done it myself, but somewhere I knew I was weaker than I believed.

We exited the room, finding ourselves in a smaller, but still round room. Across, there was another door, but instead we stepped into the lift that would took us downstairs.

Its outer wall was made of duraglass, so I could see the valley for the first time. The clouds were grey as always, but instead of the endless plain, now the horizon was ragged with mountains, just as yellow and merciless-looking. The only green was the gardens of the other houses, each one painted in a bright colour, two-two flattened globes on both sides with a thick white pole connecting them in the middle.

The lift stopped and Carmen led me into a small kitchen on our right. Its walls were light blue, but most of it was covered by the plain white counter and the matching cupboards above it.

In the middle there was a table with way too many chairs crowded around it. Pollux sat on one of them, chewing on something he must've stolen from the prepared plates and bowls, and he carefully hid it in his lap when we stepped in.

Hismé and another woman who I haven't seen before were working at the counter, but only Hismé turned to us.

"Here, seat him here." She wiped her hand on her apron quickly, then rushed to pull out a chair across Pollux.

Carmen helped me, then sat next to me.

"Can you eat on your own now?" The boy spoke up, slowly starting to munch on his food again. It was probably some kind of a candy and he was hiding it from his mother.

"I want to try." I said, glancing at the girl, but she just shrugged and passed me the ladle of one of the bowls.

It was the same kind of soup I was fed twice every day. It was salty and a tiny bit sour, but rich with vegetables. Now it had some finely chopped meat as well, which I assumed, was fished out so it wouldn't bother my rather upset stomach. Not like I minded it; I didn't think I could eat meat ever again while I still remembered the cat's taste.

I filled my soup bowl, but waited, not knowing if I was allowed to start yet or not. In the Academy, the youngsters ate together and they often waited until every sat down.

Carmen took her own portion, only the ladle's clinking could be heard in the silence.

"You can eat." She said, picking up her spoon. "You too, Pollux."

The boy flinched a little and put the candy in his vest's pocket before picking something mushy from one of the pots.

My soup was pleasantly warm, and I kept my left pressed against the side of the bowl to steal some of the heat. My fever wasn't that bad anymore, but sometimes I still felt cold.

I carefully avoided any kind of meat and chose that mush too as the second course. After a while the two women sat down to eat too, silently, but I could feel their gaze on me. It was unbelievable for me too, that after what happened out on the plain, I was here, casually having breakfast in the oddest way ever.

We drank something sweet after the meals, and I guessed it was a kind of herb tea. Even if this meal tasted nothing compared to what Linza used to cook, I was still thankful, blissed and most importantly, full.

Pollux pulled out the candy again, now proudly chewing on it and Hismé let him.

"So you are really not going to die?" He asked finally after studying me for a few minutes.

"I'm not in the mood right now." I shrugged carefully. Moving my arm didn't hurt while I ate, but I wasn't sure how long it would last.

"Pity." The kid grinned, showing off his teeth, now slightly blueish from the candy. "I already designed your coffin."

"Pol, stop with this nonsense." Hismé shook her head and stood up, looking for something to busy herself with, but she found nothing. "Come on. We'll be late."

The boy shot me another meaningful look before getting up from her chair. The other woman did so, following them out without a word, only her strong jaw clenching even harder.

I glanced at Carmen who just finished and now she was wiping her hands on her napkin. She must've noticed I was staring because suddenly she stopped and turned at me.

"Do you want to go back to bed?" She asked in a way that almost made me say yes, even though I didn't want to. 

"No, I'm fine." I frowned a little, but she took it with an easy nod and stood up, starting to clean the table.

We were silent for a long while, even after she returned next to me, and we listened to the dishwasher's soft humming. Eventually she broke the silence with a sigh.

"Would you teach me?" She asked, turning completely towards me and she used that gaze again which locked my eyes on her.

"Teach... what?" I tilted my head a little and she sighed again.

"You are very strong with the Force. In the cave... I felt it." She explained. "I want to learn how to use it too."

Suddenly, it made sense. How she eased my pain, how she knew so much about me from just one look, how I felt connected to her.

"You are Force-sensitive." I whispered finally, and for the first time ever, I saw a tiny smile flicker through her lips.

"I am." She nodded, then quickly added: "The only one in the village, who stayed."

"Stayed? Did the others leave?"

"They went to Yavin IV to train to be a Jedi." She fell silent a little, and broke eye contact just for a second, to look outside. "But I couldn't leave my mother with _that_ man."

She looked back at me, and she didn't seem surprised that I kept staring constantly.

"What man?" I asked finally, unable to hold myself back, because I had a feeling which I couldn't put anywhere.

"Some Imperial son-of-a-bantha who decided to marry my mother." She tried to shrug it off, but her eyes were burning with hatred. “He even tried to send Pollux away to some soldier academy!”

“Is that Mr Veers? Pollux mentioned him.”

Her eyes lit up with a dangerous fire and if I could’ve stand up on my own, I would’ve backed off from her.

“That bastard.” She spat the words. “His only luck was that he died before I could’ve murdered him. I was so ready for it!”

She sighed and something dropped in me. Veers was dead, and I was sitting in his late, anti-Imperialist family’s kitchen.

 

Later we went back to the room and she sat at the end of my bed as I tried to collect all my memories about the old Jedi Order and the history of the Republic. I was careful to avoid mentioning that I was related to a certain Corellian-born smuggler-turned-hero and the fierce princess of a destroyed world.

I never thought I was even an average story-teller, but Carmen happened to be the most devoted audience I could’ve ever hoped for. First she only listened, but as the conversation carried on she started asking question and I couldn’t help but feel like she finally let herself open up, maybe for the first time in years. I wished I could’ve done the same.

“My father was a pilot in the Rebel Alliance.” She finally said as she was having some leftovers from breakfast. I was neither hungry not feeling well enough to have another meal. “You might’ve known him. Drustan Botbol. I think he knew your master.”

“Very likely.” I nodded, though I was sure I’ve never heard this name before, but I could tell the thought comforted her. “How did your mom end up with someone like Veers?”

“Don’t think that my mother didn’t support the Rebellion.” She sat up straighter, her glare poking hole into me again. “Whenever and wherever she could she fought with my father side by side. Then they settled down here... This place was nowhere like this back then. Mother made it livable, working hard with the rest of the villagers, while father made sure there wouldn’t be a new Empire.”

She fell silent for a second, hiding her hesitation by taking some more food in her mouth.

“We knew something wasn’t right when he hasn’t come back by the time Pollux was born. He promised and he never broke his promises.” She swallowed. “Then a week later we were informed, you know. Mother was struck down. She didn’t believe she could manage on her own and it was when that bastard dared to step in our valley...” 

She had to stop again, now because she was slightly shaking and her cheeks burned. I thought I should comfort her, but when I moved to pat her back, pain shot into my shoulder.

“I haven’t healed you yet today.” She realized and she set her plate down, but I shook my head.

“I will fall asleep if you do. I want to hear the end of your story first.”

She slowly settled back and cleared her throat, probably thinking where to continue.

“He was old, fifty-something. Retired. I knew he will be a problem, but mother refused to hurt him. Can you believe this? He could’ve been the man who killed my father!” She rubbed a hand across her face. “I don’t even know how it happened. He started hanging out at our house more and more until one day he announced they were going to get married. It wasn’t even a real wedding, but everyone was convinced he was nice. Then he tried to convince mother to send Pollux away to be a soldier or whatever when he was old enough, and when she didn’t agree he hit her. A lot. Thank the Maker, he got mauled by that direcat last year.” She sighed and looked away somewhere to the wall across. “I’m just so sorry I couldn’t see the exact moment when his face was ripped off...”

I shivered a little and she stirred now, looking me through for a long minute, before she shifted to sit on the floor by me and slip her hand through the neck cut of my shirt.

“It wasn’t nice from me to say that, given that you were caught by a direcat too.” She said softly, her touch already numbing my shoulder and slowly spreading out to the rest of my body.

“So it was a direcat.” I mumbled, feeling my mind fog as well and I let my eyes close.

“Yeah. But don’t worry, I took care of it.” She said and I thought I heard a smile in her voice, but I couldn’t look up to see it actually.


	18. in which I set a trap and succeed.

"Do you often have nightmares?"

The wall across me shifted and a short figure parted from the shadows and came to the end of my bed, his moon-eyes gleaming.

"Not so often. Sometimes."

"Is it because of the Force?"

It made me think a little. I lay back on my pillow, turning on my left to face the wall.

"No. It's just my mind." I said finally. "Go back to sleep, Pollux.

 

I never saw Carmen make things float around in the air. She never pulled or tossed objects around as I naturally did from a very young age.

In fact I never seen her use the Force except when she healed me, and even that was temporary. 

"I never tried it." She said when I asked her. "Do you think you could teach me?"

"I'm still an apprentice. But I think I could show you some stuff."

And so our training sessions started. I had to re-learn many things too, so we sat in the garden and practiced every afternoon. It never lasted longer than an hour, I was still weak and got tired very fast, and Carmen was worried she wouldn't have energy to heal me in the evening.

Being outside did good on me. I could get up and walk on my own, readjusting the empty pots which she used to practice on every now and then. I wasn't a good teacher, telling her what to do didn't come naturally, but she was endlessly patient and hardworking, which I admired.

One morning she took Pollux to school, and I was left alone with Hismé, and the other woman, who was always very serious and silent. She often turned up in the house, sometimes spent the night too, but I barely knew her name.

"This is the last sunny day before autumn comes." She explained as she was hanging the laundry outside and I sat by, sorting the clothes and bed linens by colour and handing them to her. "You will have to move inside with your practice too."

"No problem." I nodded. "She can at least start learning how to be precise."

"Is she good?" Hismé asked in a way that only a mother who wants to be proud can ask.

"Talented. If she keeps practicing, she will be amazing." I gave an evasive answer.

Carmen wasn't good in the way a Jedi should be. She was strong and dutiful, but it also made her stubborn. Hismé must’ve known that too, but I didn’t want to break it to her.

"I'm so thankful." Hismé turned, but didn't take the shirt I was holding. Instead, she smiled, softly and heartwarmingly. It made my chest tighten. "She hid it for so long and I didn't know how to help her. Clark said he worked with a Force-user, but he never really fancied the Jedi."

She finally took the shirt and she hummed softly, probably lost in her thoughts so I hesitated speaking up, but... I wouldn't have gotten a better chance.

"Carmen told me she hated your husband." I said finally, hoping it would start something in her.

"Oh, she hated him, deeply. She was so fond of her father, she couldn’t get used to me marrying someone else." She shook her head, and I admired her, because the shaking in her voice was barely noticeable. "But Clark wasn't that bad. He made me laugh sometimes and last year, when a boy was attacked by the direcats, he led a small group to try to save him."

Hismé fell silent and I was thinking how to continue from here, when she added.

"None of them returned. Edith's husband was among them too." She glanced back at the house as she could see the other woman working inside. “Now she is all alone.”

We were silent again, and the clothes rapidly lessened in the basket and the empty strings we pulled out in the beginning were looking like a floating rainbow. Hismé took the basket when we were finished and went inside, but I stayed watching some darker clouds closing above the valley. Maybe we already missed the sunny days.

The wind grew stronger and I was still not feeling well enough to fight it, so eventually I headed inside too. Carmen had arrived back since then and she brought some supplies, so the women started preparing for lunch. I wanted to help them too, but Carmen pulled me aside.

“I want to tell you something.” She whispered and we went upstairs.

I sensed something bad and when she led me into her room, which I haven’t been in so far, my heart was pounding hard with worry.

“What is it?” I asked, my voice still low even if there was no one else around.

She sat me down in the end of her bed and sat across me, taking a deep breath.

“In a few days the valley will have a celebration. You know, that the village is twenty years old.” She started and I nodded that she can go on. “Mother wants us, you and me, to go together. She truly believes you will stay here and marry me. I need your word that you won’t.”

There was a second of pause and she looked at me expectantly.

“I won’t stay, I promise.” I frowned a little.

“And you won’t marry me.” She urged me.

“I mean if you...” I started but I saw her face drop and it made me a bit relieved too. “No, of course not.” I shook my head awkwardly.

“Good. That’s all I wanted to hear.” She nodded and stood up, and I couldn’t help but mirrored her. “But we can go to the celebration together though.” She added.

“Yeah, it would be nice.” I shrugged a little and didn’t know what to do. Sometimes she was a bit too fast for me. “I think I’ll go and help with the lunch.” I said eventually and headed back downstairs.

It was similar to how we did it with Linza. The women did the most of the cooking, and I just assisted them, peeling the vegetables and cleaning the dishes. They talked in a hushed voice, and barely ever engaged me in the conversation, but I didn’t mind it.

I was too busy with my own thoughts. I’ve already spent way too much time with this family. At least a month, if we don’t count the time when I was unconscious. They were clearly growing fond of me, and honestly, I was starting to like them too which resulted in letting down my guard way too often. And I felt... sorry for them.

They thought they knew me. They believed I was probably some Jedi apprentice, lost on a mission and now they felt responsible for my well-being and future as well.

I told myself I wasn’t getting involved, I was earning their trust to get what I wanted. But the problem was that I didn’t sense anything in the way I sensed Darth Vader’s lightsaber. There was nothing for my interests here. And I knew it from the start.

After lunch, I helped cleaning up the kitchen. Edith left to tend to whatever she had to do, and Carmen disappeared in her room again, not even showing up at the time of our practice. With nothing to do, we just sat around with Hismé and chatted.

“You really start to look like a living person.” She gave me one of those rare, soft smiles again, the second today, and I felt especially honoured. “When Carmen took you home from the western caves, no one really thought you could ever get up. It’s not a nice land; our water is tainted, the earth is shallow and those who doesn’t get eaten by the direcats, dies in the infection they leave behind. You were lucky you had that fever and they could smell you weren’t _clean meat_.”

It made sense now. I ate from the cat I killed, got infected by whatever disease these animals carried and so the rest didn’t want to eat me. In that sense my misfortune was my fortune.

“I’m feeling much better too.” I nodded, trying to be clever as I build up my, hopefully working, trap. “I just can’t sleep that well.”

“Is it Pollux? I’m sorry if he bothers you.” She reached across the table to touch my hand gently. “I can take him to my room.”

“Oh, no, not him, we actually made friends, I think.” I was quick to assure her. “It’s more like a presence, something I feel through the Force. Carmen doesn’t feel it, and I don’t know if it’s because she is used to it or she is just not in tune with it yet...”

Hismé pulled her hand back slowly, and I could see a tiny glimpse of worry in her eyes. 

“What could it be?” She asked carefully, as if she would already knew the answer. So my trap maybe worked.

“I’m not sure. Maybe something that has any relation to the Dark side, or belonged to someone who had a relation. I’m thinking about lightsabers, charms, _helmets_...”

Her eyes widened and she put her hand on her chest for a second before quickly dropping it in her lap.

“Clark brought something once.” She started, almost whispering. “A scary thing, some relic. He said it made him feel powerful, because he survived.”

Suddenly it was hard to contain myself. I was so close, this could be it...

“Can I see it? If it’s not something private...”

“Private? No, not anymore. He used to keep it in our bedroom, but when he died, I removed it.” She stood up and motioned to me to follow her. “I took it down to the basement so it wouldn’t bother anyone, but frankly, I never expected a guest like you... Maybe it’s time to get rid of it.”

She went to the cupboard and opened a small drawer, pulling out a key. I tried to memorize everything as accurately as possible so when my time come I could be out of here in less time.

Then we went to the hall, and stepped into the lift. There was a small hole bellow the only two buttons on its control panel. Hismé inserted the key in there and turned it to the right. There was a soft clicking sound and the lift started to sink, taking us to a floor which was below the ground.

It was dark here, but Hismé was quick to find a panel and turn the lights on. The whole floor was just one huge room without windows or any furniture. Instead, a few boxes and broken machines were dropped by the wall. Hismé waved to me again and I went to help her move around some of the boxes. They were made of some transparent material and I could see they mostly contained clothes. Maybe they belonged to one of her deceased husbands.

Finally she pulled out a durasteel case, roughly the size of my palm twice in width, but way deeper. She set it on top of the rest of the stuff and opened it.

Inside, on a thin layer of greyish dirt, a half-melted helmet laid, its hollow eyes staring back at me. It made me shiver and suddenly I was floored by a flood of feelings that I couldn’t name.

“Is it the... thing?” Hismé’s voice echoed from somewhere far from me and for a second I forgot how to form my reply.

“No.” I said and I watched as she double checked the lock when she closed the case, as if anything could climb out of there and...

So it was here. And it was going to be mine. I just had to find the right time to steal it.

 

Eventually Hismé was right about the weather. The next day, it started pouring and it didn’t even stop till the weekend, when the celebration was planned. It was a blessing, as Hismé said. We prepared inside silently, only Pollux wriggling a bit excitedly.

In some ways it was like Life Day on Kashyyyk. My parents went there every year to celebrate and in my younger years, before the Academy, I went along with them. Here, in Cragdale, the villagers came together too, gifting each other with food and other small gadgets. Further from the village, but still in the safety of the valley, they lit a huge bonfire.

Carmen was charming that night. She showed off her new skills to the kids, levitating rocks, and she told them the stories I told her. We sat on a side walk, a pretty little crowd gathering around us, and later even some adults joined, who were curious of who I was. 

Soon I lost sight of Hismé and Pollux in the crowd, and I didn’t pay enough attention nor bothered to correct if Carmen said something inaccurately. My thoughts were in our house’s basement, and that how empty it must’ve been now. If only I could find an excuse...

“Right, Ben?” Carmen looked at me and I had to double take, because her eyes were shining so bright I thought she was smiling too. “You have a lightsaber.”

“Uh, yes I do, but I don’t have it with me.” I frowned a little.

“It’s in my room, I had to keep it safe from Pollux. I’ll give it back tomorrow.” She said just off-shoulder and was about to continue the story, when I stood up.

“I’ll, uh, look around, okay?” I smiled at her and she nodded.

I really wanted to look around first. Partly to pretend and have an alibi, but I was also curious. Besides the gifting, there were a few stalls selling mostly what looked like sweets and small dolls.

I wandered further and eventually I found myself by the bonfire. People were sitting around, chatting and having picnics, welcoming more and more people on their blankets, because the grass was still wet from the rain. Some of them stood up sometimes and tossed something into the fire and they all watched it burn.

“It’s a custom.”

I felt warm fingertips toying around my wrist and I saw Carmen standing next to me. She pulled her other hand out of her pocket to reveal a small figurine, sewn from some dark fabric.

“They burn things that represent bad luck. Mostly bones from the meat they eat, or torn clothes. It all depends on what they think into it.” She explained, while she gently took my hand and placed the doll in my palm. “I made it for you, so you can burn the flu or any illnesses or whatever you want. Just don’t keep it, because it will attract the problems.”

“Thank you.” I squeezed the thing and she smiled as I stepped closer to throw it in the flames. I thought about all this absurd journey and this place.

When I returned, she held my hand, and I let her, telling myself I could allow her this little comfort before I was going to leave. But I also knew, I needed this too, and when she pulled my arm to wrap around her waist, I knew I didn’t want to leave.

“Don’t you want to go back home?” She asked softly, her voice just a murmur by the burning wood’s crackling.

“Why?” I frowned a little, clueless for a second, but she slipped a hand under my shirt and smoothed my chest and down on my stomach.

“I have something important to show.” She said, smiling, and I followed her willingly.


	19. in which some things start, but mostly they end.

The streets were empty and as soon as Carmen made sure no one could see us, she guided me against the wall of a building. My heart was pounding hard, and I wasn’t sure what will happen, whether she will kill me or kiss me.

She kissed me. It still didn’t feel right, but it was better than the Twi’lek; less sloppy and more feelings. By the time we reached the house, we kissed at least a thousand times and my mouth was sore and tasting weird.

I thought we were already pretty intense, but as soon as the door shut closed behind us, Carmen got me against the wall again. A shame, but right now she was probably stronger than me, and I believed she even used the Force.

“I’ve been thinking, Ben.” She said softly, her lips brushing the base of my neck where my skin was exposed by the shirt’s collar. “I don’t want you to leave.”

It wasn’t a plea, but more like an order. She held my shirt, buttoning it open and finally I found something I definitely liked.

“What made you... change your mind?” I asked in attempt to keep a normal conversation, because I didn’t know how to act in a situation like this. My hands were still on her waist where she put them.

“Told you, I’ve been thinking.” She repeated, but then she pulled a bit away to look at me. “I don’t wanna be like my mother.”

That was understandable, though it made me a bit disappointed. Yet I still followed when Carmen pulled me into the lift and we went up to her room. She laid me on her bed and climbed over me, her hand sliding up and down on my chest while we kissed.

It was going to happen, I knew it. She guided my hand on her own chest, and suddenly, my head was dizzy at the lack of air and blood. _We’re going to do it_ , I thought and I got a bit scared.

“Wait...” Carmen pulled away suddenly and got off me, leaving the room without another word. I heard the lift hum and I sighed softly.

I had something to do, but I couldn’t remember it right now. I sat up though, trying to get some blood back in my head to think clearly.

Then I spotted my lightsaber on her shelf and I remembered.

I jumped up and took the weapon. I slipped out of Carmen’s room and went to mine and Pollux’s, quickly picking up the clothes I really owned, then stopped to listen.

As much as I could tell, Carmen was in the bathroom downstairs. Maybe I could sneak down to the basement without her noticing, and when she came back to her room, I could leave the house.

Everything was smooth until I entered the kitchen. I remembered which drawer Hismé pulled out, but inside I found three keys, all identical. I stopped for a second and focused, and listening to my instincts, I chose one of them.

It fit, and I went down to the basement, finding the case where Hismé left it last time. I opened it just to check it and headed back to the ground floor. I planned on taking the hovercar which Hismé took Pollux to school with. In no way I could get back to Coronet City fast enough on feet.

It was way too easy, I thought, when I was just about to start the engine. I wanted to laugh a little, relieved, but my chest was heavy.

“Ben?”

I almost jumped and I was startled for a second. When I turned I saw Carmen standing in the door, her shirt still open, and I thought I saw my fingerprints on her dark skin.

“Where are you going, Ben?” She asked, her voice soft as always.

“Away.” I replied after a little hesitation, and I felt stupid.

“Why? I said you could stay.”

“Well, I don’t want to.” I lied.

I wanted to stay. Not because of her, but just to have a place to call home. I never had one, not even the Academy felt like this welcoming and comforting.

She didn’t say anything, but she came closer. I let her, but I had my hand on my lightsaber, just in case. Her eyes were burning the same way like whenever she talked about Veers.

“Then just one more thing.” She said silently. “We heard about the massacre. There are no Jedi anymore.”

My heart sank a little at her words, but I was frozen in place and I couldn’t leave. So I waited.

“We knew who you are, we all knew, from the beginning. And the only reason why my mother agreed to save you was so we can give you up for the money.” She hissed, and I understood everything. “Now I wish we would’ve done it earlier.”

She let go of the side of the hovercar and though my chest was hurting, I let the vehicle dart out.

 

Mornings were dark in the valley, the sun struggling to get above the mountains and when it finally did, it was hidden by clouds again. I woke up shivering, on the outskirts of Cornet City, the sun never visible here, not even when there weren’t clouds, but the street lights were enough to illuminate the blaster pressed against my head.

There was a blaster pressed against my head.

On its own, it was an unpleasant discovery already. I was dizzy and tired, feeling awful after what happened last night and now I would have to kill someone again.

So when I recognized the young, red-skinned Twi’lek girl on the other end of the gun, my mood got even worse.

“I thought you died.” I groaned, but I was truly impressed. She wasn’t the same Twi’lek who I left bleeding on a street of Mos Eisley; instead of her way too revealing clothes, she had a full armour now, similar to what stormtroopers wore in the Empire. Her glare was almost menacing and her lekkus which I cut off were replaced with metallic rings, mimicking the headtails.

“I hoped you died.” She returned the greeting sharply, and still keeping the gun pressed to me, she climbed into the seat next to me.

“Aren’t you going to kill me?” I watched her, slightly surprised. I could’ve killed her a thousand times since I woke up, but she didn’t seem to care and I let her believe she had the upper hand.

“Not yet. I haven’t chased you all the way here not to take advantage of your skills afterwards.” I snorted at her reply and it earned me a kick on the shin. “Now, drive.” She snapped.

“To where?” I asked and it startled her. She lowered the blaster a little, pointing it in my lap instead, so her hand wouldn’t strain.

“Around the city on eighty-six. I’ll tell you when to stop.” She said after a little hesitation, and the engine howled under my hand as I started it.

 

It was a long and tiring ride. Vida (I later remembered her name) was alert, keeping the blaster ready to fire, but soon she had to stop pressing it against any of my body parts, because I couldn’t drive otherwise.

“Don’t feel at ease though. Make a wrong move and I’m bursting your balls off.” She murmured as she rested the weapon on her thigh, and I had to hold back a laugh. The wind caught in my hair.

“But seriously, how did you survive?” I asked eventually.

“You are really bitter about it, aren’t you?” There was something smug in her voice, as if she was mocking me. “Your uncle has a heart of gold.”

_Oh._

“He is not my uncle.” I replied sullenly.

“He said he was your uncle.” She pointed out and when I glanced at her, she was smiling so cheekily that I was tempted to slap her.

“Not anymore.”

There was no sun and the sky was almost as dark as it was at night, now because of the clouds, thick and heavy with rain. We saw the purple and green lightning in the distance, but their rumble never reached us.

I glanced at Vida again and again. She maybe matured and learned, but still, who was she compared to me? No one really. A flick of my hand and she could be dead.

And it was a thrilling thought, restoring something I believed I lost on my way to Cragdale. I only left the place a few hours ago, I was still in the clothes Carmen gave me, I was still in their stolen hovercar, but it felt like it was only a nightmare which I woke up from. My chest was still tight, but the fright was passing.

Something beeped and I felt Vida’s elbow dig into my side as she reached under her armour.

“Slow down. Take the second turn to right.” She instructed silently as if anyone could hear us on the empty highway.

She shifted and the blaster was up again, grazing against my side as I counted and took the turn she told me to. It was a narrow street on which we drove down, the buildings tall on both sides like some endless corridor, leading to the heart of the city.

“Left here.” She said, a small device in her hand, and I assumed it was what beeped earlier. “Stop now.”

I briefly wondered why I was following her orders. But then again, I had nothing else to do now and I still couldn’t leave the planet without a ship. So at least I could have a little fun as well. 

We stopped in front of a narrow doorway, a couple of armed men and women standing there. Vida got out of the hovercar and gestured to me, so I grabbed the case and followed.

“Kap.” She nodded to one of the men, heavily armoured and a huge rifle in his hand. He stepped to me and forced my wrists behind my back while another female of a strange species tugged on my collar and hid something under it. I felt a small, but quite painful sting around my collarbone, then it was over, I was let go and I could adjust my clothes.

“There is a bar in here.” Now Vida came forward again, poking at the door. “There is an officer in there who works for this new organization, the First Order. Your task is to take him out from there.” My eyes narrowed a little, and she probably knew what I was thinking. “And don’t think about escaping. We have people inside and outside at every exit too. If you don’t have the guy when you come out, we’ll shoot you.”

I snorted a little and looked the herd through, but I decided to play along.

“Why do you even need the guy? Why don’t you get him yourself?”

Vida glanced at the man, who restrained me, then turned back to me.

“It’s enough if you know we need him alive and only you can retreat him. Now... go.” She nodded towards the door to urge me.

I shrugged and went to enter the place, but then I turned back.

“How will I recognize him?” I asked, frowning a little.

“You have the Force, don’t you?” Vida mocked me. “You will know.”

And with that, the door slid open.


	20. in which I got rid of what chased and what haunted.

The door slid closed behind me, but I could still hear Vida giving orders to the group as they spread out around the block.

I sighed.

The hallway was dark apart from a single lighting tube along the left wall, vaguely illuminating the boxes and cases crowded against the back of the room. The ceiling was high and I heard the muffled music from above.

I followed the guide light through the narrow passage and I tried the door at the end. It opened, revealing an empty turbo lift.

I chose the next floor's button and the elevator went up lazily. The music grew louder, now only one door separating me from the bar. My heart already pounded to the beat.

The place was lit with the same kind of tubes, glowing in a blueish light, but somehow it felt darker. I assumed it was quite a busy morning, almost every table and booth was occupied, leaving only a few chairs free by the bar.

I took one of them, slamming the case on the counter carelessly, and it took me a second to realize it might not have been the best idea. I felt the glares burning me.

I turned sideways to the bar to look around as soon as my eyes got used to the dim light. Most of the guests were barely conscious, I would've bet they drank through the whole night. None of them looked like a military officer.

So I let the Force do its work. I closed my eyes, focusing and letting it spread through in the room.

And now I understood.

Thoughts, they were thoughts which I sometimes picked up through the Force. That was what I heard on the star destroyer, but I didn't sense anything while I was around Carmen.  
From now it was easy to pick out a quite sober and very familiar voice from the crowd.

He only arched a ginger eyebrow upon seeing me. He sat with a straight back, hands clasped above the table, and he wasn't drunk yet, but his mind was pleasantly fogged. I doubted he recognized me.

"Listen to me." I sat down across him in the booth, leaning over the table a little. "You are in trouble."

"Aren't we all?" He replied, amusement in his voice, but no sign of it on his face.

"You have to get out of here." I continued, ignoring his question. "I was sent here to capture you. They are waiting outside."

"How could I trust you?" Suddenly he frowned. "You ruined everything."

I pulled back, staring at him in confusion. Did he know about my mission? He wasn't supposed to, no one was supposed to.

"General Ruth was discharged as soon as you left." He explained. "By the Supreme Leader himself."

"How is it my fault?" I shook my head.

"Well... I don't know the details. Yet."

I leaned back in the seat, thinking a little. I couldn't recall anything that happened that would result in the General being discharged. It couldn't be my fault.

"And now I'm repositioned." He snorted softly. "To the _Finalizer_."

"Is that why you drink?" I asked and I almost felt sorry for him.

He just shook his head and glanced at the half empty glass.

"So, how do you plan to leave this place?" He asked after he finished his drink. "Because there is an office above us." He poked at the ceiling. "It has a separate lift to the top where it's connected to the other building."

"It couldn't work." I shook my head. "They are watching us right now, in here. They would be too close behind us."

"Then what is your plan?" He arched his eyebrows.

I had to think for a second. "We go out, pretend to surrender, but kill them?"

He frowned again, but he looked like he was considering my plan.

"How many of them are out there?"

"Maybe...ten?"

"No way." The amusement was back in his voice.

"I have a lightsaber. And the Force." I pointed out.

"Well, that's exactly what my problem is. You cannot think of any reasonable solution besides that." Before I could disagree, he continued. "I insist we take my plan."

"Good. Go that way and I will do it my way." I huffed, standing up. 

He stood up again and left a credit chip on the table by his glass. I waited for him at the elevator door, scanning the rest of the guests to try to figure out who were there to watch us, but no one looked our way. Maybe it was all a bluff.

First we went up to the office. It had a duraglass door, opening only to the right magnet card, but he had no difficulty to open it. He turned a little and waved the card at me.

"I was prepared." He explained proudly when he saw I was frowning. "You can change your mind now."

I considered it. Originally I thought he was helpless and I had to save him, but then... It wasn't my task and clearly he could handle himself. So I shook my head.

"No." I said and the elevator's door closed to take me back down.

They were waiting for me. Not even outside, but as soon as I stepped out of the lift, there were at least four guns aimed at me.

"The officer?" Vida asked with narrowed eyes and I understood that there were no spies in the bar, otherwise they would've already known.

My reply was cutting down the first person in my way with a swing of my saber. There was a split second of pause, the others freezing in horror, and I assumed they never saw something like this.

It was like hell. My shoulder started hurting again halfway through, but I had to keep on. I reflected some of the blaster bolts and it hit the shooter, but I was more focused on trying to avoid them and killing the soldiers before they could attack. There were only six or seven of them in total, but between the boxes and lifeless bodies, it was starting to get hard to move.

Vida used this to her advantage and at the right moment, she snatched the case from my hand and darted out to the door. I immediately ran after her and I found myself surrounded by five more of her people at the exit.

She had no reason to take the case from me, I realized as I stopped for a second, panting with five corpses around me. One of them fell so badly that his head was now caught between the door and the wall, crushing his skull a little every time it tried to slide closed.

She couldn't know what was inside. She probably assumed it was important, but she couldn't know what it was exactly. Therefore it had to be a trap, and I had no choice but try to find her.

She left traces, and made sure I saw them, which only strengthened my suspicion. I ran after her, street after street, corner after corner, panting and in great pain, but I ran.

Vida finally made a mistake and she turned at a dead end. I slowed down, trying not to look that threatening, though my blood was boiling.

"Give it back." I said, stopping a few steps from her and reaching out my hand. "Give it back and I won't hurt you."

She was heaving too, and I saw she was considering it. But instead she just set the case on the ground and took a few steps until her back was against the wall, her blaster aimed at the case.

"If you come closer, I'm going to destroy it."

I clasped my saber back on my belt and I glared at her, then at the box. If I could be quick enough and pull it with the Force...

"Why are you doing this?" I asked her and she snorted a little.

"You tried to kill me, remember? It's revenge." She said. "I just didn't know you were a Jedi."

"Well, I'm no Jedi." I grit my teeth and with a swift movement the case was in my hand.

She shot, but she missed it and I reflected the bolt. It hit her in the side and she collapsed against the wall with a cry.

I ignited my saber and walked to stand over her, to watch the pain and hate mix in her eyes for a second before I stabbed her through the chest.

I made sure she was dead this time. I wasn't disoriented or nauseous like before, like after the massacre. My chest was light. I felt empowered.

I wiped my face with the back of my hand, took a few deep breaths and left the blind alley. I heard the thunder rumble from far away, but it hardly mattered now. I was sweaty and as I finally came down from the high of the chase, I started feeling cold.

I tried to avoid the busy streets. I sneaked through dark alleys, climbed over dumpsters and parked hovercrafts, letting my senses lead me and I could only hope they would lead me the right way.

I ended up in an unfamiliar district of the city, but at least I found a landing dock with a few smaller ships.

I believed I finally found my luck. I picked a smaller one and it was quite easy to get inside. There were supplies and some equipment stored in the back room. For a second I felt bad, but then I found out it had a cramped, but perfectly clean bathroom, I decided I didn't care anymore.

I checked for trackers, then calculated how far I could go with the fuel it had, and finally I took off.

 

I held my breath and when Corellia's dot disappeared from the radar, I left behind every desire and wish I ever had on this damned planet.

 _Never again_ , I thought and I punched in a new line of coordinates. From now, I wouldn’t stop till I reached Korriban.

 

I still had nightmares. Despite of my determination to forget everything, it haunted me. They turned though, the images cleared, I could place myself in the narrative and this is what made it even worse. I could see myself act like... _that_.

I escaped to my lake. I expected it to be abandoned, the grass dried out, the fish dead and the water tainted, but it was just the same as before. Bald, flowerless spots appeared, as if someone forcefully weeded out everything in patches, but the sun was pleasantly warming and the golden fish were more vigorous than ever.

I also expected the hounds to be around when I arrive, but for now, Korriban was truly empty. Not even my master appeared when I called out for him in the temple.

I sat outside on the stairs, wondering what I was supposed to do now. I brought the remains to Korriban, as my mission, but now I had nowhere else to go.

Something moved in the corner of my eye, big and dark, and I thought it was a hound who was brave enough to come from their hide. But when I wanted to turn, something stiff hit the side of my head and I fell.

I hid my head on the stone edge of the stairs, my vision blurring and black spots started to swim in front of me. I heard something that sounded like a giggle and suddenly I was grabbed by the back of my shirt and lifted.

“Now, it wasn’t even that bad, was it?”


End file.
